That’s how I feel. Mostly.
The events of the last few days have been… exciting. And not in a good way.
Shortly after my last post, and I mean within a few minutes, the WhiteKnight let me know that he was in the ER for what was either a flu bug that didn’t make him throw up, or appendicitis. (For those of you who don’t know, WK and are now on speaking terms again as good friends) It was the latter and they were going to take his appendix that night. When I talked to Mr. P. I asked if WK needed someone to sit with him at the hospital. I quickly amended my question to the more appropriate, “Do YOU need someone to sit with him at the hospital?” To which he firmly replied, “Yes.” So I went. And my lovely roommate went with.
Yesterday WK was released, he was up and moving(albeit slowly), and he had eaten solid food. Needless to say, after a much needed night of sleep, I woke up today feeling calm.
There’s another piece to my calm. I blogged on Wednesday about my unstable financial situation and the need to figure out the funding of this semester. Well, my wonderful friends are just that, wonderful. In the last 24 hours, I have received $155 in gifts from friends to put toward my education. It’s not a lot, no, but it’s a fantastic start and more than I could have asked for. There really are angels in my life, truly wonderful people looking out for me and helping me fulfill my calling. Thank you.
Last night, Mr. P. took me to see A Spectacular Christmas as the Off Center Theatre at Crown Center. It was a really great show, one that was a reminder that Christmas is not about what you can get, but what you can give. The spirit is in the little things. “Buy someone $0.19 of Christmas, you’ll never know what it will mean to them.” -George Harter, writer, executive director and actor in last nights performance.
I got a little teary during the show, Christmas tends to do that to me. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve messed up, God gave me the perfect gift in His son, the very reason for the season. Christmas is a reminder that no matter what I’m worth down here, no matter what people do or don’t think of me here, I’m worth everything to my creator. Some years that message is harder to hear than others, but already this Christmas I’ve seen the blessings in my life.
Mr. P. last night gifted me with an illustrated copy of A Christmas Carol with narration CD by Nathan Granner. Such a simple gift, but it meant so much. Me, the girl that is currently in relationship limbo with his son, the girl that thought he didn’t like her for what felt like forever, the girl that he has no ties to other than through WhiteKnight, that girl means something to him. I can’t say I understand, I just know that having Mr. P. in my life as friend and mentor has really been a blessing.
All of this reminds me of a conversation my friend, PenPal, and I have been having. Our friendship started sometime last year when I was given a mission via MysteryGoogle to email this young man to cheer him up. You see, PenPal has been very sick for quite some time and sometimes he gets a little down. We talk about all manner of things. Recently conversation has turned to the subject of love and things like marriage(he and his girl just got engaged). He said this: “The little stuff means more. The real love is in the little things. Isn’t it amazing how God is in the details of our lives?”
And I have to agree. Love is in the details. Show someone this Christmas that you are loving them in the details.
Title adopted from the Flogging Molly song What’s Left Of The Flag
That’s right! Flogging Molly is once again going to be in KC to celebrate the St. Patrick spirit with all of us Kansas City Irishfolk! Dropkick Murphys will also be in town and I’d REALLY like to see them, but their concert is a Wednesday and I’m not sure if I can pull that. It would really be a dream to see them both live so close together.
In other news:
I finished ANOTHER PAPER! Yay! If you’ve been following along, that means I only have ONE MORE to write this semester! Of course, the last one is the Epistemology paper, so it’s going to be the most difficult… Oh well, I’m determined to be successful! I can and WILL do it.
Speaking of Epistemology, I took my final today. Yes, it’s a week early, but Dr. C. will be in a plane over the Atlantic on his way to Jerusalem during our scheduled final period, so that wouldn’t have worked out well. I don’t mind. I don’t think I wouldn’t have bee anymore prepared for the exam had we waited the extra week. I felt pretty good about the exam when I was finished. I’m notorious for screwing up his “Multiple Multiple Choice” questions, though. Hopefully, like on the last exam, my overwhelming success on the essays and short answer will make my epic failure on the multiple choice a mute point.
