I’m having trouble coming up with a decent post. There’s a lot going on right now, but I just can’t seem to make sense of it all.
I got a job today! I can tell you that. I’m now a sales representative for Vector Marketing which is connected with Cutco Cutlery. It’s not a glamorous job, but a broke college girl’s gotta do what a broke college girl’s gotta do. No one wants to hire someone who’s only here on break. This job will allowing me to make a little money over the course of the next week and a half and will guarantee a summer position. I figure something is better than nothing. And because I make my own appointments, this summer I can hold a second job as well.
L.A. and I haven’t spoken much since Christmas. I’m trying not to be concerned. A couple of days ago I asked if he was upset with me and he said I’ve been asking that a lot lately. I’m trying to avoid asking again. I’m pretty sure we’re still cool, he’s just been busy with other things. He told me yesterday that he’s made a new friend that he’s been hanging out with a lot. Again, I’m trying not to be too concerned. I’m happy for him, because he needs to be making friends out there, I just hope this isn’t more than a friendship. If it is, he’ll tell me and we’ll move on, right? That sounds simple enough.
Today I also had a voice lesson with this really awesome guy, Ben! Mr. P. introduced us and I’m so very thankful. It was a brilliant opportunity. Ben has amazing talent and is really a wonderful coach. I hope that maybe in the future(maybe with money made from my new job!) I can have more time to work with him. I feel like I learned so much just from my hour(ish) lesson. He helped me understand some new things technique-wise and introduced me to a new piece which I just love, I Will Be Loved Tonight. Mostly, I just plain had fun and I came out of the lesson actually feeling like I do have some talent. I think when I’m at school I jsut get so bogged down under the pressure of it all that I forget to have fun, I forget that I sing because I love it, not because of some scholarship. Yes, getting paid is a perk, but it’s not worth it if I don’t remember to enjoy the art.
I appologize that this post is a little ADD and that nothing terribly interesting was discussed. I just felt like I was neglecting you all. Hopefully I’ll come up with something truly fascinating to talk about soon. Here’s hoping.
Happy Christmas to you all! I hope it was warm and festive for all of you, dear friends. I hope that you, like myself, enjoyed the terrific company of your families(both those by relation and “extension”).
I really did have a fantastic Christmas. I don’t know if it’s because of everything I’ve dealt with this semester or if I’ve changed somehow in the last year or some other cause, but this holiday I have felt so much love and I feel like I’ve been more appreciative of everything I’ve been given.
I don’t have much to write about. I don’t want to bore you all with a list of all the wonderful things that I’ve experienced in the last week. I do want to express my complete gratitude for the respectful and insightful conversation brought about by my last post. I know that sex is heavy topic. Even people who are casual about talking and acting out their views on the subject, often have a difficult time discussing what it means to them and why they behave the way the do. Thank you to all who shared.
Also, and this is big, we’ve had several first time commenters in the last week and I want to tell you all how much that means to me. First, you’re taking a moment to get to know me a little better when you read one of my posts and by commenting you’re going that extra mile to let me know you care. I truly consider you, by blog family, friends that I can count on. Thank you for that.
And now I need to update you. WK called. We’re not getting back together. He said the reason he hadn’t called was because all the words he could think of to say what he was thinking and feeling wouldn’t have been the words of a friend. He does want us to be friends, but he doesn’t think we can be more than that. Surprisingly, I’m doing really well with that. I think maybe, in some ways, I was prepared for that outcome. I am at peace with it. If WK and I are meant to be, we will be in the end.
