Hot Tea
Well, Ladies and Gents, it has been a MINUTE since I posted last!
Last I left you, I was a sad, pathetic ball of mess on the floor.
Honestly, I don’t know how much better I’m doing, but I’ve resigned myself to just working through it. I have to push the feelings of inadequacy and fear and pain way down deep and move on with life.
As you may know, graduation is a mere 7 months away! That is both exciting and terrifying. Even more frightening, grad school applications are due beginning next month! I have my work cut out for me. This all makes me very nervous and puts me under a great deal of stress. The result is a mixture of sickness-I’m currently fighting off a bout of strep throat-, panic, and insomnia! Hooray!
“Where’s that good news you promised us?!” You ask?
WELL! I can reassure you that there are good things happening around here. I have found that there are still friends here that remain loyal through it all. Some were surprising candidates, I must admit, but some I should not have doubted. I’m more thankful for them than I can express, they help keep me out of my own headspace. And when I do get caught up in my thoughts, they let me say what I need to say, shed my tears, and be done with it. And the best part, they never bring it up again.
I’m also being constantly reminded of why I love my professors so dearly. They daily say and do things that put a smile on my face. They make me proud to be their student and they make me want to make them proud. Sometimes in life it is hard to find good role models, well I have plenty right here at my fingertips. They are kind and intelligent adults who look out for each other. They genuinely care about those who care about learning from them and they treat me like a mature individual who is going somewhere in this life. When I start to feel down, they are there to remind me that they have confidence of the utmost in my abilities, even before my friends are. I can’t wait to be their colleague!
I know that those who regularly read this are used to the rollercoaster of my life. Most of you probably wish I would just get used to the fact that life often throws me cruve balls that I am not at all prepared to deal with. I’m trying. I still don’t know what I’m supposed to learn from all this, but people I trust, people I look up to, keep telling me that I will be stronger and more able to fulfill my purpose because of the heartache, the sorrow, and the stress that this semester has brought. I can only hope and pray that they are right.
I love you all. Thank you for everything.
-Kay
Cinnamon Girl
Not an apt description of me. For many reasons, but mainly, I don’t particularly care for cinnamon. You know what I do care for? Happy endings.
I know, I know, it’s been far too long since my last post. What can I say? It’s been… interesting around here? To say the very least.
The Nerdmate and I are once again together. It took some time for everyone to cool down about the situation, but it seems to have worked out.
School is going well, I have some extraordinary friends, a wonderful new alliance with My New Best Friend, SAI is flourishing, and I just got hired for two more hours a week of tutoring!
It really is the little things in life that keep a college girl going. I’m really looking forward to see where things go from here. Something big is just around the corner, I can feel it.
This is not to say things have been butterflies and rainbows in the last few weeks.
For example, I found out that Candler, the seminary I’ve been planning on attending, has removed the program I was interested in. That was frustrating.
BUT it got me really looking at some other schools. Did you know that tuition at Princeton Seminary is about 5k cheaper than tuition here at CMU. Yeah, not kidding. This makes me very excited.
You know what else makes me excited? Elections, specifically in SAI. Yeah, they’re coming up. Like, in the next month or so. Pretty nervous, but I know what I want and I’m going to go for it. That means President, ladies. If the girls don’t think I’m the right girl for the position, that’s ok. But I really think I could do a good job,and I really think I’ve proven that I’m the best candidate.
I’ll leave you with that for now.
Talk at ya later, gators!
-Kay
Exit The Nerdmate
It’s over. He broke up with me last night after a long week of fighting. The switch from “I don’t want to lose you” to “I’m not happy in this relationship” occurred overnight when “he realized I wanted my pride more than I wanted him.”
I’m trying to put on a brave face… it works until I’m alone or with a small group and the subject comes up. And it always does. People always want to know. It’s like no one else has had their hearts broken in a break-up before.
I was scared I was going to lose the majority of my male friends over this, because they’re the Nerdmate’s PMA brothers. Luckily, that doesn’t seem to be the case, at least not yet. I’m not really sure what will happen there…
With a broken heart
-Kay
This Is A Hot Mess
The Nerdmate and I are fighting. Or, we had a fight and now there’s this weird not speaking to each other dance happening. I don’t like it. There’s a lot of internal struggling happening on both sides.
I’m probably not the kind of girl that comes off as the cut and run type, but I totally am. Commitment scares me. Rejection scares me. Getting attached and having my heart trampled on terrifies me. When the seas get rough, I take my boat in. My walls go up and I do whatever it takes to keep myself safe. That usually means a I cut and run. I take off. I leave. Not physically, but emotionally. That’s how all of my relationships have ended.
And then I do something rash and compulsive, usually to my hair. After every break-up or nasty fight, I’ve dyed and/or cut my hair. After the catastrophe of a fight with the WhiteKnight, I almost went out and got a tattoo or a piercing, some kind of body mod. I didn’t, just in case you were curious. But that was when I stripped the red from my hair, because red was HIS color. Brown was the PensylvanianLover’s color, etc.
