Today was my last homecoming as a student here at CMU and it was a good one, despite the downpour that began at noonish and hasn’t let up yet.
Usually, I’m one of those people that most of you dread. I get tearful at the end of an era and I wax nostalgic quite frequently, but today my eyes remained dry. I don’t know if it’s a sign that I’m growing up, or if it’s another thing about me that changed this year.
I’m proud of the things that I’ve done in my time here at Central, glad for the friends I’ve made and the experiences I’ve had, but I don’t feel all that sad about leaving here in seven months. Honestly, the people I feel I’ll miss the most are my professors. Again, I’m not sure what that says about my social skills of late.
I’ve noticed that I don’t like being in a large group for very long anymore. I’d much rather just a few people hanging out laughing. I’ve done far too little laughing lately. When I’m with my friends, my laugh and smile feel forced.
I don’t feel sad really…
…I’m not sure what’s wrong with me anymore.
I think people are tired of hearing that I’m sad, that I feel lonely, so I try not to talk about it. Sometimes it still slips out, though.
Like now. This is supposed to be a happy post. I had a good day, honest! I got to see some alumns and have good conversations with them! I had a great time at the Σ AI and ΦMA songfests! I always like listening to the band! And then I went over the the Nav House for game night! I only stayed a few hours before returning to my room, though.
I’ve always been a people person. What if I’m not anymore? Is that bad?
Some days I miss the old me. Some days I don’t.
It’s over. He broke up with me last night after a long week of fighting. The switch from “I don’t want to lose you” to “I’m not happy in this relationship” occurred overnight when “he realized I wanted my pride more than I wanted him.”
I’m trying to put on a brave face… it works until I’m alone or with a small group and the subject comes up. And it always does. People always want to know. It’s like no one else has had their hearts broken in a break-up before.
I was scared I was going to lose the majority of my male friends over this, because they’re the Nerdmate’s PMA brothers. Luckily, that doesn’t seem to be the case, at least not yet. I’m not really sure what will happen there…
With a broken heart
The Nerdmate and I are fighting. Or, we had a fight and now there’s this weird not speaking to each other dance happening. I don’t like it. There’s a lot of internal struggling happening on both sides.
I’m probably not the kind of girl that comes off as the cut and run type, but I totally am. Commitment scares me. Rejection scares me. Getting attached and having my heart trampled on terrifies me. When the seas get rough, I take my boat in. My walls go up and I do whatever it takes to keep myself safe. That usually means a I cut and run. I take off. I leave. Not physically, but emotionally. That’s how all of my relationships have ended.
And then I do something rash and compulsive, usually to my hair. After every break-up or nasty fight, I’ve dyed and/or cut my hair. After the catastrophe of a fight with the WhiteKnight, I almost went out and got a tattoo or a piercing, some kind of body mod. I didn’t, just in case you were curious. But that was when I stripped the red from my hair, because red was HIS color. Brown was the PensylvanianLover’s color, etc.
This time it’s different. I can’t cut and run. This is the first time that I’ve gone to the same school as the guy I was with, yet alone lived in the same town. And this isn’t just the same town, The Nerdmate lives in the dorm directly above mine. Everytime he moves, everytime he has someone over, I can hear him. So even if I WAS going to run, I couldn’t. Also, I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I walk away, I’m walking away from the man that could be my soul mate.
How do you know if someone if your soul mate? How do you know if this is the person you were made for? I don’t know. And that scares me. And it ticks me off. I’ve worked past the tears. I won’t shed tears ’til I know it’s over. I can’t. But I. Am. Mad. We are supposed to be a team. We are supposed to be there for each other. We cannot aford to shut down the lines of communication if we’re going to make it through this. I love him and I know he loves me, but I don’t see that he wants to be with me. And I’m not going to waste my time following him around until he makes his decision. I’ve been there and I will never go back.
He needs space, so I’m giving him space. Honeslty, I need some space of my own. He’s going to make whatever decision he’s going to make without my influence and anyone who knows him knows that’s true. That’s how he works. So what am I doing to keep myself busy? Everything I can. I had girl time with The Roommate and Rose. It was really helpful. The Roommate and I are driving down to MMEA to watch the band perform! Yay! It’s a huge honor. And then we’ll participate in the StepSings of Sigma Alpha Iota and Phi Mu Alpha. And tomorrow night I’m having a movie/game night with my New Best Friend. Don’t worry, Bestie, you’re still my Bestie. 🙂 My New Best Friend and I have just needed each other to talk things out, our friendship is growing everyday.