In the meantime, L.A. has thrown me for a loop. He and I have a history. As I’ve said before, we’ve been friends for quite some time, but only in the last several months have we really gotten close. I talk to him every day and I count him as my best friend other than the Bestie(obviously). The thing about L.A. is that I’ve had feelings for him for almost the entirety of our friendship. He is well aware of that, because we have discussed it and the possibility of him having feelings on several occasions. The end result was always clear, he liked me as a person and a friend, but nothing more was going to come of it. Now he’s gone and told me that he wasn’t 100% honest with me about that. What I can’t figure is the extent or context of these feelings. Sometimes it feels like he would like to be more than friends, and others I get the distinct “best friend but never girlfriend” vibe. I don’t really know what to do with the situation and I don’t think he does either, so we’re currently just not. “It’ll be the same. Only now you know.” Right. But I’m still confused. Lol.
I know he’ll read this in the next few days(he always does) and figure that he’ll have to try and explain all over again. Fear not, L.A. I’m willing to just ride the waves and see what happens. You’re my best friend and I love it that way. If you decide you want to be more than friends, even if you don’t, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Currently, my plan is to just take it one day at a time. This is new for me. And a little scary. But I’m not as scared as I thought I’d be. I trust you. And with all we’ve been through, all the fights and frustration that we have in our past, I know we, as friends, can make it through anything. Together. And if that was too sappy for you, just think of it as payback for your mushy best friend talk the last few days. :-p
Ok! So, no one said ANYTHING regarding whether they would be uncomfortable reading a post about my thoughts on sex or not; therefore, up it goes. This post has been sitting in my drafts folder for about two weeks now and I think it’s time that it saw some actual screen time. Please feel free to comment and discuss, but please be polite. I want to hear your opinions, but don’t bash mine or anyone else’s. Thank you.
Sex is the most perfect of unions. Woman was created from man by God. God thus created a single act to bring man and woman back into perfect harmony. That act is sex. It is a time of perfect togetherness. You cannot be closer to a person than during sex. That precious gift should not be squandered and it should only be shared with the person that you love absolutely. You should know a persons mind, be in love with their mind, before you know their body, because during the act of sex you cannot hide. You are absolutely and perfectly you and the other person is absolutely and perfectly that person and you share those true selves with each other.
Here’s the reason I’m waiting until marriage: I want to be able to give myself to my husband in a way that I have never given myself to another person. I want it to be something that only he and I share. And likewise, I would love for him to have waited to give himself to me. If, in the end, that doesn’t end up being the case, I will survive and it doesn’t mean I will love him any less, but I can do my part by saving myself.
It doesn’t offend me that many, if not most, of my friends have premarital sex, it doesn’t even offend me when they have casual sex. I believe what I believe about sex and that doesn’t effect what anyone else thinks. and vice verse. What does offend me is when people mock my lifestyle. The very people who get upset when “bible thumpers” tell them that they are sinning for their sexual activities should be more considerate than to get in my business and call me a “prude.” I’m not a prude. I am simply respectful of such an amazing event.
The act of sex is sacred to me. It is an incredibly beautiful thing, even if the logistics of it kind of freak me out. I should not be judged for wanting to only share in that kind of union with a single individual after we have been married. I’m not afraid of sex and I don’t want to forbid myself from enjoying it. Sometimes it is hard to do the waiting. Sometimes I question myself. Then I remember that somewhere out there is a man that was designed just for me, to be my friend and lover. That’s when I remember why I wait, so that on my wedding night I can experience perfect bliss with my one and only true love.
Tomorrow is the first day of a very long and at times difficult process: losing weight. I’m not one who likes to talk about her weight or her health(although, other than being overweight, I’m fairly healthy). I just don’t think it’s kosher, but tomorrow starts the journey towards the rest of my life. I think that if I start being a little more open about these things, maybe over time they’ll be less scary. Also, as I lose weight, that will become a less touchy subject.
I’ll be on a strict 900 calorie diet.
This first week I will be making accommodations for the holiday, so I will be eating 700 calories(approx.) of the food provided by my nutritionist and one meal of regular food. This one meal can consist of 2 portions of lean meat and 2 portions of vegetables from a list of suggested veggies.