This time it’s different. I can’t cut and run. This is the first time that I’ve gone to the same school as the guy I was with, yet alone lived in the same town. And this isn’t just the same town, The Nerdmate lives in the dorm directly above mine. Everytime he moves, everytime he has someone over, I can hear him. So even if I WAS going to run, I couldn’t. Also, I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I walk away, I’m walking away from the man that could be my soul mate.
How do you know if someone if your soul mate? How do you know if this is the person you were made for? I don’t know. And that scares me. And it ticks me off. I’ve worked past the tears. I won’t shed tears ’til I know it’s over. I can’t. But I. Am. Mad. We are supposed to be a team. We are supposed to be there for each other. We cannot aford to shut down the lines of communication if we’re going to make it through this. I love him and I know he loves me, but I don’t see that he wants to be with me. And I’m not going to waste my time following him around until he makes his decision. I’ve been there and I will never go back.
He needs space, so I’m giving him space. Honeslty, I need some space of my own. He’s going to make whatever decision he’s going to make without my influence and anyone who knows him knows that’s true. That’s how he works. So what am I doing to keep myself busy? Everything I can. I had girl time with The Roommate and Rose. It was really helpful. The Roommate and I are driving down to MMEA to watch the band perform! Yay! It’s a huge honor. And then we’ll participate in the StepSings of Sigma Alpha Iota and Phi Mu Alpha. And tomorrow night I’m having a movie/game night with my New Best Friend. Don’t worry, Bestie, you’re still my Bestie. 🙂 My New Best Friend and I have just needed each other to talk things out, our friendship is growing everyday.
I will be ok. I will survive and I hope that I come out on the other side with the Nerdmate by my side once more.
-Kay
Christmas Vacation
There’s a been a lot of turmoil in the last few weeks, but I’m home for Christmas break and I’d like to write a post about two good things in my life.
The first, my grades! They actually turned out decent this semester. As many of you know, I made the dumb decision to embark on two foreign language journeys this semester. Spanish and Chemistry. Spanish turned out to be more challenging than I anticipated. And Chemistry wasn’t awful. I did well and I actually enjoyed most of it. Not the math. But pretty much everything else. Because of these two challenging subjects, I was greatly concerned for my grades, and more so, my GPA. Well, folks! I ended the semester with all As and Bs. To some of you this will sound like I had nothing to worry about. Others… Well, you may be looking at that and thinking, “That’s not as good as so and so…” Please keep those comments to yourself. I’m trying to be excited about my semester. I’m trying really hard to be ok with the fact that I’m no longer a straight A student. I did well and next semester will be even better! Proof that I CAN be happy AND successful! If you’re confused about that statement, don’t sweat it. Haha!
The second good, no GREAT, thing in my life is The Nerdmate. 🙂 My lands, he makes me happy! It’s been almost a year now folks and I can’t 
believe the things I’ve done, the person I’ve become in that time. I’ve learned so much about him, myself, life. I can’t imagine being happier with anyone else. I’ve never felt as complete as I do when I’m with him. I like the way he makes me feel. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I’m not scared of what my future with another person holds, I’m not scared to put my trust in him.
Right now I’m missing him a great deal. It gets harder and harder to leave him every time and I wonder if it will always be this way. The good news is, each time I grow more confident that we’ll make it through. We survived the summer and we’ve now survived two semesters together. He’ll be here on Sunday, Christmas day. What a glorious Christmas present. 🙂
He’s not really done a family holiday with my family yet. Not one where he meets the extended family. He won’t be here for Christmas Eve with my dad’s family, and he went home for Thanksgiving, but he will be meeting my mom’s family this Christmas. He’ll be coming with my family and some of our extended family for vacation the week between Christmas and New Year’s. On the way back, we’ll stop at my Aunt’s house(my mom’s sister) to celebrate Christmas with them. I can’t wait for them to meet him. I hope they like him as much as I do. If we make it to next Christmas, I hope he’ll get to meet more of my dad’s family. 🙂
-Kay
Blackbird*
*By the Beatles. One of the few songs I actually really like by them. Don’t tell mi padre. Haha!
Things are better. Or getting there anyway. I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. It was pretty ugly, I broke up with the Nerdmate. Luckily, he is a better lover than myself and didn’t really accept that as an option. I did some soul cleansing and some crying and today is going much better.
A huge part of my problem is this: I don’t want to have to rely on meds to be happy for the rest of my life. I hate that that may be what’s necessary to function as a normal human being. I’ve never wanted anything more than to be normal. I got to college and thought that I had found a place where I could be normal, I seemed normal. For a while anyway. I hate being an emotional roller coaster. I’m going to have to learn to live with the meds, I guess, because I can’t keep making myself and the people around me so miserable. That just makes me feel even worse.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Growing up is really freakin’ hard! Trying to grow up as a responsible, functioning, positive member of society is even more difficult. Bear with me, people, there are more mistakes around the corner. Lol.
-Kay
Hello, Friends
Well Hidey-Ho there, neighbors!
Yeah, I know. I haven’t held up to my end of the bargain. Life’s been a little, no scratch that, a lot crazy. School is back in full swing. I love it, as usual. This semester has started off a little rocky; so far I’ve learned that I’m going to have to go out of my way to make sure I’m spending time with The Nerdmate(yes, we’re still very happy) and that taking 21 credit hours while trying to recover from mono is, in fact, a bad plan. I’ve dropped a class, though, so I’m back down to a manageable 18 hours.