I will be ok. I will survive and I hope that I come out on the other side with the Nerdmate by my side once more.
The was to get up this morning, go to my 8:30, be very studious, get out about 9:45, hop in the car with my mother and drive to KC for my appointment with the nutritionist, find out how much weight I’ve lost and have a BMI done, drop kit and paperwork off at Vector, replenish supplement supplies and pick up things I had left behind, drive back to school.
Turns out, just because you plan ahead and have it all worked out, doesn’t mean that is what is going to happen. I woke at 7am to a call from my mother saying that BabyBro and LittleSis didn’t have school, because the roads on The Hill are covered with ice. Her exact words: “It just isn’t worth it.”
Thanks for the ego boost, Mom...
What really gets me is that the high schoolers who were out of school because of this dreadful ice didn’t seem to have a problem driving around on it. Also, there wasn’t ANYTHING on the roads here, so I’m having a difficult time being sympathetic. She could have at least let me bring the scale with me to school, you know, the one that I bought… Gr.
Needless to say, my day started off pretty dimly, but I forced myself to keep my chin up. So what if I have NO IDEA how the weight loss has gone this week. So what if I have NO IDEA what the results of my lab work last week are. So what if I did’t get my BMI done today… Right? Gr. Ok, i’m going to be happy again. 🙂 See? I can do it.
I DID feel good about our SAI Executive Board meeting today. I got everything figured out for my reports for meeting on Thursday, we’re on schedule for Induction on Friday, and I felt all around accomplished. Go me!
Ok, I promised a post about the boy… well, boys.
See what I mean? New and different situation that I’ve never been in before with a whole new set of rules that I have to figure out how to navigate! This is good, though. I feel good.
I love him. He’s my best friend and besties tend to love each other, right? But where is the line between love for a best friend and love for a partner and have we crossed it at some point and not recognized it as such? We both have issues, both physically and mentally. We’re both working on these things, but can we overcome them? Should we even try? What about his confusion? How do I encourage him in “us” without being pushy or expectant? Things are really great with us right now and I don’t necessarily want to risk upsetting that. I want him to continue to feel comfortable telling me anything and everything. I love talking to him and he always knows how to make me smile. He has developed this sweet side that I’ve never seen before. Is that something everyone sees or just me?
Alabama is new to this particular playing field. He and I also went to high school together and is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever known. He’s always sweet and there is definitely flirtation happening, the thing is that he flirts with a lot of people and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. If things were to develop with Alabama, it would be another difficult situation, because he’s in the Army and is currently at AIT in, you guessed it, Alabama. He’s also doing bomb type things and his expected lifetime is INCREDIBLY short and I just don’t know how to handle knowing that. I do like him, but it’s going to be a while before we know if there’s anything there.
3) The Bad Boy
He probably IS bad news, but there is an attraction there that I can’t really explain. He’s definitely not my usual, that is for sure. Just about every person I’ve talked to about this situation says he’s only in it for one thing, sex, but I think there just might be more on his mind. There is, however, a bit of a situation between him and Neighbor#1. He has liked her for a long time, but she says there’s nothing there. It basically sucks. What I don’t get is that when he was feeling down the other night, he didn’t text her, he text me. The advantage to The Bad Boy is that he lives on campus, he is in fact the next dorm hall over. He’s also involved in the Conservatory and is a ΦMA.
I’ve never had multiple guys like me, let alone been “talking” to them all. Granted, I’m not sure you can call what L.A. and I do “talking.” Nevertheless, I’m excited and curious to see where it all goes. And now you know! Which was the whole point of all of that.
Have a good evening, everyone!
As the title would suggest, this evening was the Sigma Alpha Iota Christmas Concert here at CMU. I jsut have to say, we pulled it off fabulously! My favorite piece was a rendition of Auld Lang Syne arranged by a former professor on campus, the late Dr. Paul Drummond. The piece is incredibly beautiful and it means a lot to many of us here at Central. It was great to be able to sing alongside my sisters and alongside our Phi Mu Alpha brothers. It was especially great to share our gift and love of music with the new students in the Conservatory.
