This Is A Hot Mess
The Nerdmate and I are fighting. Or, we had a fight and now there’s this weird not speaking to each other dance happening. I don’t like it. There’s a lot of internal struggling happening on both sides.
I’m probably not the kind of girl that comes off as the cut and run type, but I totally am. Commitment scares me. Rejection scares me. Getting attached and having my heart trampled on terrifies me. When the seas get rough, I take my boat in. My walls go up and I do whatever it takes to keep myself safe. That usually means a I cut and run. I take off. I leave. Not physically, but emotionally. That’s how all of my relationships have ended.
And then I do something rash and compulsive, usually to my hair. After every break-up or nasty fight, I’ve dyed and/or cut my hair. After the catastrophe of a fight with the WhiteKnight, I almost went out and got a tattoo or a piercing, some kind of body mod. I didn’t, just in case you were curious. But that was when I stripped the red from my hair, because red was HIS color. Brown was the PensylvanianLover’s color, etc.
This time it’s different. I can’t cut and run. This is the first time that I’ve gone to the same school as the guy I was with, yet alone lived in the same town. And this isn’t just the same town, The Nerdmate lives in the dorm directly above mine. Everytime he moves, everytime he has someone over, I can hear him. So even if I WAS going to run, I couldn’t. Also, I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I walk away, I’m walking away from the man that could be my soul mate.
How do you know if someone if your soul mate? How do you know if this is the person you were made for? I don’t know. And that scares me. And it ticks me off. I’ve worked past the tears. I won’t shed tears ’til I know it’s over. I can’t. But I. Am. Mad. We are supposed to be a team. We are supposed to be there for each other. We cannot aford to shut down the lines of communication if we’re going to make it through this. I love him and I know he loves me, but I don’t see that he wants to be with me. And I’m not going to waste my time following him around until he makes his decision. I’ve been there and I will never go back.
He needs space, so I’m giving him space. Honeslty, I need some space of my own. He’s going to make whatever decision he’s going to make without my influence and anyone who knows him knows that’s true. That’s how he works. So what am I doing to keep myself busy? Everything I can. I had girl time with The Roommate and Rose. It was really helpful. The Roommate and I are driving down to MMEA to watch the band perform! Yay! It’s a huge honor. And then we’ll participate in the StepSings of Sigma Alpha Iota and Phi Mu Alpha. And tomorrow night I’m having a movie/game night with my New Best Friend. Don’t worry, Bestie, you’re still my Bestie. 🙂 My New Best Friend and I have just needed each other to talk things out, our friendship is growing everyday.
I will be ok. I will survive and I hope that I come out on the other side with the Nerdmate by my side once more.