Creeping Up On Me
Love scares me, because all my life people have tossed around that word like it meant nothing at all. It means a lot to me. When I say it, I mean it. There are many different kinds of love and just about everyone fits into one of those categories.
I say “I love you” to my friends all the time, because I do love them. I say it all of the time to my siblings, because I would do anything for each of them. As much as they drive me crazy some days, I love them with my whole heart and then some. I rarely say it to my parents. i believe that you shouldn’t tell someone you love them if you’re heart and mind aren’t in it. Don’t ever just say it to say it, even if not saying it makes the situation awkward. Deal with it. An awkward situation is better than misuse of such an important word. There has been a lot of animosity between my parents and I in the last several years. It’s getting better slowly, but surely, but I still almost never tell them I love them.
Part of this is because I have a lot of doubt when it comes to their so-called love for me and my siblings. My dad is getting much better about showing genuine love for us, but most of the time Mom and Dad have alterior motives. I must say, however, that sometimes they push us because they genuinely want what’s best for us. They want us to work our hardest and always do our best and continuously improve. I think these are the kinds of things most parents want for their children, mine just have a tendency to go a little over board.
The person I say “I love you” to the most is probably The Bestie. Every conversation we have(whether via text, phone call, instant message or face to face) we tell each other we love each other, sometimes more than once. The person I use the “L” word the least with… The Nerdmate. i used to say it to him when we were just friends, because I did and still do love him as my friend. he knows that, but he also knows that(for the most part) I won’t say it again until I’m sure that I’m IN love with him. This doesn’t mean that I love him any less as my friend, but if I say it now it implies something more and that is a commitment that neither he nor I am ready to make.
I really like him and I know that he really likes me. A few nights ago he said, “I feel very strongly for you and I’m glad that things are going the way they’re going and it makes me happy being with you.” That means a lot to me. I like that he doesn’t feed me B.S. He doesn’t try to say the things he thinks I want to hear, he just tells me the truth without necessarily trying to flower it up. He told me a while back that he can’t promise me that he won’t hurt me, but that if he ever does hurt me, it’s not because he meant to. That is a kind of honestly that we don’t often find in relationships. I honestly think I would do anything for The Nerdmate at this point. he means a great deal to me. I want to be able to help in whatever ways i can. I will be here to hold his hand when he needs that. I will help fight his battle when he needs me to be at his side, but I will also sit back and be his personal cheerleader when he needs to do things on his own.
I don’t know if that’s love. I don’t want to tell him it is in case it isn’t. I take love very seriously. I have some incredibly deep-seated issues and fears when it comes to love. I’d like to work through those things. I’d like The Nerdmate to help me.