I’ve been kinda moody lately, The Nerdmate can attest to that(although he probably wouldn’t say it). I don’t know what the deal is. Since I haven’t been to the nutritionists since I got mono, I don’t have an anti-depressant anymore, I wonder if that’s part of it. I’m hoping that I’m to the point in some form of recovery from last fall that I can be ok without it. I have some St John’s if I get too bad. And a loving young man who will let me cry on his shoulder if I need it.
It’s awesome having him so close, both physically nearby and emotionally. It’s hard, because we’re both so busy, but I feel like we’re doing pretty well. Next Monday will be 7 months together. That probably doesn’t sound like a long time to most of you, but it’s huge for us. We didn’t expect this to turn into something serious and now we’re pretty sure we’d like to spend our lives together.
Anyway, I’m kind of rambling now, but I just wanted to let you know that I hadn’t forgotten about you, readers. I’m still very much attached to this, my blogging family. I should get back to homework now.
Check ya later,
Kay
Pillow Talk
My favorite time of the day, on the days I get to be with the Nerdmate, is when we’re alone and we’re cuddling. All manner of conversations take place in those moments. Whatever is on our hearts or in our minds comes to the surface. I love it because we feel socomfortable talking to eachother about anything and everything. Every awkward question is met with patience and laughter, every tear wiped away with gentleness and empathy, every misunderstanding smoothed away with love.
I can’t imagine anything better than the safe feeling I feel when I’m in the Nerdmate’s arms. No matter what else is going on in our lives, his arms are always waiting for me. Maybe this sounds silly or naive, but his arms are home. This is a profound thing for me. “Home” has always been a tricky word for me. I feel at home in many places, but it always feels like I’m in someone else’s home, another fixture in someone else’s life. In the Nerdmate’s arms all of that is gone. I finally feel like I’m living my own life, not just appearing in other peoples. It’s a wonderful thing.
These last two days, while a little sketchy in some ways, have been sublime. LA is here for the first time in two years. Two years. It’s still difficult to believe he’s here. I’ve missed him so much, more than I even realized until I was hugging him for the first time on Sunday. Best friends should never go this long without seeing each other. I hope in the future, we won’t have to. There is talk of my visiting him over my Christmas break, I think I can make that work. I really hope I can. Seeing LA(the city) again would be a real treat. Seeing LA(my best friend) is amazing.
This week holds so much promise. We’re already having a blast(even if I’ve been a little stressed). The boys get along pretty well, their sense of humor is fairly similar and both are willing to make comprimises for my sake. They’re so sweet! It so funny, though, because the Nerdmate has so little experience with big towns and cities and LA obviously has a lot!
I think Friday we’ll go to the zoo. That sounds like a fun idea and it will get us away from the house for a few hours. Picnic anyone? Haha!
Those of you out and about in the world for this holiday week, be safe. Those cozy in your homes and at work, I feel your pain! 😉
-Kay
Exciting Things Are Happening!
I’ve been in this office all week preparing for Sunday morning! I’m so excited and more than a little nervous, but that’s pretty normal for me. My sermon is just about complete, my slides are done, my order of worship is all flushed out and bulletins are ready to be printed! I’ve been very productive. 🙂
The pastor I’m interning under began talking with me today about the “pre-ministry” book I read last summer. As I was glimpsing through it beforehand something caught my eye that I hadn’t considred before. I reread those few pages about compus ministry an that avenue toward fulfilling your calling and I felt a family tug at my heartstrings. I’m nto sure what God’s telling me, but I’m going to explore that more, especially when I get back to campus in August.
Other exciting pieces of news:
Little Man and I went to a LINC sponsored event at the KC Public Library last night and had the opportunity to meet with Susan Pulgar. She is a remarkable woman, originally from Hungary, she became the first female Grand Master in chess at the age of 21.
Also, LA and I have been talking and yesterday it became official: he’s coming to visit me!!! 🙂 His plane will arrive at 330pm on Sunday, in time to enjoy some 4th of July festivities, and he’ll be staying with us until August!
And I can’t recall whether or not I share this with you, but The Nerdmate will be coming to celebrate the 4th with my family and I and staying the week as well.
This means that my two favorite guys in the whole world will be here at the same time! I’m so supremely excited! I really hope they get along. I think they will, they both love me very much, after all!
Haha! I’m just kidding. They ave other things in common as well. 🙂
Anyway, I better get back to work. I was just so excited that I couldn’t keep it from my readers any longer! 🙂
Have a good one, folks.
-Kay
Big Sis The Slave Driver
Haha! I’m just kidding! I love my big sister very much! She’s just a little impatient to see a post regarding this past weekend. Yes, it WAS Easter, but I think the reason she is so anxious about this particular post is that The Nerdmate came home with me to meet the family!
We had loads of fun. Thursday night we watched The King’s Speech with Mom, LittleSis, and BabyBro. It’s a really phenomenal movie, I highly recommend seeing it if you already haven’t. Then The Nerdmate kicked my bum at Stratego. I say it was pure luck due to the fact that it’s been ages since I played last.
