The life of a not so average girl doing not so average things.

Archive for September, 2010

Tears of Joy

Crying is not something I usually do very often, let alone in public. This semester the tears have been coming more frequently and more plentifully. I still really haven’t really cried in public.

At dinner this evening I received a very interesting phone call. It was my dad. He brought me a care package. He drove 2.5 hours to see me. He also brought me the aforementioned care package that was full of goodies from my sister, my grandparents, and my dad. Seriously, it had some really cool stuff. If I can get it to cooperate, there will be a photo attached to this post.

Also, the majority(if not all) of those 50+ hits I received today… my dad. The BioFam really came through for me today, some more than others.

My dad just wanted to hang out. BigSis wanted to come with my dad, but he wanted some time alone with me. He went with me to theater stuff and hung out in The Eyrie while I was in Exec. Meeting for ΣAI, and he came and talked with me and my nerd friends at Philosophy Club. And because he read my blog and now knows what Wednesday nights involve, he asked why we weren’t attending Jane Austen Book Club(Yes, he was even willing to go to that). Of course, the reason was that I had other stuff I had to get done, but that it’s the thought that counts.

We had a nice talk when he went to leave. He asked me about the situation with WhiteKnight and about other things I had said on this blog. We talked about how he went through and felt a lot of the things I’m going through and feeling when he was in school and how he feels responsible for my issue with talking to people about it and my issue with tears. Of course, that’s when I started crying. In public. He hugged me about seven times and held me while I cried. He said I’d always be his baby girl and I could call him to talk whenever I needed. he even said he’d drive out to Fayette again if I need it. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried on my daddy’s shoulder, I have missed that.

Upon replaying some of the events for The Roommate, I cried my first tears of joy. This was a new experience for me. I would qualify myself as a generally happy person, but never before have I been so wracked with joy that I’ve cried. Tonight it happened. In public. That makes twice in one evening. Maybe this is progress. 🙂

Thank you Dad. And BigSis. And Grandma. And Grandpa. I love you all very much.



50 Hits!

Today we hit an all time high of 50+ hits of my beloved blog!

That is really cool and absolutely terrifying! That means that there is a possibility that 50 different people read my blog today. Now, I’m a realistic person. I know that that’s not what happened, but still the possibility is there.

For those of you that have been concerned about me, I want you to know that I’m seeking help. I talked with MinistryMan yesterday and I think it helped a lot. He was completely unbiased which allowed me to put everything out there. I didn’t have the pressure of keeping certain things out of the picture for him, I could be totally honest. Don’t worry, I haven’t been lying to you guys, I just can’t necessarily put everything out there with you all, because sometimes the things that are bothering me involved readers of this blog.

I’m meeting MinistryMan again on Friday. I ask that you keep praying for me. This is going to be a long and very difficult road, but recovery always is.


Our Unconventional Make-shift Family

It was a fabulous weekend! Friday night, FrenchHorn Guy’s mom, Mama O, came and stayed the night. She brought us a huge bag of fresh, perfectly salted tortilla chips and salsa! We enjoyed them while we watched Robin Hood. It was brilliant!

Also that evening, I talked to WhiteKnight’s dad. He’s been reading my blog and called to talk. I really needed that and it meant a lot to me, because even through everything that is going on with his son and I, he cares. He cares in a way that not even the BioFam seem to. We talked a lot about warning signs of depression and about how scary it all is. We talked about my attempted suicide when I was in high school and how much neither of us wants me to get to that place again. He said, “You’re too good of a person to do that.” I don’t know if he realized it, but on this end of the phone I was a mess. I was crying and discussing things that I barely talk about with a man that for so long I’ve just wanted to like me.  I don’t know if he disapproves of me being with WK, I don’t even really know if he likes me(though I highly suspect that he does), but he continues to be there for me as a brother in Christ and as a mentor.

Today, The Bestie, The Cool Mom, Peanut, and J came to visit. They drove 2.5 hours just to spend a couple hours of Family Weekend with me. I knew I had missed them, but hadn’t really realized the extent of it until they walked through the church doors. I’m sure I had an idiotic smile on my face for the rest of the service, which would have been quite obvious as I was in the choir loft at the front of the sanctuary. We spent the day doing incredibly mundane things. It was an average, quiet, boring Sunday afternoon here in Fayette, but they spent it with me anyway. I hope they realize how special they are to me, especially The Bestie. She is my lifeline and I would not be the person I am today, heck, I might not be here today at all, if not for her. I love her so much. It was hard to walk away when they left this afternoon, but I think I may be a little stronger for it. The Bestie is always doing that, helping me get stronger.

Thank you to those of you who love on me. It means more than you could ever know.