After Christmas, I will only be eating food provided by my nutritionist:
Proti Max Vanilla Drink- 100cal
Cappuccino Mix- 80cal
Decaf Iced Tea with Lemon- 20cal
Sour Cream & Onion Soy Snacks-120cal
Chicken Noodle Soup(x2)- 90cal
BBQ Soy Snacks- 120cal
Soy Nuts- 180cal
Strawberry Creme Smoothie- 100cal
and 64+ ounces of water a day(which means I’ll be peeing all the time)
I will have 6 meals a day. Breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, and an evening snack. The idea is that by eating few calories at more points throughout the day, I will speed up my metabolism.
Second, Vitamins and other medicaitons:
Metabolism Essentials Multivitamin- 3 twice daily
Cal-6+Mag. -1 twice daily
Salt Tabs- 3616mg
St. John’s Wort- 600mg
Ultra Green Tea- 800mg
Ultra Omega-3 – 4 once daily
Vitamin D-3 -6000 IU
Chromium- 3 once daily
These dosages are spread out throughout my day so as not to throw my system into shock and to be the most efficient.
And Third, Exercise:
20-35 minutes 4-5 times a week of aerobic exercise(walking, jogging, biking, etc)
10 or more minutes 2 times a week of strength training(weight lifting, Pilates, stretch bands, etc)
And 5,000+ steps a day
All to be recorded in my Weight Loss Journal. It’s going to be a struggle, but I know I can do it. This may not be what you want to read about, but it’s going to be affecting my life a lot in the next several months, so there will probably be plenty about it in this blog. Please bear with me. All I ask is for a little support and encouragement. I’m going to need it.
Starting weight: 292lbs.
Yes, there was a big cringe there.
Last night, Mr. P. took me to see A Spectacular Christmas as the Off Center Theatre at Crown Center. It was a really great show, one that was a reminder that Christmas is not about what you can get, but what you can give. The spirit is in the little things. “Buy someone $0.19 of Christmas, you’ll never know what it will mean to them.” -George Harter, writer, executive director and actor in last nights performance.
I got a little teary during the show, Christmas tends to do that to me. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve messed up, God gave me the perfect gift in His son, the very reason for the season. Christmas is a reminder that no matter what I’m worth down here, no matter what people do or don’t think of me here, I’m worth everything to my creator. Some years that message is harder to hear than others, but already this Christmas I’ve seen the blessings in my life.
Mr. P. last night gifted me with an illustrated copy of A Christmas Carol with narration CD by Nathan Granner. Such a simple gift, but it meant so much. Me, the girl that is currently in relationship limbo with his son, the girl that thought he didn’t like her for what felt like forever, the girl that he has no ties to other than through WhiteKnight, that girl means something to him. I can’t say I understand, I just know that having Mr. P. in my life as friend and mentor has really been a blessing.
All of this reminds me of a conversation my friend, PenPal, and I have been having. Our friendship started sometime last year when I was given a mission via MysteryGoogle to email this young man to cheer him up. You see, PenPal has been very sick for quite some time and sometimes he gets a little down. We talk about all manner of things. Recently conversation has turned to the subject of love and things like marriage(he and his girl just got engaged). He said this: “The little stuff means more. The real love is in the little things. Isn’t it amazing how God is in the details of our lives?”
And I have to agree. Love is in the details. Show someone this Christmas that you are loving them in the details.
Unless I hear big objections by next Monday, the “My Thoughts On Sex” post is going up. This is your fair warning.
I get more anxious by the minute. I’m so ready to home that I cannot even articulate it. I want to know what I made on my paper. I want to know if I’ve managed to squeeze and A out of my Old Testament final. I want to know if the new diet plan is going to work well. And mostly, I want to know what is going to happen with WhiteKnight.
Yesterday I had my vocal jury and it was…. less than terrific. In fact, it was pretty bad. I’m still sick and I got really nervous. Being nervous is pretty usual for me when it comes to performing, but this was different. It was like my body just would not respond to my directions. It was my last chance this semester to prove that I deserve to be in chorale and I blew it.
