Today’s title has nothing to do with anything other than the fact that I have a Purple Triangle Stamp on my right hand from LittleSis’s Job’s dance on Saturday. I just really thought it was a clever title, could make for an interesting song… Anyone want to work on lyrics for that one?
In other excitement, there is news that all of you are dying to hear. The Bestie might be slightly trifled that I haven’t called her about this yet(sorry!).
The WhiteKnight and I talked yesterday. I explained somethings about what’s been happening this semester with me. I know I missed somethings, and maybe over simplified, but my legs were so shaking and my voice was cracking from the nervous tension in my body. I was just thankful that the picked up the phone. He said he’d listen, but I don’t think he planned on it effecting his position on me or the mistakes I’ve made. I’m still not sure how much of an impact any of it made, but I made my piece.
My favorite sentence of the evening:
“I concede, we can talk about us after Finals.”
I’m hopeful yet.
Now, I’m not a big Mizzou fan, I’m not necessarily in opposition to their victory either. I am a tried and true K-State/ Notre Dame fan. However, my loyalties are shifting. WhiteKnight is in the Marching Mizzou band. His Dad, Mr. P. is a die-hard supporter and between the two of them I’m being turned.
Yes, the WhiteKnight and I are talking again as friends. It’s hard, but I’m surviving. When Mr. P. invited me to the Pep Rally in downtown KC, I tried to curbed my excitement as much as possible. I also tried my very hardest not to hold any expectations. Before leaving for Chorale Tour, I had told WK that I was willing to work things out when and if he was ever ready for that. He never responded to that message even though we had been messaging back and forth previous to that declaration.
So I asked permission to use the car to attend this rally and I was met with a little opposition. Mostly, they didn’t want me going alone and not for the reasons you’d expect. My dad wasn’t worried about me being able to handle myself in downtown KC and he knew that I would be able to hold myself together in public no matter what happened. He was, however, afraid of what might happen once I was left alone in the car with just my thoughts and the events of the evening.
I know most of my friends aren’t exactly thrilled that I’m still hung up on WK, they want me to just move on, because they think that’s what he’s done. They think he’s been giving me signs that he is over me. Maybe I’m naive and impossibly hopeful, but that’s not what I see. I see a young man that had is heart broken just as badly as I did. I look back on the semester and realize that this sickness, this depression, that has been trying to run my life was like a poison in our relationship. The problem is, neither of us was prepared to fight it, especially because he didn’t even know what was going on with me. I didn’t let him see how broken I was, I wanted to be strong enough to carry both of us. I failed.
The Bestie keeps yelling at me for saying things like “I need to win him back.” I don’t think she sees how much damage I did to the relationship, because I didn’t see it until recently and even then wasn’t admitting it to anyone. This is my confession.
So my dad went with me last night. WK didn’t look look at me, didn’t touch me, and certainly didn’t speak to me. And I was too terrified to bridge the gap the gap either. After the rally we went to Winstead’s the majority of our time there was awkward and heart wrenching on my part. WK sat at a separate booth with some of his band friends while I sat with Mr. P. and my dad. I don’t know if Mr. P. recognized the look on my face, but it was the look of a girl trying not to break down right then and there.
Finally, the three of us stood to leave. WK and his friends were going to stay a bit longer before they headed back to their respective lodgings. They the big game to prepare for. I finally took a leap of faith. I tugged ever so slightly on WK’s sleeve and asked if I could talk to him. I thank the Lord that he obliged. He said he wasn’t upset with me, he just didn’t feel like he was given fair warning that I would be there. I guess he wasn’t as ready to see me as I was to see him. I compare how he looked last night upon seeing me to how he looked the first time we met. He went from looking like an excited puppy to a kicked dog. I will never forgive myself for being the one responsible for that.
