It’s over. He broke up with me last night after a long week of fighting. The switch from “I don’t want to lose you” to “I’m not happy in this relationship” occurred overnight when “he realized I wanted my pride more than I wanted him.”
I’m trying to put on a brave face… it works until I’m alone or with a small group and the subject comes up. And it always does. People always want to know. It’s like no one else has had their hearts broken in a break-up before.
I was scared I was going to lose the majority of my male friends over this, because they’re the Nerdmate’s PMA brothers. Luckily, that doesn’t seem to be the case, at least not yet. I’m not really sure what will happen there…
With a broken heart
The Nerdmate and I are fighting. Or, we had a fight and now there’s this weird not speaking to each other dance happening. I don’t like it. There’s a lot of internal struggling happening on both sides.
I’m probably not the kind of girl that comes off as the cut and run type, but I totally am. Commitment scares me. Rejection scares me. Getting attached and having my heart trampled on terrifies me. When the seas get rough, I take my boat in. My walls go up and I do whatever it takes to keep myself safe. That usually means a I cut and run. I take off. I leave. Not physically, but emotionally. That’s how all of my relationships have ended.
And then I do something rash and compulsive, usually to my hair. After every break-up or nasty fight, I’ve dyed and/or cut my hair. After the catastrophe of a fight with the WhiteKnight, I almost went out and got a tattoo or a piercing, some kind of body mod. I didn’t, just in case you were curious. But that was when I stripped the red from my hair, because red was HIS color. Brown was the PensylvanianLover’s color, etc.
This time it’s different. I can’t cut and run. This is the first time that I’ve gone to the same school as the guy I was with, yet alone lived in the same town. And this isn’t just the same town, The Nerdmate lives in the dorm directly above mine. Everytime he moves, everytime he has someone over, I can hear him. So even if I WAS going to run, I couldn’t. Also, I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I walk away, I’m walking away from the man that could be my soul mate.
How do you know if someone if your soul mate? How do you know if this is the person you were made for? I don’t know. And that scares me. And it ticks me off. I’ve worked past the tears. I won’t shed tears ’til I know it’s over. I can’t. But I. Am. Mad. We are supposed to be a team. We are supposed to be there for each other. We cannot aford to shut down the lines of communication if we’re going to make it through this. I love him and I know he loves me, but I don’t see that he wants to be with me. And I’m not going to waste my time following him around until he makes his decision. I’ve been there and I will never go back.
He needs space, so I’m giving him space. Honeslty, I need some space of my own. He’s going to make whatever decision he’s going to make without my influence and anyone who knows him knows that’s true. That’s how he works. So what am I doing to keep myself busy? Everything I can. I had girl time with The Roommate and Rose. It was really helpful. The Roommate and I are driving down to MMEA to watch the band perform! Yay! It’s a huge honor. And then we’ll participate in the StepSings of Sigma Alpha Iota and Phi Mu Alpha. And tomorrow night I’m having a movie/game night with my New Best Friend. Don’t worry, Bestie, you’re still my Bestie. 🙂 My New Best Friend and I have just needed each other to talk things out, our friendship is growing everyday.
I will be ok. I will survive and I hope that I come out on the other side with the Nerdmate by my side once more.
*A poem by Susan CoolidgeNo soul can be quite separate; however set aside by fate, however cold or dull or shy or shrinking from the public eye; the world is common to the race, and nowhere is a hiding place; behind, before, with rhythmic beat is heard the tread of marching feet; to left, to right, they urge, they fare, and touch us here, and touch us there. Hold back your garments as you will the crowding world will rub it still. Then since such contact needs must be, what shall it do for you and me? Shall it be cold and hard alone, as when a stone doth touch a stone– fruitless, unwelcome, and unmeant; put by as a dull accident– while we pass onward deaf and blind, with no relenting look behind? Or, as when two round drops of rain let fall upon a window pane, wander, divergent from their course, led by some blind, instinctive force, mingle and blend and interfuse– their separate shapes and being lose, made one thereafter and the same; identical in end and aim, nor brighter gleam, nor faster run. Because they are not tow, but one. Or shall we meet, in warring mood, the contact of the fire and flood, decreed by nature and by will, the one to warm, the one to chill; the one to burn, the one to slake, to Thwart and counteract and make each other’s wretchedness, and dwell with hate irreconcilable? Or, as when fierce fire meets frail straw, and carries out the fatal law which makes the weaker thing to be the prey of strength and tyranny; a careless touch, half scorn, half mirth, a brief resistance, little worth; a little blaze soon quenched and marred, and ashes ever afterward? No; let us meet, since meet we must, not shaking off the common dust, as if we feared our fellow men and fain would walk aloor from them not fruitlessly, as rain meets rain, and not to spoil and desolate. But, as we meet and touch eat day, the many travelers on our way, let every such brief contact be, a glorious, helpful ministry; the contact of the soil and seed, each giving to the other’s need each helping on the other’s best and blessing each, as we are blessed.