Friday we went to Powell Gardens for Earth Day. It’s a lovely little place with huge gardens and lovely walking trails. Unfortunately, it was a rather dreary day. I will definitely have to take The Nerdmate back when it’s nice outside. That evening we went to church for The Sonlight Players drama Moments In Time. It was fantastic as usual, boys! Basically, they dramatize the Last Supper, The Betrayal, The Garden, and even Jesus’ Death. They’ve been doing this for years now and it just keeps growing. I’m so proud of them.
After that we headed over to BigSis’ house. The Nerdmate really got along well with BigSis and BrownMan, but I knew that would happen. BrownMan thinks The Nerdmate is too quite for me, but I think they just need to spend more time together. We stayed up late watching Top Gear, which The Nerdmate had never seen bever. I don’t think he previously took me seriously about how much BrownMan loves cars. He’ll learn.
Saturday we drove around the city and BigSis and BrownMan took us to this really fantastic mexican restaurant in KC called Rudy’s Tenampa Taqueria. The Nerdmate said it was the best burrito of his life! Haha! He’s so cute. He was a little in awe of the city. He had never been in a city before, nothing bigger than CoMo that is. CoMo isn’t hardly a city at all, just a big town.
Next we met back up with my parents. They were still working on trading off the van, so when they were done me managed to squeeze The Nerdmate, myself, LittleSis, BabyBro, Mom, and Dad into Mom’s new cute little Kia. Yeah, it maybe cute, but it was definitely not made to fit six people! Haha! It was an adventure. I’m pretty sure The Nerdmate is beginning to comprehend how crazy the Kelly Family is. God help him if he ever makes it to a REAL family holiday. We spent the rest of the evening playing board games. I think The Nerdmate is also discovering how much our family loves board games. He seems to like them too.
Sunday we went to church and it was fun. The Nerdmate met the Bestie and Peanut, he met FellowNerd, and many other people that have been important to me over the years. It was really nice to have him there with me seeing how my life away from school is. Both of us felt like we grew a lot closer to one another over the course of last weekend.
We’re both worried about this summer. He’s never been in a relationship “that was this good or lasted this long.” It makes me nervous, because he doesn’t have any idea how this works. It also makes me nervous, because distance was the breakdown in my last two relationships. I didn’t feel for either of them the way I feel for The Nerdmate, but I did love them. Still, the farther you are the from someone, the less you have to work at it. That person isn’t constantly there to remind you of the things you like about them. You can chose to not pick up the phone and have those difficult conversations. You don’t have to worry about them getting upset because you didn’t respond to a text, because the other person won’t be there to confront you about it. Unless you actively work at a long distance relationship… it will fall apart. I don’t want this to fall apart…
I hope it turns out ok, especially after last weekend.
-Kay
Creeping Up On Me
Love scares me, because all my life people have tossed around that word like it meant nothing at all. It means a lot to me. When I say it, I mean it. There are many different kinds of love and just about everyone fits into one of those categories.
I say “I love you” to my friends all the time, because I do love them. I say it all of the time to my siblings, because I would do anything for each of them. As much as they drive me crazy some days, I love them with my whole heart and then some. I rarely say it to my parents. i believe that you shouldn’t tell someone you love them if you’re heart and mind aren’t in it. Don’t ever just say it to say it, even if not saying it makes the situation awkward. Deal with it. An awkward situation is better than misuse of such an important word. There has been a lot of animosity between my parents and I in the last several years. It’s getting better slowly, but surely, but I still almost never tell them I love them.
Part of this is because I have a lot of doubt when it comes to their so-called love for me and my siblings. My dad is getting much better about showing genuine love for us, but most of the time Mom and Dad have alterior motives. I must say, however, that sometimes they push us because they genuinely want what’s best for us. They want us to work our hardest and always do our best and continuously improve. I think these are the kinds of things most parents want for their children, mine just have a tendency to go a little over board.
The person I say “I love you” to the most is probably The Bestie. Every conversation we have(whether via text, phone call, instant message or face to face) we tell each other we love each other, sometimes more than once. The person I use the “L” word the least with… The Nerdmate. i used to say it to him when we were just friends, because I did and still do love him as my friend. he knows that, but he also knows that(for the most part) I won’t say it again until I’m sure that I’m IN love with him. This doesn’t mean that I love him any less as my friend, but if I say it now it implies something more and that is a commitment that neither he nor I am ready to make.
I really like him and I know that he really likes me. A few nights ago he said, “I feel very strongly for you and I’m glad that things are going the way they’re going and it makes me happy being with you.” That means a lot to me. I like that he doesn’t feed me B.S. He doesn’t try to say the things he thinks I want to hear, he just tells me the truth without necessarily trying to flower it up. He told me a while back that he can’t promise me that he won’t hurt me, but that if he ever does hurt me, it’s not because he meant to. That is a kind of honestly that we don’t often find in relationships. I honestly think I would do anything for The Nerdmate at this point. he means a great deal to me. I want to be able to help in whatever ways i can. I will be here to hold his hand when he needs that. I will help fight his battle when he needs me to be at his side, but I will also sit back and be his personal cheerleader when he needs to do things on his own.