I asked him to hug me and he did. We are at least friends for now. I will not give up on him, never again. I’m going to call him and tell him everything. I don’t know how much he wants or think he needs to hear, but I need to tell it. All of it. How I was sick and how that sickness turned my already present self issues into a mess larger than I could handle. I pushed him away because I feared I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t strong enough for him. I made a big mess of things and now I need to clean them up.
No matter how things turn out, I’m determined to make it through the storm.
Mr. P. said something last night that healed me a little. He said, “You’re here because of me. You’re not here because of him. You’re important, you matter to me.”
The last six days have been some of the most memorable of my life and I can’t wait to do it all again next year!
For those of you who didn’t know or have forgotten, I was on tour with the top choir at my university, the Chorale. We performed for 8 schools and 5 churches, multiple performances at most of those. If we counted correctly, we gave approximately twenty concerts in six days.Here’s the list:
Central Methodist University
Jeff City High School
Smith Cotton High School
Central High School(Springfield)
Willard High School
Branson UMC Worship Services
West Plains UMC
West Plains High School
Rolla High School
Rockbridge High School
Centralia High School
It was long and strenuous and I barely have a voice left, but for the first time in quite a while I felt like I was really a part of a group again. I also felt like I mattered within the group, like the group would be somehow lesser without me. Maybe that’s arrogant, but I’ve been missing that feeling since I graduated high school. And I know that most of the other students would tell you that the worst part of it all was being stuck on a bus with 33 other college students plus our director, but that was the best of it all. We bonded in a way that no one else in the Conservatory has bonded together. The band tours, yes, but that’s a much larger group and, therefore, is unable to form the same kinds of bonds that were formed this last week within the Chorale. Also, I won the Most Ghetto Award and Marshall and I won Best Tour Romance, so that’s pretty awesome too.
As we approach Thanksgiving, just a few hours away, I have many things to be thankful for. I’m thankful to be home with my family, to have had such a wonderful tour experience, to have wonderful friends that have stuck by me through so much, to have a loving Savior that continues to bless my life in new ways, and for you, dear bloggers. Thank you for being there to listen to me, even when I’m feeling low. You really do mean the world to me.
Yesterday I posted this quote from my Philosophy professor:
“If you were walking through the woods and came across a pocket watch, would you know it as man made? How then can you look on the universe in all it’s complexity and deny the existence of a creator.” –O.A. Robinson
I really love this quote, so I posted it as my FB status. I haven’t decided if that was a mistake or not. There have been several long and extensive comments left by four or five people(mostly male coincidentally enough, but that’s a discussion for another day). I’m really loving the discussion aspect of it, because that’s what I do! I discuss religion and philosophy for a hobby and one day for a living. The only problem with this has become the fact that not everyone knows how to verbalize their thinking without getting upset.
I am the kind of person that remains cool for quite a while in these discussions, because I have trained myself to do so. I also intentionally engage with people who disagree with me so that I can check the strength of my argument, find the holes in my argument so that I can then fix them, etc, etc. I love hearing what other people think about the origins of the universe, the existence of God, and so on and so forth. I fully believe that an uninformed faith is no faith at all.
I once had a professor tell me, “Most people get to college and lose God, because of their education. That doesn’t have to be the case. I am a theologian, because my education taught me more about God and my faith in Him than I ever thought possible before that point.”
Education and science and philosophy are only the downfall of a belief if you let them be. I’m not saying that you need to accept every opinion you hear about something, but I am saying that you need to be more careful. Take the time to really listen to what the other view point has to say, because it may teach you a little something about what you yourself believe.
Now I have to go finish my homework that I haven’t done yet, because I’ve been so caught up in this debate/discussion.
CHORALE TOUR IN 1.5ISH DAYS!!!!!
Well, yesterday did not go quite as planned.
I was so excited to see the Bestie and Peanut and then I was even more excited because we were going to Parkville to see our mutual friend, SecurityMan, after the Girl Scout dinner.