You Keep Me Spinning Around

This is Family Weekend here  on campus. I don’t know what it’s like at other universities, but Family Weekend is a big deal around here. Of course, my family isn’t coming because Little Man has a camp out that the BioFam is going to. That’s cool, I’m kind of used to them not coming to stuff. That’s how it was in high school, that’s how it is here. No worries.

What IS a big deal for me this weekend is all the ways I get to be involved. Now, you would maybe not think of me as the school spirit type based on my friends, and appearance, etc. The truth is, I love being involved.

Tonight is the Fine Arts Celebration. Almost everyone involved in band, choir, and theatre come to this. It’s a nice dinner where we get dress up and awards are handed out, that kind of thing. He doesn’t know it yet, but FrenchHorn Guy is receiving an award this evening. Shh!

Tomorrow, I’m helping out the Humanities department. I will be doing a few readings from our campus publication, Inscape. I’m excited! I was specifically asked to read by DrProfessorManGuy on our way out of class yesterday(I’m helping tutor a Comp class).

After that, ΣAI has a SongFest at 4pm. We have to share a time frame of about 30 minutes with the ΦMA SongFest. We absolutely love these opportunities, because usually it’s The Boys that are at our SongFests and vice verse. On days like Family Weekend, parents show up to watch us sing about our fraternities. Even some parents that don’t belong to us. It’s really neat.

If you think the madness is over after that, you’d be wrong. The reason we have only 30 minutes for both SongFests is because there is a football game tomorrow evening. The band has a call time of 4:45. They have to go get ready and warm up, yada yada yada(No offense Bandies). And guess what! ΣAI has been asked to sing the National Anthem! This never happens, so we Lovely Ladies In Red are super excited! Be excited for us!

Then on Sunday, Chorale sings in worship at Linn. It will be my first performance with TheElite. Dr. W says we’re going to make people cry. The Bestie, Peanut, and The Cool Mom are coming up that day too! I’ve been looking forward to this for a while! I miss them so much and this will be the first time they’ll be on campus for any amount of time. It has yet to be determined whether they we be here for worship or not, but either way I’m excited!

As you can read, this weekend is jam-packed with lots of exciting things! I’ll try to keep you updated on how it’s going, but it may have to wait until Monday. So…



Phi Mu Alpha Man Parade!

The Boys started their pledging period this evening. I absolutely adore them. This evening was a bit somber, though. Everyone got new family members. Everyone except me. I love my fraternity mama, I just wish I had more of a family. Especially right now with all the tension with my BioFamily. Apparently my cousin is getting married. Next month. Guess who didn’t know until two days ago. Me. There’s also been a lot of turmoil with friends lately, if you couldn’t tell from the last post. The Roommate and I are having issues even. The interesting part of that is that I’m pretty sure she is completely oblivious. Oh, well. Life sucks and then you die. That’s when the real party starts. I can’t wait to meet Jesus.

ANYWAY! This has been a completely random blog post about just a few of the insanities happening in my mind. Yay me! Thanks for reading.


We Were Boxing With Stars

Why is it that sometimes it feels like the people that care about me are the ones that interact with me over the interwebs?

This does not necessarily include The Sibs and The Bestie. I know they love me, they tell me all the time. They mean the world to me.

But the people that I live with, the people I interact with everyday in classes, and rehearsals, and meals barely nod their heads unless I’m saying something funny.

They smile and joke. They act like I can count on them, but how far does that extend? Sometimes I wonder how many of these friends would be here if I got myself into trouble?

Why don’t my parents talk to me except when it’s about money?

Why didn’t I know that my cousin and his fiance are finally getting married and that it’s happening in October.

I feel like those of you that read this are the ones that really care. It doesn’t matter that I’ve never met some of you, or that you reside half way across the country, maybe even the globe. You take time to read this crazy blog about my crazy life.

This is post celebrating you. As sad as some of the previous statements are, I give thanks for you guys.

Thank you, friends.


And Now For Something Exactly The Same

I don’t have words.

Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t want to lie to you, but I also can’t say to you the things that I really want, no, need to say.

I’ve always been able to “fake it” really well. I don’t want you to know that I’m hurting, that I’m weak.

I don’t even have the desire to do that anymore. I don’t have the will to do it anymore.

I don’t seem to have the will to do anything anymore.

I don’t know why I’m so unhappy and I surely don’t know how to fix it.

I just want to make it stop.

I was finally able to write out some of my thoughts and feelings about whatever it is that’s happening to me. And do you know what happened? It got sent to my drafts folder, because I just can’t bear the thought of any of you knowing how incredibly weak I have become. I’m sorry that I’m unable to be totally honest with you at this time, I hope that someday I will be able to.