I wish I could schedule panic attacks. They suck. A lot. This post maybe should have been written last Wednesday when the details of the event were still fresh in my mind and I needed an escape route, but every time I thought about the issue that tightness in my chest cavity started again.
This can all be traced back to a conversation had at my birthday party over break. Some friends and I were sitting around at my parents’ house talking and it was mentioned that Dreamer and CrazyGirl(A term of endearment, I assure you) will be graduating from High School on The Hill next year. Logically, it follows that LittleSis will be graduating the year after. Two years until she is done with high school. What does this make me think of? “Holy crap I’m graduating from college in TWO YEARS!!!”
This does not seem like enough time to absorb all the knowledge I need to absorb before I leave this place. It does not seem like enough time to accomplish all that needs to be accomplished. And it certainly does not seem like enough time to earn all the credits that I need in order to graduate. Almost everyone that I’ve talked to about this last point has said the same thing, “So just stick around for a fifth year like I’m going to.” Well, that is great advice except for the fact that I have three years of seminary to go through after I get my B.A., and(more notably) I can barely afford to be here THIS year. Where on Earth would I find the money for a fifth year when I’m currently worrying about paying for a third?
Now onto the actual panicking I want to talk about.
Last Wednesday night, I was attempting to get my schedule arranged, so that when April 4 rolls around, I’m totally ready to go. The problem is this, everything that I need to take ended up stacked on top of each other. My scholarship agreement(which I am INCREDIBLY thankful for) has clear stipulations: that I take part in a large ensemble, audition for and(if accepted) take part in a second, and enroll for applied vocal lessons. This is usually not a huge deal when it comes to scheduling, but the lovely administration has decided that next fall the Philosophy classes should be scheduled during the same time that Conservatory Singers has been scheduled for the last SEVERAL years, if not always, I really don’t know. There are only two classes for Philosophy being offered that I haven’t taken yet and now I can’t take either of them.
But wait, there’s more!
There are also only two Religion classes being offered next semester that I haven’t taken yet. Take a guess at the problem. Right-o! They too are scheduled at the same time as each other. Why are these departments having this problem, you might ask? Oh, the joys of a small university. I’ll tell you the problem. It’s because there is a mandatory RL101 class that EVERYONE must take to graduate. I certainly don’t have a problem with this. As a liberal arts college, especially one sponsored by the Methodist Church, it seems appropriate to expect undergraduates to have a well rounded and basic grasp on world religions and the roles they play in people’s lives. What I do have a problem with is the fact that there are only THREE professors to cover both the Philosophy and the Religion departments and the majority of their time is being used up by these freshmen courses. Yes, Ministry Man is willing and able to teach classes on occasion, as are the professors adjunct, but those are hit and miss situations.
What’s more, because I dropped Astronomy this semester, I am entering my junior year with a General Education science requirement to take care of. Once again I will state that Conservatory Singers has been scheduled for the MWF 2-250pm slot for as long as any of us remember. Why then are all but one of the labs for this required science class scheduled over the top of the choir rehearsal time that I literally am paid to attend?
I played this game for over an hour before I had to get out. My chest felt tight, I wanted to throw something at someone, and I felt like I was suffocating. So I went for a walk. I was out for about an hour I think. There are a few notable things to mention here, A. The Nerdmate was texting me through all of this. He was very supportive and accepting of the fact that his girl friend is crazy. He reminded me that I am capable of this and that dropping out and becoming a hobo was maybe again my better judgment. B. In this situation 6 months ago I would immediately sought escape and comfort in food. I can honestly say that through the attack I’m pretty sure food was the farthest thing from my mind. Instead, I sought refuge in a walk around town, an activity that is both calming and productive. Of course, at the time I wasn’t thinking about this, but the fact is that even though my weight loss journey is far from over, my attitude and behavior toward and about food is changing.
Here is some good news for you, readers.
1)Friday I sat down in my advisor’s office and he helped me lay out a schedule. He reminded me that I am ahead of most of the people in my class as far as credits go and that my grades are better than most. He assured me that I was going to be fine. “You CAN do this, Kay.” Thank you, Dr. J.
2)I hit the 40lb mark on Sunday. Yeah, I am almost half way to my goal weight and I couldn’t be more excited. As often as I find myself thinking that my progress is too slow or that I’m not doing enough, even I must admit that 40lbs is a big deal.
