The life of a not so average girl doing not so average things.

Archive for August, 2010

The Tune of a Sad, Sad Heart

Sorry it’s been so long. School is off and rolling now, classes started last Tuesday and I had my first reading assignment on Wednesday. Needless to say, life is getting busy at a readily increasing speed. Wednesday I also auditioned for the first play of the semester. It’s called The Hollow and was written by Agatha Christie. While I was not cast, I did score the position of Production Assistant and my roommate will be the Assistant Director. Jazz choir had it’s first meeting on Thursday and it looks like we’re going to have a great semester there as well. We are in the market for at least another couple basses and maybe a tenor or two, so if you know anyone at CMU that might be interested let me know!

The other big thing that happened this week, the one that weighs most heavily on my heart, is the decision between Whiteknight and I to take a break.  “A break?” You say, “that’s not so bad.” Ah, but he hasn’t spoken more than a few sentences my way since that decision was made. Was it the right thing to do? I don’t know yet. Was it what was needed? I think so, but I can’t be sure. Many factors played into this. At least on my side of things this is what I see: we are both under a lot of pressure and thus stress financially and academically; we don’t have cars and won’t see much of each other this semester after not seeing each other hardly all summer or last semester; we are having communications problems and neither of us seem to know how to fix it and/or aren’t willing to work on our own issues.I wish matters of the heart came with warning labels, instructions on how to make it all work out. But alas, they do not.

WK’s dad called. Actually, I’ve spoken to him several times in the last couple days since this all transpired. Yesterday he called to ask if, on his way into CoMo to meet WK at church, I’d like him to pick me up. He thought it would be a good way for us to talk and get things sorted through. Maybe, once again, I was over analyzing, but I told him I’d need some time to think about it. The night before, you see, I had sent WK a message on Skype(he’s always on Skype) asking how his day was. I was trying to be there for him as a friend and sister in Christ. WK never responded. After talking with his dad, I sent him a message on Facebook asking him what he thought about the idea. No response. Finally I got through to him and do you know what he responded with after two days of nothing? “I don’t know right now” and he hasn’t made another effort. So when WK’s dad called this evening to ask how I was doing with the decision to go to CoMo or not, I told him I didn’t think it was fair of me to intrude on WK’s space since, for at least the moment, he didn’t seem to want to talk.

I wish I knew how to make the tears stop. I cried after the initial conversation with WK; I cried before, during and after explaining to my roommate; I cried while I talked to my mom and when texting my best friend about the situation; and after today’s phone call with WK’s dad. Sadness has become a constant in my life the last couple of days. I’m dazed, I’m achy, I’d rather curl up and sleep than see my friends’ smiling faces. I don’t want to do this anymore. All I wanted was to do what was best for the two of us. I wanted to be friends, there for each other in a no-pressure-siblings-in-Christ kind of way. I thought some time off from being “boyfriend and girlfriend” would help us grow and be stronger. I want to be able to tell him everything and for him to feel safe and comfortable doing the same. I don’t want to be the bad guy or the good guy or the guy that he never thinks about.

I’m broken, but I took a leap of faith, which for me is incredibly difficult. I hope it doesn’t keep kicking me in the butt. I hope it works out.

I love you WK and will be here when and if you’re ready to be friends.



All Grown Up

…According to the law…

I feel like I’m not really getting anywhere. Worse than that, I’m back peddling. The last couple of weeks I’ve been living back at my parents’ house between the internship and heading back to school. My anxiety issues and the OCD have been steadily returning full-scale during that time. Last night I turned in my church and parsonage keys, I nearly had to pull over to the side of the road and take several deep breaths.  My best friend is opening her own store and has a new baby, my sister just built her first home and will be moving in this weekend, and my roommate is practically planning a wedding and the rest of her life. I, on the other hand, am not even sure I will be able to return to school this semester… I was turned down for a student loan, unless I can come up with another 3k for the semester… I honestly don’t know what will happen. My parents may decide to suddenly become generous or I may find myself in need of a full-time job. It’s like when everyone else’s lives are really coming together and great things are happening for them that is when things fall apart for me. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers during this difficult and stressful time, the Lord knows I need help.

GenCon Indy

GenCon Indy is just about every nerd’s dream vacation. Especially the kind of nerd that is a gamer. I know what you’re thinking, this doesn’t sound like the kind of thing that a future pastor/youth director would attend, but I’ve been waiting all year for this. We have spent the last two days getting everything ready to go. My roommate from school is coming to stay at my parents house while we’re gone to watch over the place and the gardens and the animals. The only thing she won’t be doing is feeding Fang, the snake, and Thor, the turtle. We leave tomorrow at 4am. It’s worth it. Anyway, I know this is a short post, but I wanted to keep everyone updated. I’ll have plenty of stories to tell next Monday upon my return! Bye, friends!