I was really distraught. I do not want Chorale to become like HIllside was in high school. I don’t want to spend the next 2.5 years wishing I was better, wishing I was more than what I am. My friend, let’s call him L.A., said some truly profound things in an attempt to cheer me up. He said that I need to stop obsessing about all of this, I need to “feel that I’m great in my own right, not by someone else’s standard.” So I asked him if it made me a bad person to need validation from others and he told me that no, it does not. I just can’t let it consume me. He then Proceeded to call me, while I was in the dining hall, to sing I Am The Greatest by Kenny Rogers. It was really awesome and he sounded pretty good to boot. Mostly, it showed how much he cares. We were good friends in high school, but both of us were scared of getting too close to the other, so we were always a little distant. Since he moved to L.A., we’ve gotten really close. We can tell each other things that we are afraid to tell any one else. I’m pretty sure he reads my blog religiously, because he also texts me after I’ve posted something that upsets me or makes me really happy. He’s one of my best friends, we made it official just a few weeks ago. Haha!
And then the best part of my day happened. My friend, we’ll call her RoseBud(I’m helping her start a blog tonight!), and FrenchHornGuy, and I were in RoseBud’s room watching Scott Pilgrim vs. The World(I highly recommend this movie to all of you) when we here a very loud knock on the door. When we open said door, there is a young man laying on the ground that has been duct taped into his mattress and left there. His friends were kind enough to put him baseball helmet on beforehand. We rescued him, which ended up being a really good thing, because apparently he had made his way down the hall and no one had been willing to help him yet. It was awful and really funny at the same time. If he had been seriously hurt or upset, it wouldn’t have been funny, but he was a freshmen living with a bunch of upperclassmen and I think he knew this was bound to happen. It definitely made me feel like my problems were far, far away.
Now I need to get back to studying. I’m really hoping for a straight A semester and I’m really quite close. I hope that all of you are having a good holiday season thus far. Stay safe, stay warm, and stay happy.
*A fabulous movie that I watched as a reward for finishing my Epistemology paper!
That’s right, friends! I finished it! I knew, I just knew, that as soon as inspiration hit, I would be able to knock that paper out of the water! The problem is that Lady Inspiration doesn’t always like to show up when you want her to. Which is why my paper waited until today. The plan had been to get it done to get it done Saturday during my free day. I did get the movie, The Matrix, watched, so technically I did start yesterday, I just didn’t get anything written until today. Anyway, once the movie had simmered in my mind for several hours, I was able to write all five pages in about two and a half hours. Honestly, it came pretty easy after I really got started.
This means that I have one vocab assignment, one jury, and one final left until I get to go home! Vocab is due tomorrow and my jury is tomorrow evening, so basically I’ll be just hanging out until my Old Testament final on Wednesday morning. I tried to talk Dr. J. into letting me take it early, but he wouldn’t concede. I guess it’s no big. At least this way I have no excuse for not being packed when Mom gets here on Wednesday.
There really isn’t any big news here. Just the typical end of term run down. I’m trying not to be too anxious about it all. Being done with this paper will help seeing as it is worth a quarter of my grade. Geeze, I hope I did well. I haven’t turned it in yet, because I want it to be perfect. I’m having a friend of mine read it. He’s real big into philosophy and other nerdy things, so hopefully he can help me a little. I’m right at a 90.0% and I’d really like to keep the A. I’ll be happy with a B, but am really hoping for better.
I’m thinking about doing a guest post on The Bestie’s page. I’ve got a pretty heavy topic in mind and I’m not sure how comfortable some of my readers would be with reading it. You see, she wrote a post about her views on sex a few days ago and it got me thinking, maybe I should get my views out there. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing I have to say that any of you would disapprove of, it’s just that I’m not sure all of you would be comfortable with me talking about sex. Maybe I’ll post a link or something so that you can read it if you want, but don’t feel obligated. Let me know what you think.