*Titled after the ’80s chart climber by lesser known Starship. Titled for no apparent reason
Blogger Friends, I have news.
I’m bloody fantastic! 🙂 Life sucked there for awhile. Or rather, I had my head so far down in the sand that I forgot what sunshine looked like.
But I have remembered and am doing well!
There are a lot of really exciting things happening this semester. Namely, IT’S THE LAST ONE!!!
Can you believe that in just a few months time I will have TWO degrees to my name. 🙂 Yeah, that feels good.
And I am determined to make this the best dog-gone semester of them all. Nothing and no one can stop me.
I am taking the necessary precautions to ensure my own sanity and happiness and I am living life for me! It feels really good.
Yes, there are days that I feel impatient for whatever the next step is going to be, but in just a week and a half this semester has already out-shined the last one.
I finally feel like I’m me again!
Some changes I have made thus far: I’m a vegetarian! This is an attempt to eat healthier over-all and to start my journey to better health. I dyed my hair back to the blonde and pink it was when I started here at CMU. And I am cutting people out of my life that hurt me. I have learned that I am the only one who can do this for me. There are people out there who are going to hurt me. There are people out there who HAVE hurt me, and they have hurt me badly, and I can forgive them without saying, “That’s ok.” And I can forgive them and still remove them from my life in order to keep them from causing the same pains again.
Maybe that sounds harsh, but it’s reality.
I can’t be mad at myself for not recognizing how bad things had gotten. I can’t be mad at myself for putting my heart out there and giving everything I had to give. I can’t hate myself any longer. If I’m unhappy with my life, then I need to make better decisions, I need to take better care of me.
So that’s my New Year’s resolution: take better care of Kay. 🙂
I wish I could schedule panic attacks. They suck. A lot. This post maybe should have been written last Wednesday when the details of the event were still fresh in my mind and I needed an escape route, but every time I thought about the issue that tightness in my chest cavity started again.
This can all be traced back to a conversation had at my birthday party over break. Some friends and I were sitting around at my parents’ house talking and it was mentioned that Dreamer and CrazyGirl(A term of endearment, I assure you) will be graduating from High School on The Hill next year. Logically, it follows that LittleSis will be graduating the year after. Two years until she is done with high school. What does this make me think of? “Holy crap I’m graduating from college in TWO YEARS!!!”
This does not seem like enough time to absorb all the knowledge I need to absorb before I leave this place. It does not seem like enough time to accomplish all that needs to be accomplished. And it certainly does not seem like enough time to earn all the credits that I need in order to graduate. Almost everyone that I’ve talked to about this last point has said the same thing, “So just stick around for a fifth year like I’m going to.” Well, that is great advice except for the fact that I have three years of seminary to go through after I get my B.A., and(more notably) I can barely afford to be here THIS year. Where on Earth would I find the money for a fifth year when I’m currently worrying about paying for a third?
Now onto the actual panicking I want to talk about.
Last Wednesday night, I was attempting to get my schedule arranged, so that when April 4 rolls around, I’m totally ready to go. The problem is this, everything that I need to take ended up stacked on top of each other. My scholarship agreement(which I am INCREDIBLY thankful for) has clear stipulations: that I take part in a large ensemble, audition for and(if accepted) take part in a second, and enroll for applied vocal lessons. This is usually not a huge deal when it comes to scheduling, but the lovely administration has decided that next fall the Philosophy classes should be scheduled during the same time that Conservatory Singers has been scheduled for the last SEVERAL years, if not always, I really don’t know. There are only two classes for Philosophy being offered that I haven’t taken yet and now I can’t take either of them.
But wait, there’s more!
There are also only two Religion classes being offered next semester that I haven’t taken yet. Take a guess at the problem. Right-o! They too are scheduled at the same time as each other. Why are these departments having this problem, you might ask? Oh, the joys of a small university. I’ll tell you the problem. It’s because there is a mandatory RL101 class that EVERYONE must take to graduate. I certainly don’t have a problem with this. As a liberal arts college, especially one sponsored by the Methodist Church, it seems appropriate to expect undergraduates to have a well rounded and basic grasp on world religions and the roles they play in people’s lives. What I do have a problem with is the fact that there are only THREE professors to cover both the Philosophy and the Religion departments and the majority of their time is being used up by these freshmen courses. Yes, Ministry Man is willing and able to teach classes on occasion, as are the professors adjunct, but those are hit and miss situations.
What’s more, because I dropped Astronomy this semester, I am entering my junior year with a General Education science requirement to take care of. Once again I will state that Conservatory Singers has been scheduled for the MWF 2-250pm slot for as long as any of us remember. Why then are all but one of the labs for this required science class scheduled over the top of the choir rehearsal time that I literally am paid to attend?