Right now, despite the fact that I’m creeping up on the 1 o’clock hour, I am feeling really good. I just finished paper #2 of 5 and am realizing how if I can just get my act together for the time being, I can make it through the rest of this semester. I also decided against auditioning for the musical to take place next semester. I will have even more weight on my shoulders and will have my hands full enough without adding a musical to boot. I talked to Dr. W. and he fully understood my sentiment and thanked me for taking those things into consideration. He was me to be able to manage effectively and he also wants to keep me as healthy as possible.
This morning I recieved a comment from TeacherMommy on the previous post. Her suggestion was to kicking the end of term in the bum was to cling to my classes and homework as I have been unable to cling to everything else. She said that some of her worst times were when she had the best grades. I think this is an excellent idea! It will also give me a break from cleaning so dang much! (Speaking of, my room is currently a disaster…)
It’s been a long day and the next few will be even longer, I imagine, but I made it. There is a Superchick song called One More and the lyrics are as follows:
It feels like I have lost this fight
They think that I am staying down
But I’m not giving up tonight
Tonight the wall is coming down
I am stronger than my fears
This is the mountain that I climb
Got 100 steps to go
Tonight I’ll make it 99
Go one more
Don’t stop now
Go one more
Go one more
Go one more
I have everything to lose
By not getting up to fight
I might get used to giving up
So I am showing up tonight
I am my own enemy
The battle fought within my mind
If I can overcome step one
I can face the 99
I think this will be my mantra until after Final Exams are complete. I hope all of you do the same.
The last six days have been some of the most memorable of my life and I can’t wait to do it all again next year!
For those of you who didn’t know or have forgotten, I was on tour with the top choir at my university, the Chorale. We performed for 8 schools and 5 churches, multiple performances at most of those. If we counted correctly, we gave approximately twenty concerts in six days.Here’s the list:
Central Methodist University
Jeff City High School
Smith Cotton High School
Central High School(Springfield)
Willard High School
Branson UMC Worship Services
West Plains UMC
West Plains High School
Rolla High School
Rockbridge High School
Centralia High School
It was long and strenuous and I barely have a voice left, but for the first time in quite a while I felt like I was really a part of a group again. I also felt like I mattered within the group, like the group would be somehow lesser without me. Maybe that’s arrogant, but I’ve been missing that feeling since I graduated high school. And I know that most of the other students would tell you that the worst part of it all was being stuck on a bus with 33 other college students plus our director, but that was the best of it all. We bonded in a way that no one else in the Conservatory has bonded together. The band tours, yes, but that’s a much larger group and, therefore, is unable to form the same kinds of bonds that were formed this last week within the Chorale. Also, I won the Most Ghetto Award and Marshall and I won Best Tour Romance, so that’s pretty awesome too.
As we approach Thanksgiving, just a few hours away, I have many things to be thankful for. I’m thankful to be home with my family, to have had such a wonderful tour experience, to have wonderful friends that have stuck by me through so much, to have a loving Savior that continues to bless my life in new ways, and for you, dear bloggers. Thank you for being there to listen to me, even when I’m feeling low. You really do mean the world to me.
You may have noticed my absence over the weekend. This was due to the overwhelming number of events involved in Homecoming Weekend. I had a terrific time with everyone and was really proud of ΣAI, the choir, the band, and even ΦMA this weekend.
As if our severe lack of sleep wasn’t enough punishment for having such a fabulous time this has been day 1 of Midterm Week. YAY ME!
I’m nervous. This morning we turned in our papers for Exploration of Christian Thought and the Study Guide was uploaded for the Old Testament exam which is to take place on Wednesday. I’m already feeling the heat and it’s only Monday.
Other than posting this update, this evening has been and will continue to be filled with lots of reading and studying. I haven’t even worked on the extra special surprise t-shirts that BloomTalley and I are making. I might, however, do a little coloring when I’m done to cool down the ol’ noggin. I do love a good coloring session.
I’m really hoping this week goes ok, because I think that this next weekend is going to be really good. I will be staying with BigSis and BrownMan! B’s wedding is this weekend and I’m super excited! Mostly I’m just excited to get to hang out and relax with the aforementioned sister and BIL.
I still need to figure out how I’m getting back to Kansas City… I’ll work on that.
Wish me luck this week!