I don’t know if that’s love. I don’t want to tell him it is in case it isn’t. I take love very seriously. I have some incredibly deep-seated issues and fears when it comes to love. I’d like to work through those things. I’d like The Nerdmate to help me.
-Kay
Out Of My Control
Currently, the lesson I am learning is that somethings are beyond my control and although I would like to help, there isn’t much I can do.
This feeling, it sucks. Big time. Especially since the one that must face these things beyond my control is The Nerdmate, which means that, inadvertently, it most certainly is effecting me.
Again, this isn’t really something I can write much about, because it’s not my place to go spreading his business around simply because it makes me feel better to talk things out.
Ugh! I just don’t know how to help. It’s not like he’s not trying. There are some areas that he could improve, but he knows that and I’m not sure how to be encouraging without it coming across as nagging. And the other stuff that he’s facing I CAN’T be of help, because it’s out of my power. Even if I could help, I don’t think he would accept my help, because it would be too much like charity.
so I’m stuck feeling like a broken record, repeatedly telling him that it will work out. Yay me.
I know it’s going to be difficult to give me advice on account of how vague this all is, but if you have any advice to offer, any at all, I’m more than willing to listen.
-Kay
More Scheduling Strife
As most of you know, this was initiation weekend. Thus, I’m completely exhausted right now, but it’s the first moment all weekend I’ve had to sit at my computer. There will be a post full of stories from this wonderful weekend, but now onto the current issue.
My school schedule is causing me headache AGAIN!
The times for that Concepts of Physical Science class changed and now it conflicts with Spanish, so it has been nixed. My roommate and friends and family members are going to hate me next semester. My boyfriend is REALLY going to hate me. One word: Chemistry. I’ve never taken it, but it scares the living day lights out of me. My impression of Chemistry involves a whole lot of math. Math and I don’t get along. I’m fairly good at math, but I dislike it a whole bunch. Unfortunately, Chemistry was THE ONLY science with a lab that would fit ANYWHERE in my schedule. *deep breath*
It doesn’t help matters that there is a massive storm outside. Don’t get me wrong, I love thunderstorms, but the power keeps going out. When the power goes out, the internet goes out. Enrollment opened at midnight and the power was still flickering at that point. I can’t enroll if the power is out. I can’t go to sleep until after I enroll.
Have I mentioned that I’m exhausted?!
I ended up getting enrolled just fine(other than the chemistry issue), but it just added to my suffering(yes, I’m being overly dramatic here).
Anyhow, I’d like to very quickly say hello to the two newest members of our blogging family: Cheshire and Twinings. Thanks for subscribing, guys.
Now off to Dreamland, I go!
-Kay
Scheduling Panic Attacks
I wish I could schedule panic attacks. They suck. A lot. This post maybe should have been written last Wednesday when the details of the event were still fresh in my mind and I needed an escape route, but every time I thought about the issue that tightness in my chest cavity started again.
This can all be traced back to a conversation had at my birthday party over break. Some friends and I were sitting around at my parents’ house talking and it was mentioned that Dreamer and CrazyGirl(A term of endearment, I assure you) will be graduating from High School on The Hill next year. Logically, it follows that LittleSis will be graduating the year after. Two years until she is done with high school. What does this make me think of? “Holy crap I’m graduating from college in TWO YEARS!!!”
This does not seem like enough time to absorb all the knowledge I need to absorb before I leave this place. It does not seem like enough time to accomplish all that needs to be accomplished. And it certainly does not seem like enough time to earn all the credits that I need in order to graduate. Almost everyone that I’ve talked to about this last point has said the same thing, “So just stick around for a fifth year like I’m going to.” Well, that is great advice except for the fact that I have three years of seminary to go through after I get my B.A., and(more notably) I can barely afford to be here THIS year. Where on Earth would I find the money for a fifth year when I’m currently worrying about paying for a third?
Now onto the actual panicking I want to talk about.
Last Wednesday night, I was attempting to get my schedule arranged, so that when April 4 rolls around, I’m totally ready to go. The problem is this, everything that I need to take ended up stacked on top of each other. My scholarship agreement(which I am INCREDIBLY thankful for) has clear stipulations: that I take part in a large ensemble, audition for and(if accepted) take part in a second, and enroll for applied vocal lessons. This is usually not a huge deal when it comes to scheduling, but the lovely administration has decided that next fall the Philosophy classes should be scheduled during the same time that Conservatory Singers has been scheduled for the last SEVERAL years, if not always, I really don’t know. There are only two classes for Philosophy being offered that I haven’t taken yet and now I can’t take either of them.
But wait, there’s more!
There are also only two Religion classes being offered next semester that I haven’t taken yet. Take a guess at the problem. Right-o! They too are scheduled at the same time as each other. Why are these departments having this problem, you might ask? Oh, the joys of a small university. I’ll tell you the problem. It’s because there is a mandatory RL101 class that EVERYONE must take to graduate. I certainly don’t have a problem with this. As a liberal arts college, especially one sponsored by the Methodist Church, it seems appropriate to expect undergraduates to have a well rounded and basic grasp on world religions and the roles they play in people’s lives. What I do have a problem with is the fact that there are only THREE professors to cover both the Philosophy and the Religion departments and the majority of their time is being used up by these freshmen courses. Yes, Ministry Man is willing and able to teach classes on occasion, as are the professors adjunct, but those are hit and miss situations.
