The life of a not so average girl doing not so average things.

Archive for December, 2012

Just A Short Post…

…To say that I did nothing wrong. This is my blog. This is my site. Everyone who has EVER read it, which did not include you until AFTER you broke my heart, knows that I use this as a way of expressing how I’m feeling and what I’m dealing with, because I am uncomfortable doing that in “real life” most of the time.

Also, I told the truth. And you know it. THAT’S what really bothers you. You don’t want people to know how you really are. Well guess what, Richard!

I. Do. Not. Care. What. You. Want.

I will be running my own life from here on out. You no longer have control over me.

And I think that might scare you.

After you text me last night, I was initially upset. Very upset. And afraid that I really had unnecessarily sullied your reputation.

But I talked to my counselor. And my friend. And my dad. And they all agree that this is MY space and I did nothing wrong by writing the truth about what happened. Yes, I called it emotional abuse. That’s because that’s what it was. That’s what it is. If you don’t like thinking about yourself in that light, or don’t want other people to think of you in that light, I suggest your best route is to change the way you treat people.

Do not read my blog. Do not contact me again. We are done. You are permanently out of my life, because YOU are the venomous one. Not I, sir.

Really needed to get that off my chest. Thank you for baring with me. I love you all, dear readers. Thank you for standing by me in my time of need.

-Kay


Emotionally Unavailable

Things are bad around here again.

I received a visit from a friend on Sunday right before finals. She said that she and the Nerdmate had been seeing each other, but had been keeping it a secret until she talked to me.

I was devastated as it was by this news, but even more so by the conversation that followed between the Nerdmate and I. He is no longer deserving of the title and I am therefore revoking it. What’d I’d like to call him is inappropriate for this venue and might offend some of my more delicate readers. Instead, we’ll just call him Richard. Think about nicknames for Richard and you’ll understand why he’s being called that.

Think about it.

There you go!

Richard told me how things “really were” in our relationship. Two years. Two years of me loving him, giving him my whole heart, and him taking and taking and taking. I can’t really describe to you the things he said in a way that will make you understand how I feel, but he used me.

I think this conversation with a friend sums it up:
“Richard dumped me in August, just days before I came back to MO. Via text message, no less.
He said he’s been fighting feelings for her all semester(which leads me to believe he’s had them for longer than that). She said they  have been sneaking around for awhile(she didn’t specify how long).She told me on Sunday afternoon and 4 hours later it was “Facebook official”.
She and I aren’t the closest of friends, but I have been there for her countless times as she cried over one boy or another(mostly my friend Dane). And there have been the few times that I cried on her shoulder as well(mostly about Richard, which is really weird now…). I have always been there for her and I can’t believe she would do something like this to me.
I know it’s been MONTHS since we broke up, but I never really got over him. We were officially together for almost two years, but were hanging out a lot for a while before he finally called me his girlfriend.
I really really loved him, I gave him my whole heart. I told him EVERYTHING about me, things that I don’t tell anyone! And now I have to face him every single day.
It’s really hard to move on from a love like that when you are constantly facing it. And just when I was really starting to be ok, this happens. He starts dating my friend, my fraternity sister! And he tells me that most of our relationship was a lie.”
If you don’t understand why I feel so hurt and betrayed, you probably just won’t. I can’t even look back on what we had with any real certainty of what was real and what wasn’t. I don’t have any idea how long it was one sided. I do know that when he broke up with me in January, he should have left it at that. He should have never, never, ever darkened my door to ask me back. He has decimated my heart and made me question my trust in everyone around me.
I don’t really care if you understand. It’s like the Bestie is always telling me: What I’m feeling is real and legitimate and no one else can say otherwise. I am seriously hurting. The counselor I talk to at school is calling this emotional abuse. A good friend of mine that I met in WI this summer said the same thing. I definitely feel bruised and bloodied at times, you just can’t see it.
I think it will take a long time for me to trust anyone that way again. I think it will be even longer before my heart is ready to love. Because the scariest thing is not ever knowing if someone means what they say. Richard said he loved me; he said he’d never hurt me. But I don’t really know if he ever meant it.
-Kay

Dog Sees God (Spoiler Alert)

This week, the last two nights to be specific, my dear friend, The Actor, celebrated the run of his senior show. Because he one of his majors is theater, his capstone project was to direct a play. His choice was the play by Bert V. Royal entitled “Dog Sees God.”