That’s how I feel. Mostly.
The events of the last few days have been… exciting. And not in a good way.
Shortly after my last post, and I mean within a few minutes, the WhiteKnight let me know that he was in the ER for what was either a flu bug that didn’t make him throw up, or appendicitis. (For those of you who don’t know, WK and are now on speaking terms again as good friends) It was the latter and they were going to take his appendix that night. When I talked to Mr. P. I asked if WK needed someone to sit with him at the hospital. I quickly amended my question to the more appropriate, “Do YOU need someone to sit with him at the hospital?” To which he firmly replied, “Yes.” So I went. And my lovely roommate went with.
Yesterday WK was released, he was up and moving(albeit slowly), and he had eaten solid food. Needless to say, after a much needed night of sleep, I woke up today feeling calm.
There’s another piece to my calm. I blogged on Wednesday about my unstable financial situation and the need to figure out the funding of this semester. Well, my wonderful friends are just that, wonderful. In the last 24 hours, I have received $155 in gifts from friends to put toward my education. It’s not a lot, no, but it’s a fantastic start and more than I could have asked for. There really are angels in my life, truly wonderful people looking out for me and helping me fulfill my calling. Thank you.
Everyone has angels in their lives, they’re people who show up in your times of need, people who help you through an icy patch on the road of life, people who love you when you feel like you’re an island in the storm.
I’ve always believed that we have hidden angels in our lives and it’s struck me lately how true that is. I’ve been blessed with so many angels, so many people who genuinely love me, friends who go out of their way to ease a discomfort, wipe a tear, heal a hurt…
My family is in a rough spot financially and that’s really hard to swallow. It’s made me question a lot of my decisions in life. It’s made me second guess my plans, my actions. It makes me feel selfish for being at school. And it makes me realize how wasteful I’ve been in my nearly 21 years on this earth. I can’t afford to be here, at school. I have no idea how I’m going to make it to graduation when I can’t even come up with the money for this semester.
I’m second guessing seminary. Maybe this is God’s way of shutting down my pride and telling me I need to work for a few years before continuing with my education. I don’t NEED to go to seminary. I don’t NEED to be ordained. I can do God’s work without those things. It’s my thirst for knowledge and the example of my mentors that led me down the road to seminary. Maybe that’s not what God wants. Maybe I don’t need to spend the extra money.
I’m scared. I got some bad news today, news that I don’t feel particularly comfortable publishing for the world yet. And in this time I’ve turned to some of the most beautiful and talented and inspiring young women I know, my SAI sisters. They have helped me so much without knowing they were doing anything. An Angel, we’ll call her Rose, manifested herself about a week ago. She bought my books for the semester. She’s stubborn and once she gets her mind on an idea, there’s no stopping that train. She’s fiery and passionate and silly and one of the best friends in my life. Tonight, I cried on the shoulders of those sisters. I told them for the first time that I was in trouble and they smiled and told me things would be ok. They hugged me and kissed me and gave me strength and courage to hold my head in confidence that, though life will throw me curve balls, they will pull out all the stops to get me the biggest damn net you’ve ever imagined to catch it.
These girls are my angels. They are my guiding stars. My companions through the thickest of evil nasty forests. And I love them with my whole big heart.
You have someone like this in your life. Let them in. God has sent them for you specifically. And when you’re able, return the favor. Then it’ll be your chance to be an angel.
Have you ever sent an email out into the world that held your true feelings? Have you ever lost a friend and when you found them again, sent them an email? You probably felt like… You’re sorry, but you’re afraid to say that you’re sorry, because you’ve said that a million times before… You’re confused, because you don’t know if they’ve been avoiding you… Afraid that they’ve locked you out, because they’re better off without you… Sad that those old memories are all you have of that person…
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about people in my past lately. It’s been tough. I’ve lost a lot of friends, a lot of really good friend, merely by growing up and moving on and realizing we don’t have anything in common anymore. That’s harder than having a reason to be mad at that person, I think.
I’ve been thinking about opportunities I let myself miss out on. That thing they say about hind-sight being everything is really true. I’m so young and yet I can recognize all of these mistakes I’ve made. I know I’m going to make millions more, let more people down, and that’s a hard thing to swallow.
I’m realizing that I feel much less sad when I’m at school. I think it’s because new and fresh things are happening in my life there. When I’m here, on The Hill, with the few exceptions, I’m brought face to face with death. Not physical death, but spiritual, emotional death. Here is where many friendships came to an end, simply by growing older. That is sad. There is no new growth left for me on The Hill. My life is out there. I think I needed to realize that before I made a decision about seminary. I needed to know that “out there” is where I’m going to be truly alive, because I can’t grow any more here. And if I’m not growing, I must not be alive.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 3,600 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 60 trips to carry that many people.