Well, Ladies and Gents, it has been a MINUTE since I posted last!
Last I left you, I was a sad, pathetic ball of mess on the floor.
Honestly, I don’t know how much better I’m doing, but I’ve resigned myself to just working through it. I have to push the feelings of inadequacy and fear and pain way down deep and move on with life.
As you may know, graduation is a mere 7 months away! That is both exciting and terrifying. Even more frightening, grad school applications are due beginning next month! I have my work cut out for me. This all makes me very nervous and puts me under a great deal of stress. The result is a mixture of sickness-I’m currently fighting off a bout of strep throat-, panic, and insomnia! Hooray!
“Where’s that good news you promised us?!” You ask?
WELL! I can reassure you that there are good things happening around here. I have found that there are still friends here that remain loyal through it all. Some were surprising candidates, I must admit, but some I should not have doubted. I’m more thankful for them than I can express, they help keep me out of my own headspace. And when I do get caught up in my thoughts, they let me say what I need to say, shed my tears, and be done with it. And the best part, they never bring it up again.
I’m also being constantly reminded of why I love my professors so dearly. They daily say and do things that put a smile on my face. They make me proud to be their student and they make me want to make them proud. Sometimes in life it is hard to find good role models, well I have plenty right here at my fingertips. They are kind and intelligent adults who look out for each other. They genuinely care about those who care about learning from them and they treat me like a mature individual who is going somewhere in this life. When I start to feel down, they are there to remind me that they have confidence of the utmost in my abilities, even before my friends are. I can’t wait to be their colleague!
I know that those who regularly read this are used to the rollercoaster of my life. Most of you probably wish I would just get used to the fact that life often throws me cruve balls that I am not at all prepared to deal with. I’m trying. I still don’t know what I’m supposed to learn from all this, but people I trust, people I look up to, keep telling me that I will be stronger and more able to fulfill my purpose because of the heartache, the sorrow, and the stress that this semester has brought. I can only hope and pray that they are right.
I love you all. Thank you for everything.
Not an apt description of me. For many reasons, but mainly, I don’t particularly care for cinnamon. You know what I do care for? Happy endings.
I know, I know, it’s been far too long since my last post. What can I say? It’s been… interesting around here? To say the very least.
The Nerdmate and I are once again together. It took some time for everyone to cool down about the situation, but it seems to have worked out.
School is going well, I have some extraordinary friends, a wonderful new alliance with My New Best Friend, SAI is flourishing, and I just got hired for two more hours a week of tutoring!
It really is the little things in life that keep a college girl going. I’m really looking forward to see where things go from here. Something big is just around the corner, I can feel it.
This is not to say things have been butterflies and rainbows in the last few weeks.
For example, I found out that Candler, the seminary I’ve been planning on attending, has removed the program I was interested in. That was frustrating.
BUT it got me really looking at some other schools. Did you know that tuition at Princeton Seminary is about 5k cheaper than tuition here at CMU. Yeah, not kidding. This makes me very excited.
You know what else makes me excited? Elections, specifically in SAI. Yeah, they’re coming up. Like, in the next month or so. Pretty nervous, but I know what I want and I’m going to go for it. That means President, ladies. If the girls don’t think I’m the right girl for the position, that’s ok. But I really think I could do a good job,and I really think I’ve proven that I’m the best candidate.
I’ll leave you with that for now.
Talk at ya later, gators!
It’s over. He broke up with me last night after a long week of fighting. The switch from “I don’t want to lose you” to “I’m not happy in this relationship” occurred overnight when “he realized I wanted my pride more than I wanted him.”
I’m trying to put on a brave face… it works until I’m alone or with a small group and the subject comes up. And it always does. People always want to know. It’s like no one else has had their hearts broken in a break-up before.
I was scared I was going to lose the majority of my male friends over this, because they’re the Nerdmate’s PMA brothers. Luckily, that doesn’t seem to be the case, at least not yet. I’m not really sure what will happen there…
With a broken heart
The Nerdmate and I are fighting. Or, we had a fight and now there’s this weird not speaking to each other dance happening. I don’t like it. There’s a lot of internal struggling happening on both sides.
I’m probably not the kind of girl that comes off as the cut and run type, but I totally am. Commitment scares me. Rejection scares me. Getting attached and having my heart trampled on terrifies me. When the seas get rough, I take my boat in. My walls go up and I do whatever it takes to keep myself safe. That usually means a I cut and run. I take off. I leave. Not physically, but emotionally. That’s how all of my relationships have ended.
And then I do something rash and compulsive, usually to my hair. After every break-up or nasty fight, I’ve dyed and/or cut my hair. After the catastrophe of a fight with the WhiteKnight, I almost went out and got a tattoo or a piercing, some kind of body mod. I didn’t, just in case you were curious. But that was when I stripped the red from my hair, because red was HIS color. Brown was the PensylvanianLover’s color, etc.
This time it’s different. I can’t cut and run. This is the first time that I’ve gone to the same school as the guy I was with, yet alone lived in the same town. And this isn’t just the same town, The Nerdmate lives in the dorm directly above mine. Everytime he moves, everytime he has someone over, I can hear him. So even if I WAS going to run, I couldn’t. Also, I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I walk away, I’m walking away from the man that could be my soul mate.
How do you know if someone if your soul mate? How do you know if this is the person you were made for? I don’t know. And that scares me. And it ticks me off. I’ve worked past the tears. I won’t shed tears ’til I know it’s over. I can’t. But I. Am. Mad. We are supposed to be a team. We are supposed to be there for each other. We cannot aford to shut down the lines of communication if we’re going to make it through this. I love him and I know he loves me, but I don’t see that he wants to be with me. And I’m not going to waste my time following him around until he makes his decision. I’ve been there and I will never go back.