The show is an evocative piece that asks the viewer to challenge the way things are and make the world a better place. Dog Sees God takes the infamous Peanuts characters of our childhood and throws them into adolescence. This time, Charlie Brown and the gang are in high school and Snoopy has just died. The characters partake in all manner of vile behavior from using drugs and alcohol and using offensive language to bullying that wrenches at the gut of the viewer.

Fair warning, this show is not for the faint of heart. It forces the audience to step into the worst experiences a young person faces, perhaps on a daily basis, perhaps on rare occasions. Some of the toughest subjects that young people deal with are thrown into the mix. The point is to show just how far from butterflies and rainbows life is for some kids. Kids are faced with really difficult situations, asked to make tough decisions, tempted and pulled in multiple directions, forsaken by adults, and still asked to come out on top. This show really makes you think about how hard that is.

The show also makes you reflect on how many times you were the person who stood idly by while someone was bullied, how many times did you make a bad decision in order to fit in. What decisions have you made, or are making, in your life that could be devastating to you or to someone else? Yeah, you may leave the theater feeling really sh*tty about yourself, but that’s the point. We cannot make a change if we do not face how bad things have become.

Dog Sees God is difficult and offensive, but it is also beautiful and meaningful. It is a show that doesn’t suggest change, it outright demands it!

This show touched me in particular, because I was someone who was bullied relentlessly in school. So much so that by the time I reached the 3rd grade my parents had pulled me out of public school to be home-schooled, because my clothes were being torn to the point of indecency on the bus and I would come home bloodied and bruised. The first few years after I went back to public school in the 8th grade were not much better and like Beethoven I attempted to take my own life. I think God every day that I survived, but in the show, Beethoven doesn’t.

This show hit so close to home that I cried for at least the last 20 minutes of the show, through the talk-back, and for part of the ride back to campus. It saddens me to the deepest depths that we live in a society where the kind of behavior that can lead to a child’s death is thought of as “character building.” It sucks that it wasn’t just me. It’s a problem so basic within our culture that this play had to be written to make us question it.

And question it we did. This play faced an outbreak of controversy almost immediately after rehearsals began. A student on campus found the show to be offensive and so exercised her right to petition the ban of the show. To an extent, her goal was achieved. The compromise was that the show would not be allowed to be performed on campus. The Actor had to find a new performance space and ended up at the Berlin Cafe in CoMo. When The Roommate told me it was a small space, I could not have prepared myself for just how small. Last night when we arrived, there were 54 chairs in the house, the stage was practically in our laps, and we were finding spaces for people as they poured in.

In the end, I think it worked in The Actor’s favor. Being physically close to the actors helped me, as a viewer, to connect and feel like I was watching real life play out before my eyes. And, in reality, the controversy that lasted for so long was free publicity. By the time posters went up last week, everyone knew what the show was. Honestly, I think there was a better turn out, despite the conditions surrounding the performance, than there would have been if it had been performed on campus as scheduled.

The space also worked really well for the talk-back. At the end of the show, The Actor opened the floor for conversation between the actors  and the audience members. This was exactly the kind of thing Royal was looking for, because it was the beginning of discourse on what was wrong about what happened in the show and why exactly it was wrong.

It is wrong to abandon young adults, teenagers, to make hard decisions alone, to feel unloved and unwanted, during the most influential and fragile years of their young lives. It is wrong to bully and torment another person and to become so immune to it that you truly believe it’s just all fun and games. It is wrong to idly watch as the people around you destroy the lives of themselves and their “friends.” And it is especially wrong that a child who is different than the rest of the crowd feels so alone and so hated that he took his own life.

I applaud the playwright and I applaud the cast and crew. Most of all, I applaud my friend, The Actor. Thank you for all you do, all you have done, and all you will continue to do through this beautiful and heart-wrenching work of art. Thank you for going through with this no matter how ugly and difficult it got. Thank you for making the choice to stand up for me and for many others after me. You can’t know what it means to me that people are beginning to take notice.

In reverence,

-Kay