What’s more, because I dropped Astronomy this semester, I am entering my junior year with a General Education science requirement to take care of. Once again I will state that Conservatory Singers has been scheduled for the MWF 2-250pm slot for as long as any of us remember. Why then are all but one of the labs for this required science class scheduled over the top of the choir rehearsal time that I literally am paid to attend?
I played this game for over an hour before I had to get out. My chest felt tight, I wanted to throw something at someone, and I felt like I was suffocating. So I went for a walk. I was out for about an hour I think. There are a few notable things to mention here, A. The Nerdmate was texting me through all of this. He was very supportive and accepting of the fact that his girl friend is crazy. He reminded me that I am capable of this and that dropping out and becoming a hobo was maybe again my better judgment. B. In this situation 6 months ago I would immediately sought escape and comfort in food. I can honestly say that through the attack I’m pretty sure food was the farthest thing from my mind. Instead, I sought refuge in a walk around town, an activity that is both calming and productive. Of course, at the time I wasn’t thinking about this, but the fact is that even though my weight loss journey is far from over, my attitude and behavior toward and about food is changing.
Here is some good news for you, readers.
1)Friday I sat down in my advisor’s office and he helped me lay out a schedule. He reminded me that I am ahead of most of the people in my class as far as credits go and that my grades are better than most. He assured me that I was going to be fine. “You CAN do this, Kay.” Thank you, Dr. J.
2)I hit the 40lb mark on Sunday. Yeah, I am almost half way to my goal weight and I couldn’t be more excited. As often as I find myself thinking that my progress is too slow or that I’m not doing enough, even I must admit that 40lbs is a big deal.
What did I learn? Sometimes we are blinded by the little things that seem so horrible, that we forget about the larger things that are really amazing.
-Kay
Screaming In The Silence
I guess you could say I’m having writer’s block. There has been SO MUCH going on here, but every time I sit down to write a post, I come up blank. Words seem inadequate to express life, just know that it’s beautiful.
I turn 20 in a matter of days. The Bestie and I will be attending the Flogging Molly concert in KC and I’m stoked, to say the least. That will also be the week of Spring Break. I can’t wait to be home. I want to see The Bestie, I want to see Peanut. I want to see Big sis, Little Sis, and BabyBro/Littleman. I want to see my mom and I want to see my dad. I want to curl up in his arms and cry, because I genuinely miss him. I’m home every week, but I never see him.
You’re going to read this and think that there is something I’m hiding, something that’s upsetting me that I just don’t want to talk about. I can assure you that that simply isn’t the case. Life is terrific, you know, other than this bronchitis crap. I just miss my family. The more I learn about The Nerdmate, the more I realize how blessed I am. My family life isn’t perfect, at times it’s been horrible, but things are currently pretty ok and I’m thankful for that.
The Nerdmate has a difficult history. He’s more complex than most give him credit for. I like him so much more because of it. Neither of us has gone through the whole of our tails, we’ve only shared tiny pieces, but I’m not scared anymore. I don’t have to share anything more than I feel comfortable with and he’s willing to wait to hear the things that have made me the girl I am today. he doesn’t care what my past is or who I used to be. He’s interested in who i am now and he likes this girl. He thinks she’s beautiful.
So no, nothing is wrong. I will just be glad when Friday evening has arrived and I’m safely back on The Hill. I will miss The Nerdmate, he leaves for band tour on Thursday and I won’t see him until we return from break, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? That’s the trend thus far anyway. 🙂
Nerdmate On The Brain
What follows is a poem that has been taking shape over the last few weeks. It needs a title. I don’t usually put poetry up here, but I actually quite like this one and it says the things that I don’t think I’ll otherwise be able to articulate.
The most important part you cannot see,
that part hidden deep inside of me,
walled up in stony prison cell,
tucked away in frozen hell.
Creeping darkness enfolds my mind,
left here waiting for someone to find
the part that seeks safe asylum
where sweet sleep can finally come
clasping answers to my prayers.
Swaddled deep within warm layers
of love soft as new lamb’s fleece
you’ve given my screaming world new peace,
catching me within long, strong arms,
putting swift silence to all alarms.
Your words do not escape my ears
as tenderly you erase my fears.
The world so much brighter with you at night.
I cannot forget you, try as I might.
As into Dreamland I slip away,
your words splay before me in beautiful array;
your gentle speech touches my soul,
igniting my heart like a burning coal.
Souls flaring into sparkling life,
easing pain caused by years of strife.
Fierce fire that cannot be quenched,
an icy grip no longer clenched,
ripping at this girl’s true potential.
Now I find that hope’s essential
as this life takes new direction.
You’ve offered the heart kind protection,
Drawing me closer, holding me tight,
creating feelings for you I will not fight.
Slowly but surely, you break down each wall,
completely sincere in your willingness to fall.
Kiss on the forehead and now I can see;
all along the blind one was me.