He needs space, so I’m giving him space. Honeslty, I need some space of my own. He’s going to make whatever decision he’s going to make without my influence and anyone who knows him knows that’s true. That’s how he works. So what am I doing to keep myself busy? Everything I can. I had girl time with The Roommate and Rose. It was really helpful. The Roommate and I are driving down to MMEA to watch the band perform! Yay! It’s a huge honor. And then we’ll participate in the StepSings of Sigma Alpha Iota and Phi Mu Alpha. And tomorrow night I’m having a movie/game night with my New Best Friend. Don’t worry, Bestie, you’re still my Bestie. 🙂 My New Best Friend and I have just needed each other to talk things out, our friendship is growing everyday.
I will be ok. I will survive and I hope that I come out on the other side with the Nerdmate by my side once more.
There’s a been a lot of turmoil in the last few weeks, but I’m home for Christmas break and I’d like to write a post about two good things in my life.
The first, my grades! They actually turned out decent this semester. As many of you know, I made the dumb decision to embark on two foreign language journeys this semester. Spanish and Chemistry. Spanish turned out to be more challenging than I anticipated. And Chemistry wasn’t awful. I did well and I actually enjoyed most of it. Not the math. But pretty much everything else. Because of these two challenging subjects, I was greatly concerned for my grades, and more so, my GPA. Well, folks! I ended the semester with all As and Bs. To some of you this will sound like I had nothing to worry about. Others… Well, you may be looking at that and thinking, “That’s not as good as so and so…” Please keep those comments to yourself. I’m trying to be excited about my semester. I’m trying really hard to be ok with the fact that I’m no longer a straight A student. I did well and next semester will be even better! Proof that I CAN be happy AND successful! If you’re confused about that statement, don’t sweat it. Haha!
The second good, no GREAT, thing in my life is The Nerdmate. 🙂 My lands, he makes me happy! It’s been almost a year now folks and I can’t believe the things I’ve done, the person I’ve become in that time. I’ve learned so much about him, myself, life. I can’t imagine being happier with anyone else. I’ve never felt as complete as I do when I’m with him. I like the way he makes me feel. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I’m not scared of what my future with another person holds, I’m not scared to put my trust in him.
Right now I’m missing him a great deal. It gets harder and harder to leave him every time and I wonder if it will always be this way. The good news is, each time I grow more confident that we’ll make it through. We survived the summer and we’ve now survived two semesters together. He’ll be here on Sunday, Christmas day. What a glorious Christmas present. 🙂
He’s not really done a family holiday with my family yet. Not one where he meets the extended family. He won’t be here for Christmas Eve with my dad’s family, and he went home for Thanksgiving, but he will be meeting my mom’s family this Christmas. He’ll be coming with my family and some of our extended family for vacation the week between Christmas and New Year’s. On the way back, we’ll stop at my Aunt’s house(my mom’s sister) to celebrate Christmas with them. I can’t wait for them to meet him. I hope they like him as much as I do. If we make it to next Christmas, I hope he’ll get to meet more of my dad’s family. 🙂
*By the Beatles. One of the few songs I actually really like by them. Don’t tell mi padre. Haha!
Things are better. Or getting there anyway. I had an emotional breakdown yesterday. It was pretty ugly, I broke up with the Nerdmate. Luckily, he is a better lover than myself and didn’t really accept that as an option. I did some soul cleansing and some crying and today is going much better.
A huge part of my problem is this: I don’t want to have to rely on meds to be happy for the rest of my life. I hate that that may be what’s necessary to function as a normal human being. I’ve never wanted anything more than to be normal. I got to college and thought that I had found a place where I could be normal, I seemed normal. For a while anyway. I hate being an emotional roller coaster. I’m going to have to learn to live with the meds, I guess, because I can’t keep making myself and the people around me so miserable. That just makes me feel even worse.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Growing up is really freakin’ hard! Trying to grow up as a responsible, functioning, positive member of society is even more difficult. Bear with me, people, there are more mistakes around the corner. Lol.
Well Hidey-Ho there, neighbors!
Yeah, I know. I haven’t held up to my end of the bargain. Life’s been a little, no scratch that, a lot crazy. School is back in full swing. I love it, as usual. This semester has started off a little rocky; so far I’ve learned that I’m going to have to go out of my way to make sure I’m spending time with The Nerdmate(yes, we’re still very happy) and that taking 21 credit hours while trying to recover from mono is, in fact, a bad plan. I’ve dropped a class, though, so I’m back down to a manageable 18 hours.
I’ve been kinda moody lately, The Nerdmate can attest to that(although he probably wouldn’t say it). I don’t know what the deal is. Since I haven’t been to the nutritionists since I got mono, I don’t have an anti-depressant anymore, I wonder if that’s part of it. I’m hoping that I’m to the point in some form of recovery from last fall that I can be ok without it. I have some St John’s if I get too bad. And a loving young man who will let me cry on his shoulder if I need it.
It’s awesome having him so close, both physically nearby and emotionally. It’s hard, because we’re both so busy, but I feel like we’re doing pretty well. Next Monday will be 7 months together. That probably doesn’t sound like a long time to most of you, but it’s huge for us. We didn’t expect this to turn into something serious and now we’re pretty sure we’d like to spend our lives together.
Anyway, I’m kind of rambling now, but I just wanted to let you know that I hadn’t forgotten about you, readers. I’m still very much attached to this, my blogging family. I should get back to homework now.
Check ya later,