What did I learn? Sometimes we are blinded by the little things that seem so horrible, that we forget about the larger things that are really amazing.
This has been a remarkable weekend. I want to tell you every little detail, friends, but I don’t know what I can and cannot say in this forum.
You see, I spent the day(and the night) at my friend’s house, I can’t think of a good name for him right now, with a small group of friends. The Nerdmate was there. We all had a blast! The Nerdmate and I learned a lot about how we feel about each other and I told him some stuff about myself that is pretty tough. I told him something that is a big deal, it has effected my life more than almost another thing I’ve encountered and ultimately effected the person I am today.
Again, I want to tell you everything, but he and I haven’t talked about this blog yet. I’m not sure he even knows it exists. Either way, he has friends and fraternity brothers that read this blog and I don’t know how he feels about some of this stuff being broadcast to them in this way. Just know, that I am really happy and that he is an even better guy than I had previously thought.
· Helping us to align ourselves with what in on God’s heart, that we should be praying so that our prayer life can be that much more affective.
· Prayer stats
Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name.
· Galatians 4:4-6 – We are God’s children, we can talk to him just as Christ talked to him, because he has adopted us as his children.
· Hallowed= Meaning set apart for special service; takes the form of the Hebrew word, qadesh, which means separated, holy, holiness.#
o We are to remember in our prayers that he is set apart in heaven, because of his holiness.
o We should be hallowing him not just in speech but in oureveryday lives.
Your kingdom come.
· Romans 14:17 –Righteousness=right living; Peace=prosper; Joy=confident expectation
o We’re to pray that He is reigning and ruling completely in our hearts and lives.
Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
· 1 Samuel 15:22—Obedience not sacrifice
· Matthew 18:14—None should be lost.
· Psalm 132:13-14—The church is a resting place for His spirit.
· Luke 22:15—Intimate fellowship with us, His creation.
Give us this day our daily bread.
· Psalm 105:40—God will provide food for our bellies
· Matthew 4:4—God will provide spiritual food.
o We need to be praying that he will not just provide for our physical needs, but for our spiritual needs as well.
And forgive us our debts,
· 1 John 1:9—God forgives our sins when we recognize that we have done wrong in the eyes of our creator and ask for His mercy.
o Hebrews 9:22—Jesus was the only blood sacrifice that was pure even to wash away the sins of the world.
As we also have forgiven our debtors.
· Colossians 3:13—We are to be Christ-like and as such we must forgive, just as we have been forgiven. Our forgiveness for those who do us wrong will be a testimony in the world of the forgiveness that God has bestowed upon those who call him Lord.
And do not bring us into temptation, but rescue us from the evil one.
· Ephesians 6:14-18—If we’re clothing ourselves with the armor God has provided for us to wear, we will be protected. But if we are not doing what God has asked, if we are not taking the initiative and using God as our shield, we are in the danger zone.
For Thine is the kingdom, and the power and the glory forever, Amen.
· Not said by Jesus, added later.
· 2 Timothy 4:18—Possibly where this idea was taken from.
Life around campus(especially within SAI) has been super busy lately! It’s only going to get more hectic from here, so please bear with me. There is snow/rain scheduled for this area tomorrow, so I may have some time for a nice long post, but no guarantees. I promise to update you lovely readers very soon!
Until then, au revior, mes amies!
I’m dealing with everything much better this week, birthday festivities helped with that. I had a really good weekend. There were a few sad moments when I would suddenly be missing Mar, but I know she wouldn’t want me to be sad.
The Bestie and I went to the Flogging Molly concert on Sunday and I can honestly say it was, without a doubt, THE best concert I have ever been to. They performed a little of their older stuff, lots of their current stuff, and even some new stuff from the album, Speed of Darkness, coming out in May. One of the new songs was So Sail On, and Dave(the vocalist and headman of FM) dedicated it to those in the audience that had lost loved ones due to any number of reasons. I know this may sound silly, but it was like Mar was telling me that it was okay to move on and live life as I would if she were still here.