A Fantastic Valentine’s Day
Yesterday was awesome. It was the first time I’d had a Valentine to celebrate with, other than just friends. And it wasn’t just that I had a Valentine, the Nerdmate made yesterday pretty special. We’re “Facebook official” now, so there was no awkward “Should I get him something, would that be assuming too much, etc, etc” thinking. Saturday afternoon I asked him to be my Valentine and that evening we decided that we were officially together.
I made him lemon bars and a homemade card. I made lemon bars, because those and my lemon cookies have always gotten really good reviews. I, however, was not sure if he liked lemon. I kept asking around and no one was sure, so I just made them anyway. It turns out that the Nerdmate really loves lemon bars. Score! I must say, his card was pretty awesome. Again, I way over analyzed it, but my new friend, The Discussant, was there to be my male supervisor for the project. In other words he helped make sure it didn’t turn out too girly. Thank goodness.
The Nerdmate was very sweet. He sent me a text yesterday morning that read, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Valentine.” Generic, but much appreciated. We ate lunch together as per usual, but he was just extra sweet and them walked me to class. Then he surprised me at dinner. Just as he walked him, Neighbor #2 distracted me, so that I wouldn’t see the treats he brought with him. I got a super cute(and kinda funny looking) stuffed sheep(or hamster, we’re not 100%) with a balloon tied to it’s hand and a box of chocolates. We then went our separate ways(me to Astronomy and him to Opera). When I got back from Astronomy I went to the library to do homework and the Nerdmate met me there. I know it sounds lame that we spent our Valentine’s Day in the library doing homework, but I like the fact that we don’t have to make a huge deal out of it. Finally, I came back to my dorm for bed and what you know? A candy gram was waiting for me.
When people say that the sweetest things are the little things, they really mean it. I like this guy a lot and he makes me feel really special. Now, I better get going. Dinner starts in 5 and he has Opera at 6, so I can’t be late. 🙂
-Kay
The Name Of The Wind
*The name of this really awesome book that The Nerdmate is making me read. 🙂
Have I mentioned how great it is to be dating a guy that is as ridiculously nerdy in a gamer/book lover way as I am? Well it’s freaking fantastic! Tonight, for instance, I’m going over to The Nerdmate’s fraternity father’s room and we’re writing up character sheets for the D&D campaign that we want to start soon. I’m going to be playing a gnome monk, if you want to know. Also, as the disclaimer about the title indicates, we have a lot in common in the literature field as well. The Name Of The Wind is one of his favorite books, he’s read it four times and plans to read it once more before the new one comes out next month. Not only is the story line wonderful, but the language of the book is supremely crafted. AND WE TALK ABOUT IT! I’ve never talked with a guy about a book. L.A. or FellowNerd might be the exceptions to this.
———–Next Day——————-
Yeah, we definitely spent the majority of the evening talking about D&D. We even gotten into a debate over the merits and demerits of the various editions. Not one, but BOTH of my parents were chiming in via text message. They are disappointed in me for playing 4e, but that’s what the guys are playing. I’m just being a good sport.
In other news,
I had a REALLY fantastic voice lesson today! We only worked on two of my songs, but those two songs are going to be beastly! Both are really beautiful and are in my middle range where I can really take advantage of my voice. Prof. A. seems really excited and for once, so am I. I feel more confident in my voice than I have in quite some time. It’s a great feeling.
My Dot, The Nerdmate and I’s fraternity daughter, has been working really hard at learning her info for the Member In Training National Test in March. She’s been having a little difficult keeping up with her info and keeping up with her schoolwork, but I have complete confidence in her ability to do fabulously. The real stress factor is that to be accepted into the Nursing Program, there are certain classes she has to pass in the first try with a C or better; she got a C on her first test in Physiology. She has plenty of time to correct the situation, but it’s really got her on edge. We’re going to work this weekend on her info and make sure we leave time for her to do other homework.
I think that’s all the exciting things happening in life right now. I’ve been really happy lately and life is treating me nicely. The Nerdmate is definitely a contributing factor, but I feel like I gush about him a lot, so I’m just going to end the post on this note: Valentine’s Day is Monday and this will be the first year that I have a Valentine. 🙂
-Kay
Imagine Going Real Slow Down the Highway of Life With No Regrets
*Lyrics from “96,000” of the Original Broadway Soundtrack In The Heights.
You know how sometimes you feel like you must document a particularly spectacular moment for fear of losing it over the years? I have no fear of that happening to my memories of yesterday. It was one of the most incredible days that I can remember having. The magic was in the simplicity of the day, I think.
The day actually started with a continuation of a conversation from the night before:
Me: When we talk I feel like I could tell you anything, but I’m scared you’ll stop liking me the more you know me.
Nerdmate: I don’t think so. That isn’t how I work.
Me: How do you work?
Nerdmate: I like you. I’ve gotten to know you a little bit the past week. I still like you. I’m not gonna hold something against you.
Me: Not even if I’m damaged goods?
Nerdmate: No. No one is perfect.
Me: Ain’t that the truth.
Nerdmate: Yup. And I don’t expect anyone to be. I like you for you. That’s how it should be and that’s how it is and i want to get to know you better.
Me: You might be the first guy that I’ve felt honestly wanted to get to know me. I want you to know me better, but that will require some patience. I’ve built up a lot of walls over the years. Think you’re up to it?