I played this game for over an hour before I had to get out. My chest felt tight, I wanted to throw something at someone, and I felt like I was suffocating. So I went for a walk. I was out for about an hour I think. There are a few notable things to mention here, A. The Nerdmate was texting me through all of this. He was very supportive and accepting of the fact that his girl friend is crazy. He reminded me that I am capable of this and that dropping out and becoming a hobo was maybe again my better judgment. B. In this situation 6 months ago I would immediately sought escape and comfort in food. I can honestly say that through the attack I’m pretty sure food was the farthest thing from my mind. Instead, I sought refuge in a walk around town, an activity that is both calming and productive. Of course, at the time I wasn’t thinking about this, but the fact is that even though my weight loss journey is far from over, my attitude and behavior toward and about food is changing.
Here is some good news for you, readers.
1)Friday I sat down in my advisor’s office and he helped me lay out a schedule. He reminded me that I am ahead of most of the people in my class as far as credits go and that my grades are better than most. He assured me that I was going to be fine. “You CAN do this, Kay.” Thank you, Dr. J.
2)I hit the 40lb mark on Sunday. Yeah, I am almost half way to my goal weight and I couldn’t be more excited. As often as I find myself thinking that my progress is too slow or that I’m not doing enough, even I must admit that 40lbs is a big deal.
What did I learn? Sometimes we are blinded by the little things that seem so horrible, that we forget about the larger things that are really amazing.
The was to get up this morning, go to my 8:30, be very studious, get out about 9:45, hop in the car with my mother and drive to KC for my appointment with the nutritionist, find out how much weight I’ve lost and have a BMI done, drop kit and paperwork off at Vector, replenish supplement supplies and pick up things I had left behind, drive back to school.
Turns out, just because you plan ahead and have it all worked out, doesn’t mean that is what is going to happen. I woke at 7am to a call from my mother saying that BabyBro and LittleSis didn’t have school, because the roads on The Hill are covered with ice. Her exact words: “It just isn’t worth it.”
Thanks for the ego boost, Mom...
What really gets me is that the high schoolers who were out of school because of this dreadful ice didn’t seem to have a problem driving around on it. Also, there wasn’t ANYTHING on the roads here, so I’m having a difficult time being sympathetic. She could have at least let me bring the scale with me to school, you know, the one that I bought… Gr.
Needless to say, my day started off pretty dimly, but I forced myself to keep my chin up. So what if I have NO IDEA how the weight loss has gone this week. So what if I have NO IDEA what the results of my lab work last week are. So what if I did’t get my BMI done today… Right? Gr. Ok, i’m going to be happy again. 🙂 See? I can do it.
I DID feel good about our SAI Executive Board meeting today. I got everything figured out for my reports for meeting on Thursday, we’re on schedule for Induction on Friday, and I felt all around accomplished. Go me!
Ok, I promised a post about the boy… well, boys.
See what I mean? New and different situation that I’ve never been in before with a whole new set of rules that I have to figure out how to navigate! This is good, though. I feel good.
I love him. He’s my best friend and besties tend to love each other, right? But where is the line between love for a best friend and love for a partner and have we crossed it at some point and not recognized it as such? We both have issues, both physically and mentally. We’re both working on these things, but can we overcome them? Should we even try? What about his confusion? How do I encourage him in “us” without being pushy or expectant? Things are really great with us right now and I don’t necessarily want to risk upsetting that. I want him to continue to feel comfortable telling me anything and everything. I love talking to him and he always knows how to make me smile. He has developed this sweet side that I’ve never seen before. Is that something everyone sees or just me?
Alabama is new to this particular playing field. He and I also went to high school together and is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever known. He’s always sweet and there is definitely flirtation happening, the thing is that he flirts with a lot of people and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. If things were to develop with Alabama, it would be another difficult situation, because he’s in the Army and is currently at AIT in, you guessed it, Alabama. He’s also doing bomb type things and his expected lifetime is INCREDIBLY short and I just don’t know how to handle knowing that. I do like him, but it’s going to be a while before we know if there’s anything there.
3) The Bad Boy
He probably IS bad news, but there is an attraction there that I can’t really explain. He’s definitely not my usual, that is for sure. Just about every person I’ve talked to about this situation says he’s only in it for one thing, sex, but I think there just might be more on his mind. There is, however, a bit of a situation between him and Neighbor#1. He has liked her for a long time, but she says there’s nothing there. It basically sucks. What I don’t get is that when he was feeling down the other night, he didn’t text her, he text me. The advantage to The Bad Boy is that he lives on campus, he is in fact the next dorm hall over. He’s also involved in the Conservatory and is a ΦMA.
