I know this is childish, but today I felt like several of my friends were traitors. I know it’s stupid, I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I did.
Today Mizzou hosted a high school marching band competition. A bunch of my friends went to watch, because we’re big nerds and go watch marching band and choir competitions. Here’s the kicker: I wasn’t invited. Not a huge deal, that I can get over, but in case I haven’t mentioned this before, WK attends Mizzou there and is definitely an active member of several ensembles including Marching Mizzou.
I know it doesn’t make sense that it seemed traitorous, but I can’t help what I feel. Right?
I don’t know anymore what I should and should not be feeling. My emotions get all mixed up when things like this happen. The boy meant so much to me. He was the first person I ever really saw myself having a future with, he knew things about me that only people like BigSis and The Bestie know.
And then there are other guys that have caught my attention, but then I feel like by being attracted to them it means I didn’t really love WK. But I did. I don’t know what else you would call it. Anytime we were together it felt like my heart might burst of happiness. When his name would show up on my caller ID, I’d have those pesky butterflies floating around inside my belly. I wanted to be part of his family, and I desperately wanted him to want the same things of mine.
I’m hurt and I’m angry and I’m sad and I don’t know how to handle my emotional spectrum right now. So what did I do today? A little something The Roommate likes to call “Avoidance Behavior.” I locked my dorm room door, put my iPod on the dock and turned up the volume until nothing else existed. I also cleaned like a mad woman. Both beds have new bedding, three loads of laundry were done, and the clean laundry that’s been sitting in baskets since the beginning of the week was folded and put away. My desk was mostly cleaned off. The floor vacuumed and the dishes done. Last night it looked like a tornado had thrown up in this room. Tonight it is almost spotless.
It may not be incredibly healthy, but I feel productive afterward. Works like a charm, every time. It makes me feel like I’m actually doing SOMETHING in my life correctly. It’s a perfectionist tendency, it’s OCD, and right now I don’t really care. I made it through the day and no tears have been shed. That’s something at least.
I don’t really have the energy to write a full-blown blog post right now, but I wanted to give you all a quick update.
I’m doing ok. I honestly am. I haven’t had the big mental/emotional meltdown that everyone thought I was going to have. We’ll just have to see how this weekend goes.
Speaking of this weekend! It’s going to be jam-packed with tons of fun Halloween activities! Tomorrow night, for example, is a super special ΣAI Halloween Membership Recruitment Activity that will immediately follow the Halloween Organ Recital! Yay Central for being awesome!
Anyway… I’ll update either tomorrow night or Saturday with how things are going.
For now, I’m going to resolve the bad day I’ve had by watching the Sound of Music and eating popcorn and Fruit-By-The-Foot(the latter provided by my endearing, and quite lovely, BigSis!
*The name of a very good book that you all should read. Rocky Horror Picture Show is more than mentioned in the story. It’s awesome. Please read it. 😉
So you’re all going to think I’m completely ridiculous and particularly special brand of nerdy, but I’m about to talk about tonight’s Glee episode!
It was The Rocky Horror Glee Show! That’s right, a whole dog-gone episode based on the musical sensation Rocky Horror Picture Show!
It was by far my favorite episode to date.
It made my, thus far, sucky week a little better.
The WhiteKnight is no more. I ended it last night. I just couldn’t handle being halfway in a relationship that was going nowhere. It wasn’t working, it hasn’t been working, and it certainly wasn’t getting fixed.
My dad sent me a text tonight that said this:
“He didn’t seem able to provide the feedback you need in a relationship to maintain healthy communication and when the communication you did have broke down, you both retreated from each other.”
I was kind of surprised that my dad caught that. He says I can thank him for that bad habit of retreating. I suppose that’s how he knows I’m doing it. I also think that maybe why he is trying so hard to keep the lines of communication open between himself and I. We had a nice long conversation last night and I talked to him a couple of times today.
Someone who has surprised me today is WK’s dad, Mr. P. He called just to check on how I was doing today in spite of everything that has happened in the last day and a half. He’s a really great guy, a terrific dad, and he has become one of the people that is really really trying to get my mind back to a healthy place. I appreciate that a lot.
Today’s insight is this:
“Live from your heart, it will never steer you wrong.”
The problem is learning to really listen to your heart. Sometimes your brain gets in the way. I’m working on it still.
I’ve been working on this all semester. I think it may finally be finished. I don’t usually post my poetry on my blog, but I know that the reason I’ve been re-living the events of my past is because this semester I’ve been as close as I’ve ever been to being back to that state of complete hopelessness. I haven’t been able to finish it until recently, because only recently did the hope begin to return. Feel free to critique just as you would anyone else’s art. Thank you.
A frozen wasteland lies before me.
I stand in a cold doorway.
Snow falls softly.
The wind is playful,
Causing archs and twirls.
The wintry nigth calls my name.
I answer as I step over the threshold.
The door behind me closes softly,
Gently pushing me onward.
The ground is crunchy, hard.
Ice lays beneath the fluff.