Nerdmate: I’m a very patient guy.
That’s what I woke up to yesterday. It was such a relief for him to say that. Then we decided to spend the afternoon watching movies. He walked across campus, through the Snowmageddon 2011 I might add, to make sure that I made it safely to his dorm. Such a sweet guy. We watched The Terminal, because it’s his favorite movie and I hadn’t seen it yet. We sat next to each other, but didn’t touch the entire time. The whole time I was just dying for him to reach for my hand!
Well, we ended up not having time for a second movie, so we just headed to the Caf for dinner. Along the way, we decided to play in the snow. Neither of us had gloves, so our hands got really cold. He pulled a really smooth line at that point, “Here. I’ll hold them to keep them warm.”
Ok, so I didn’t REALLY count it as holding hands, because we were totally goofing off, but whatever. We sat next to each other for dinner, but he had a meeting that he had forgotten about, so he jetted off. Meanwhile, the girls had made plans for a group to hang out in one of the dorm lobbies and play games. I decided to head that way with them and await The Nerdmates promised text when he was done with this meeting. He was done by the time we actually got headed to the lobby and as he walked up next to me he reached out and took my hand right there in front of several of his ΦMA brothers.
I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I swear I almost melted right then and there.
We spent the next several hours playing Apples-To-Apples and Phase 10 and Spoons and other games of that variety. The entire time he was either holding my hand or had my feet in his lap. The best part was that we seemed to be totally comfortable with each other, like we had been doing this for months if not years. I’ve never just been able to hang out with a guy and feel like that.
After the party had broken up, we went back to his dorm and watched August Rush. I was astonished. He is a Music Education major and had never seen this movie! Ridiculous. So, I took it upon myself to change this. This time around, he not only held my hand, but I rested my head on his shoulder and he then rested his head on mine.
We didn’t get to the end of the movie, though, so when he gets out of Opera rehearsal(which will HOPEFULLY be very soon) we’re going to finish the movie.
Have I mentioned that I have been exceedingly happy the last week or two? I definitely think he has something to do with this.
-Kay
Enter The Nerdmate
It’s been far too long since my last post and I’m very sorry for that, but things here are going exceedingly well and for the first time in quite a while I’m busy living my life and being happy.
There’s a new player to the game, The NerdMate, and he is fantastic. The last few days we’ve been spending time together and talking more and more. It started last Friday after Induction. A group of us were hanging out and the gang was teasing about my new Frat Daughter being “A Miracle Jesus Baby.” A couple of the guys were trying to set me up with The Nerdmate to be my frat husband and it worked. The Nerdmate and I said our I Do’s and now we are a happy little family.
So The Nerdmate and I start talking, just general get to know you kind of conversation and the more I find out about him the more I realize we have in common. It’s insane the number of shared interests we have. We talked about books and gaming and music, it turns out that we are nerdy in all the same ways. Which I thought was impossible. He would text me asking how my day was and how class was going, and at some point along the way I started to hope that his interest in me was more than just as his Greek wife.
It got the point where we were talking every moment that we could. Thursday I even sat with him at lunch. Friday I had what for me was an incredibly brave moment and asked him if he was going to the Stedman movie that night. He said he hadn’t made any plans and I asked if he’d like to go. He said yes. It’s difficult to describe how awesome Friday night was. There were a lot of little things that went into it that made it spectacular that just sound silly unless you were the two of us.
Afterward I asked if it had been a date and his response was better than a yes. He said, “ummm…. Well, I wouldn’t consider that a date, but it would make my day if you would let me take you on one.”
I’m not sure I’ve stopped smiling since.Yesterday we talked all day and had dinner together(just in the caf, but it was still together) and made plans for what we’re going to do on this date of ours. Dinner and then our own personal movie night. I can’t wait.
Today, today was just perfect. We spent the day together. I went to his room and we both worked on homework(Yes, we legitimately worked on homework). We also spent a good deal of time looking at my astronomy star chart. He was making fun of the constellations and we just had a lot of fun. It sounds dumb, but he just makes me laugh so much. My favorite part of today was probably when he I started to explain how to use it and he joined me there on the floor.
When homework was finished(His not mine. I was way too wrapped up in what was going on to be able to focus on school), we just talked. We spent roughly five hours just talking, getting to know each other a little better. There was very little physical contact between the two of us, and it was almost more intimate that way. I’ve never been in a relationship like this. Nothing is official, he’s not my boy friend and I’m not his girl friend(But let me tell you: I’m not opposed to those options). I guess this is what people call dating? I think? That’s the thing, I realized I’ve never “dated” anyone. I don’t feel like The Nerdmate is in any hurry to define what we are, we really are just taking it one day at a time and it is so nice that way. I don’t feel like I’m under any pressure and yet I know I have this amazing guy there for me.
People have been asking all weekend what’s different about me. I don’t know what to tell them other than my smiling is finally finding it’s way back into my eyes. It’s a wonderful feeling. I’m not saying that The Nerdmate has brought me happiness, only you can grant yourself permission to be happy, but I AM happy. Even if things don’t work out the way I necessarily want them too, I have a feeling that he and I are going to become very good friends. We’re just to similar for it to be any other way.
-Kay
A Day In The Life 