We were having a pretty good time just hanging out at his out, and watched a tremendous display of stupidity at Mickey D’s which was pretty funny, except I was hanging out with the kid while the other two cuddled and did all sorts of cute things. This would normally not be a problem for me, but apparently I’m super hormonal and especially moody about the whole “romance” scene.
I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t want to see it, hear about it, or witness it in any other way really. I’m pretty sure I’m becoming a hateful cynic about it all, but I’m not sure how to fix it. I’m tired of my heart getting broken. I’m even more tired of putting myself out there and my reward being embarrassment and rejection.
I just wanted a care-free night with people that I love dearly. Instead I became a babysitter. Don’t get me wrong, I love Peanut and I’m perfectly willing to babysit at anytime. But next time, just leave me at home with the little guy. I wouldn’t have been in the way and it would have just been all around better for everyone.
It feels good to be home. I definitely missed my family. Last night was LittleSis’s high school production of The Crucible. The whole family was there including the grandparentals and BigSis and BrownMan(my B.I.L.). Afterward we celebrated Dad’s birthday. He’s the big Five-O this year! Even Grandma and Grandpa are giving him trouble about that one. It’s pretty funny. As much as I enjoyed seeing some of my friends from high school, I really enjoyed the family just being together laughing and having fun. I’m now all the more excited about Thanksgiving! I’ve tried not to get too hyped up about it, but I just can’t wait!
On the flip side of the coin, I just got back from Papa’s funeral. “He was a giant of a man with a personality to fit.” Yeah, that pretty much summed him up, but he was so much more. He was one of those people that you couldn’t describe unless you used just about every word you could think of. Some twice! I know LittleSis and BabyBro took it pretty hard. I’m thankful that he was cremated, though. I know that sounds strange, but I remember when my grandfather died. I was eleven. When I saw him lying in that casket for the first time, it felt like my heart had shattered. I’m glad my siblings didn’t have to see Papa that way. he wasn’t our biological grandparent, but he was that special kind of person that adopted grandchildren and loved them as his own.
I sat in that pew this morning and held LittleSis as her body shook with grief. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that sad, she wasn’t old enough to understand when my grandparents on my mom’s side passed. This was as close to a death in the family as she has dealt with.
Tonight the Bestie and I have a Girl Scout award ceremony to attend and I’ll be spending the night afterward. I’m glad to have some detox time with her. We don’t get to spend nearly enough time together. I’m thankful to have special people in my life like the Bestie, and the Roommate, and BigSis, and my Dad, etc that take care of me. Papa’s funeral was hard to deal with and I’m glad that I’m home so that I can surround myself with people that will be able to bring me back up.
Ok, so I have this thing where I give myself a little treat each day by having a piece of Dove Dark Chocolate and reading the inspirational message. Today I was doing just that and the message was: “Believe in yourself and everyone will do the same.” I thought to myself, “that’s total bull.” To make myself feel better I read the next wrapper. Apparently the Dove Muses wanted to really pound this into my head , because the next three wrappers said the same thing! No, I didn’t eat all that chocolate, I re-wrapped them and put them back in the bag like nothing happened. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be more mentally prepared for that particular message.
I’ve been having a pretty rough week. I’ve decided that I hate the Facebook relationship status thingy. It just wants to remind me how terrible I am at relationships. The guy I like and the girl he likes made it “Facebook Official” and my home page won’t stop reminding me. I took out my frustration on my AC unit. Our RHD keeps reminding us that it needs to come and we just plum haven’t had enough time. Today, I wasn’t feeling so great(I think my body is rejecting all the stress I’ve put it under) so I skipped my one o’clock. I know, bad Kay, but sometimes a girl just needs a break. ANYWAY, I used that time to fight the evil AC unit and ripped that puppy out all by myself! I was pretty dang proud. Shows you how much I need a man! I don’t.
Along those lines, I’m getting extra credit tomorrow for attending the Friday Forum on Feminism! Heck yes!