The AMAING Flogging Molly concert was preceded by a really terrific family brunch that my lovely BigSis orchestrated. Really, woman, you are the best. My dad’s side of the family is one of my very favorite groups of people in the world. They are crazy. They are hilarious. They are Irish. Grandma’s birthday is the day after mine and St. Pat’s is the same week, so March is always full of excitement for us. Thus, my BigSis had the brilliant idea to get the clan(almost in it’s entirety) together for brunch. First, I always have a lovely time when I’m with BigSis and BrownMan. The you add a fabulous family birthday celebration in the mix and it was EPIC!
There isn’t much else going on. I’m on Spring Break and trying to take it pretty easy. I babysat Peanut yesterday. That was fun. Today the sun is shining and I’ve got my beloved purple pants on. I’m not kidding, they’re Barney purple. Pretty sweet, no?
I’m going to go enjoy the day now. Laters!
My professors genuinely care that I’m hurting. You can see it on their faces. First there is the look of concern, sometimes this looks a little forced. When I explain why I won’t be in classes Thursday evening or Friday, why I cry at seemingly random moments, their faces change. It’s the pain in their eyes that makes my breath catch every time, because it almost echos the pain in my heart. They hurt because they are unable to make this right, unable to make my pain stop. There are no clear words of wisdom that will make things better, time is the only healer in this horrible situation and it kills them. It’s not just professors, it’s the adults and mentors in our lives that hurt in this way when we are suffering. They see themselves as the people that are supposed to be able to mend our broken hearts, but the truth is they too are human.
Some of my readers seemed shocked by my anger toward God, others know where I’m coming from. They’ve been where I am and know that it will be ok eventually.
For the record, I have not turned my back on Him. I’m just angry. It’s times like this where living in a dorm is really inconvenient, because what I want and need most right now is to just scream. Back in high school, when Annie died, I went for a drive. It was just me and I screamed and ranted and questioned God until I was crying so hard that I had to pull over. That’s when my healing began, because I was able to just get it out. I also felt God’s presence in that moment of weakness. Here, I can’t do that. I have to find other ways to grieve. So far that isn’t going so well.
I will be heading back to The Hill this afternoon after my Chorale audition. All the excitement I was feeling a week ago about Spring Break and my birthday… I can’t seem to muster any of it. All I can think is that leaving for break early means I’m saying goodbye to my friend. I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want her to be gone. And I don’t particularly want to celebrate a birthday that she didn’t live to see. She was supposed to celebrate with me. She was supposed to come visit me when I got home, now I’ll visit her for the last time.
Goodbye, MarMar. You are loved and missed. I can’t wait to see you again someday.
Please buckle up.
Sunday night a beautiful life was lost. Marlena was killed in an automobile accident, I don’t know the details, but I was told she wasn’t wearing her seat belt. I’m grief stricken, but I’m also angry. She was so smart, but usually neglected to wear her seat belt. How many times did each of us see her do this and stayed quiet about it? Probably more than we’re proud to admit now that she’s gone. I’m also angry with God. Logically I find that I have two options: either God is somehow to blame, or He had no power over it. I don’t want to believe either of those and I certainly can’t reconcile them with each other…
She was the kind of girl that everyone loved, but none of us took the time to tell her that enough. She was smart, funny, beautiful, and an absolutely amazing friend. We were friends, although not exceptionally close. We had classes together throughout high school and had several mutual friends. When you come from a town like The Hill, all your friends are pretty close. After graduation, every one went their separate ways, but Mar always made sure to check up on things via Facebook. She read this blog on occasion even. When things started becoming more official between The Nerdmate and I, she was right there wanting to know all the details. She said he was “one smart and lucky fella to have picked a girl like our Kay.”
She would have been so happy to hear how well he took care of me yesterday. When my friend, Stalker(a nickname given in love, I assure you), told me what had happened I couldn’t believe it. I was in the cafeteria for lunch, I cried right then and there. The Nerdmate first comforted me, then brought me back to my room. That’s when the poor guy got the brunt of my grief, but he just sat there quietly, holding me close while my body was wracked with sobs.
Marlena’s visitation is Thursday evening, and her funeral is Friday afternoon. Tomorrow I’ll deal with my professors, but there is no way I’m going to miss being there for her this last time. She always made time for me or anyone else when we needed her. I just wish she had taken the time to put on her seat belt. She would probably be in the hospital, but she’d also probably be alive.
Please buckle up.