I’m still waiting for Dr. J. to grade my Old Testament papers and input my grade for that class. The website says I’m currently sitting at a 62% which is
FREAKING ME OUT not bothering me much. I really enjoy the class, I love listening to the lectures, I just really dislike the essays. That’s unusual for me, I’m usually pretty B.A. at essays. I have absolutely no idea what my grade in that class will be.
As you can see, my grades and everything that goes along with that train of thought are all that is occupying my pretty little brain. Which is pretty awesome, because it means I’m not obsessing about the What Might Be in the WhiteKnight situation. Mr. P. was here for my Christmas Concert on Sunday and he was such a source of encouragement. Neighbor #1 and I were talking last night and her statement was this: “It’s really good that you’re not losing your mind over this. You’ve got too much going on this week to be worried about WK. But I promise, no matter what happens, you’ll be happy.”
I can’t imagine being happy if WK and I don’t end up together, but I also know that that is incredibly melodramatic. I am confident, however, that no matter what, I will be satisfied with myself, because I did all I could. I made some mistakes this semester, I’ve admitted those to him, and now I want to fix it.
I feel like I’m finally proving to myself what kind of mettle I’m really made of. Go me!
Now, I’m not a big Mizzou fan, I’m not necessarily in opposition to their victory either. I am a tried and true K-State/ Notre Dame fan. However, my loyalties are shifting. WhiteKnight is in the Marching Mizzou band. His Dad, Mr. P. is a die-hard supporter and between the two of them I’m being turned.
Yes, the WhiteKnight and I are talking again as friends. It’s hard, but I’m surviving. When Mr. P. invited me to the Pep Rally in downtown KC, I tried to curbed my excitement as much as possible. I also tried my very hardest not to hold any expectations. Before leaving for Chorale Tour, I had told WK that I was willing to work things out when and if he was ever ready for that. He never responded to that message even though we had been messaging back and forth previous to that declaration.
So I asked permission to use the car to attend this rally and I was met with a little opposition. Mostly, they didn’t want me going alone and not for the reasons you’d expect. My dad wasn’t worried about me being able to handle myself in downtown KC and he knew that I would be able to hold myself together in public no matter what happened. He was, however, afraid of what might happen once I was left alone in the car with just my thoughts and the events of the evening.
I know most of my friends aren’t exactly thrilled that I’m still hung up on WK, they want me to just move on, because they think that’s what he’s done. They think he’s been giving me signs that he is over me. Maybe I’m naive and impossibly hopeful, but that’s not what I see. I see a young man that had is heart broken just as badly as I did. I look back on the semester and realize that this sickness, this depression, that has been trying to run my life was like a poison in our relationship. The problem is, neither of us was prepared to fight it, especially because he didn’t even know what was going on with me. I didn’t let him see how broken I was, I wanted to be strong enough to carry both of us. I failed.
The Bestie keeps yelling at me for saying things like “I need to win him back.” I don’t think she sees how much damage I did to the relationship, because I didn’t see it until recently and even then wasn’t admitting it to anyone. This is my confession.
So my dad went with me last night. WK didn’t look look at me, didn’t touch me, and certainly didn’t speak to me. And I was too terrified to bridge the gap the gap either. After the rally we went to Winstead’s the majority of our time there was awkward and heart wrenching on my part. WK sat at a separate booth with some of his band friends while I sat with Mr. P. and my dad. I don’t know if Mr. P. recognized the look on my face, but it was the look of a girl trying not to break down right then and there.
Finally, the three of us stood to leave. WK and his friends were going to stay a bit longer before they headed back to their respective lodgings. They the big game to prepare for. I finally took a leap of faith. I tugged ever so slightly on WK’s sleeve and asked if I could talk to him. I thank the Lord that he obliged. He said he wasn’t upset with me, he just didn’t feel like he was given fair warning that I would be there. I guess he wasn’t as ready to see me as I was to see him. I compare how he looked last night upon seeing me to how he looked the first time we met. He went from looking like an excited puppy to a kicked dog. I will never forgive myself for being the one responsible for that.