I stumble, I fall.
My gloveless hands go numb.
The world is silent
Except for my pounding heart
And quiet footsteps.
I pause to consider
The poetic beauty of this sight,
How the weather echos
The state of my heart.
A small hand takes hold of mine.
A soft voice asks where I’m going.
A tear streaks my cheek.
My arms find his.
He asks me to stay;
He’s already lost one sister,
His world has already fallen apart.
He is too young to suffer such grief,
So I will try to carry his burden
For as long as my soul can bear it.
His small body is shaking,
His lips are turning blue.
I lift my baby brother
And carry him back to bed.
This is not the night
To throw away his love.
*Under the blue sky. I can’t wait forever, for the years are running out.**
**I almost sang a song with these words for my voice lessons, but decided against it so as not to cry in front of anyone.
I have pretty much given up on the male population(other than men who are there for me as fatherly figures). I’ve given up waiting for WK to pursue me, and I’ve given up trying to be friends. At this point our relationship has gone from stale(probably because we were both very busy) to non-existent. We aren’t even really friends now, when we do talk is on IM and conversations consist of a few lines and are super polite. I know that he is under a lot of stress right now, but how can I support him if he doesn’t tell me what’s going on? I just don’t know what to do. How can we be on “a break” if there is no communication what-so-ever?
I’ve given up on trying to get by on personality. Readers, if you weren’t aware, I have some major self-image issues. I know that this is my problem to deal with, but here’s the catch, it does me no good for me to be ok with how I look if other people aren’t also. Some of the things that WK has said and done have made me feel like I’m not good enough on a physical level. I’m sure he didn’t mean to make me feel that way, but it had a significant impact on me. I want to be loved for more than just my brain. I want all of me to be loved and I have realized that I have to change before that can happen.
I was at Wally World last night with several friends of mine and we were perusing the poster selections. One of the guys said, in reference to the Taylor Lautner poster, “So if I had a body like that, you’d be all over me?” I responded, “If I had a body like Megan Fox, you’d be all over me.” I received an emphatic yes.
All three of my siblings are beautiful people. My sisters are both gorgeous, curves in all the right places without excess. When my brother gets older, he’s going to be a total knock-out. He’s 9 and already a heart breaker. I’m the fat child. I have always been the fat child. And unless I drastically change something, I will always be the fat child.
The problem lies in me. The good news is that so does the solution. Somewhere.
*The inspirational message on the inside of my Dove Dark Chocolate.
And because of that little message, I now have to tell you all, my faithful followers(or random people who found this blog by accident), why it is important.
First, I’d like to tell you all that Aunt Cindy went home yesterday. She is healing at a remarkable rate! The only issue is that she is really having to fight the urge to smoke a cigarette.
Now for my rant. Be prepared. <– Yes, I have been watching The Lion King. What’s it to you?
When someone calls and says they need someone to talk to, especially when this someone is choked up because she is distraught, do not tell her to calm down and get some sleep. That is not, I repeat IS NOT, what she wants or needs to hear.
When she says things like, “I kept thinking: What if it were you,” you should respond with, “Nothing is going to happen to me, I’m the picture of health.” Or something along those lines.
The point is that you should TRY to comfort this someone, because that’s what FRIENDS do for each other. You should not make attempts to get off the phone as quickly as possible.
Certain individuals have a lot to learn about being there for people. I for one, deserve better friends than that. Especially at this time in my life. I need people who will help hold me up, be there for me, and talk me through my fear and pain.
That is all.
Yesterday was quite eventful. I went and saw Dr. G. We talked about what’s been going on with my mood swings and what we think the cause is. She made several suggestions about what the cause might be and I told her I didn’t think anyone think could be blamed. I almost thought she was going to tell me to not return to Fayette. There are a lot of contributing factors to this illness, yes, we can officially call it that. I’ve been put on birth control to help regulate my hormones. I had lab work done yesterday to see if anything was amiss, I won’t know for a couple of days probably. Dr. G also wants me to see a psychiatrist and be put on anti-depressants.
This scares me. More than I can vocalize and I can’t explain why. There is a fear of becoming a zombie, which the Bestie promptly attempted to dispel. I fear that this will get worse until I am nothing but the depression. I fear a lot of things. For a very long time fear has ruled the majority of my actions in life. I have decided that it isn’t going to any longer, unless I am cripplingly scared, fear will not stop me.
If I sometimes don’t seem like myself, or if I do things out of the ordinary for me, please bear with me. I’m fighting an uphill battle.
In other very good news: I saw Aunt Cindy yesterday! She was really looking more herself. She has retained good color in her face, no more of the scary waxy look. She was talking and laughing with us the whole time. She is recovering at an incredible rate and rumor has it that she could be released in the next few days. You can tell she is unhappy about being in a hospital, but that’s Aunt Cindy for you. I think she is also very upset about missing B’s wedding. I hope we can find a way to make it up to her.
Thank you for all the prayers and good thoughts on behalf of my aunt. You guys are awesome.