I asked him to hug me and he did. We are at least friends for now. I will not give up on him, never again. I’m going to call him and tell him everything. I don’t know how much he wants or think he needs to hear, but I need to tell it. All of it. How I was sick and how that sickness turned my already present self issues into a mess larger than I could handle. I pushed him away because I feared I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t strong enough for him. I made a big mess of things and now I need to clean them up.
No matter how things turn out, I’m determined to make it through the storm.
Mr. P. said something last night that healed me a little. He said, “You’re here because of me. You’re not here because of him. You’re important, you matter to me.”
The last six days have been some of the most memorable of my life and I can’t wait to do it all again next year!
For those of you who didn’t know or have forgotten, I was on tour with the top choir at my university, the Chorale. We performed for 8 schools and 5 churches, multiple performances at most of those. If we counted correctly, we gave approximately twenty concerts in six days.Here’s the list:
Central Methodist University
Jeff City High School
Smith Cotton High School
Central High School(Springfield)
Willard High School
Branson UMC Worship Services
West Plains UMC
West Plains High School
Rolla High School
Rockbridge High School
Centralia High School
It was long and strenuous and I barely have a voice left, but for the first time in quite a while I felt like I was really a part of a group again. I also felt like I mattered within the group, like the group would be somehow lesser without me. Maybe that’s arrogant, but I’ve been missing that feeling since I graduated high school. And I know that most of the other students would tell you that the worst part of it all was being stuck on a bus with 33 other college students plus our director, but that was the best of it all. We bonded in a way that no one else in the Conservatory has bonded together. The band tours, yes, but that’s a much larger group and, therefore, is unable to form the same kinds of bonds that were formed this last week within the Chorale. Also, I won the Most Ghetto Award and Marshall and I won Best Tour Romance, so that’s pretty awesome too.
As we approach Thanksgiving, just a few hours away, I have many things to be thankful for. I’m thankful to be home with my family, to have had such a wonderful tour experience, to have wonderful friends that have stuck by me through so much, to have a loving Savior that continues to bless my life in new ways, and for you, dear bloggers. Thank you for being there to listen to me, even when I’m feeling low. You really do mean the world to me.
*The name of a very good book that you all should read. Rocky Horror Picture Show is more than mentioned in the story. It’s awesome. Please read it. 😉
So you’re all going to think I’m completely ridiculous and particularly special brand of nerdy, but I’m about to talk about tonight’s Glee episode!
It was The Rocky Horror Glee Show! That’s right, a whole dog-gone episode based on the musical sensation Rocky Horror Picture Show!
It was by far my favorite episode to date.
It made my, thus far, sucky week a little better.
The WhiteKnight is no more. I ended it last night. I just couldn’t handle being halfway in a relationship that was going nowhere. It wasn’t working, it hasn’t been working, and it certainly wasn’t getting fixed.
My dad sent me a text tonight that said this:
“He didn’t seem able to provide the feedback you need in a relationship to maintain healthy communication and when the communication you did have broke down, you both retreated from each other.”
I was kind of surprised that my dad caught that. He says I can thank him for that bad habit of retreating. I suppose that’s how he knows I’m doing it. I also think that maybe why he is trying so hard to keep the lines of communication open between himself and I. We had a nice long conversation last night and I talked to him a couple of times today.
Someone who has surprised me today is WK’s dad, Mr. P. He called just to check on how I was doing today in spite of everything that has happened in the last day and a half. He’s a really great guy, a terrific dad, and he has become one of the people that is really really trying to get my mind back to a healthy place. I appreciate that a lot.
Today’s insight is this:
“Live from your heart, it will never steer you wrong.”
The problem is learning to really listen to your heart. Sometimes your brain gets in the way. I’m working on it still.