I’ve never had multiple guys like me, let alone been “talking” to them all. Granted, I’m not sure you can call what L.A. and I do “talking.” Nevertheless, I’m excited and curious to see where it all goes. And now you know! Which was the whole point of all of that.
Have a good evening, everyone!
Yes, I’m being an awful student and avoiding all the reading that I should be getting done. No, I haven’t spent my three day weekend working on it like I should have. Oops. 🙂 The Roommate is gone until next Saturday and I’ve kind of been avoiding spending time alone in my room.
I DID spend my weekend, well part of my weekend, practicing for the Induction that I, as the new Vice President of Ritual, have a huge part in. We had our first rehearsal this evening and it ran pretty smoothly for our first real go at it. Tomorrow’s will be even better, I just know it!
I spent the Saturday part of my weekend at the Rockbridge Showchoir Festival. Loads of fun. If you’re into vocal music at all, you should go to at least ONE competition in your life. They were my favorite part of being in highschool. Turns out, I still love it. I miss showchoir so much, but it was neat to see how far my girls, Hilltop Harmony(my old choir and LittleSis’s current choir), have come. Let me tell you, they were working it! Their theme this year is Vegas and it was completely awesome. They kicked butt and took names too! I was so proud, especially of LittleSis. I can’t wait to see them perform again at Battle Of The Best next weekend on The Hill.
The rest of the weekend has been fairly uneventful, but with really good things thrown in. I’ll have to write a post about the boy situation soon. It’s gotten quite interesting. I’m playing by a whole new set of rules that I’ve never had a use for before. It feels nice.
Tomorrow I have my weekly appointment with the nutritionist. I’m VERY excited! I don’t want to tell you how much I’ve lost until next week, just after the one month mark, but it’s been significant already. I’m working really hard and I’ve found that I actually really enjoy working out. You know that thing they call “runner’s high?” I think I hit that for the first time tonight, but on the bike, if that’s possible. All I know is that I did 6.5 miles and felt like I could do more, but wanted to make sure I could walk tomorrow. Haha! It felt really awesome and I had a really good stretch afterwords. I just can’t wait to find out where I’m at in the weight loss plan tomorrow!
Big titles right? Yeah, I thought so too and now they belong to me for the current semester. It’s a HUGE responsibility and it’s going to take a lot of work considering I’m already Co-Morale Officer and Service Officer for SAI, but I’m totally thrilled about the opportunity! This means that while my FratMama will be the one leading the Members In Training through their training period, I will be the one leading them through their induction and initiation ceremonies. How cute is it that FratMama and I are the two Vice Presidents? Look at us doin’ big things!
I will also be, as Fraternity Education Officer, responsible for enhancing the current members and the MITs understanding of what SAI means and what it means to be an SAI. Like I said, I’m stoked. The Roommate is ready to shoot me for adding one more thing to my schedule, but I know I can handle this. I am a little nervous about the memorization, induction is next Friday and I was just installed last night, but I used to memorize all the time for Rainbow and Job’s, so I think I can manage.
Speaking of Job’s, last night when the nominees were doing our little speeches about why we’d be good for the job, I was asked how i was with memorizing lines and I mentioned theatre stuff and Rainbow and Job’s and it turns out that Dr. Hamel used to be in Job’s Daughters! I was excited and we had a moment and it was all very exciting. She was all “I am a Past Honored Queen, thank you!” and I laughed a lot. I love that woman.
This post is all kinds of off the wall, because I’m having a really good morning, so bear with me.
This diet thing is going really well. I’ve never loved working out before, but I find I like it more every time. Being constantly surrounded by the smells of food is new and different and it has made it a little harder, but I’m doing really well. I think a big part of it is that I am already able to see the difference. My face has slimmed ever so slightly, as has my torso. Now, most people on campus can’t tell the difference, but they see me everyday. I sent a photo to BigSis yesterday and she said she could see the difference. I can’t wait to see the difference a month from now, two months from now, what my family will say when I see them next Thanksgiving, next Christmas. I’ve always been a big girl, so a slimmer and, ultimately, healthier Kay is going to be totally different for them.
Ok, I’ll post more crazy life stuff later, but right now I have letters to write, lines to memorize, and boys to talk to(I’m kidding about that last one… mostly) before my 1 o’clock. Talk to you soon!
Tomorrow is the first day of a very long and at times difficult process: losing weight. I’m not one who likes to talk about her weight or her health(although, other than being overweight, I’m fairly healthy). I just don’t think it’s kosher, but tomorrow starts the journey towards the rest of my life. I think that if I start being a little more open about these things, maybe over time they’ll be less scary. Also, as I lose weight, that will become a less touchy subject.
I’ll be on a strict 900 calorie diet.
This first week I will be making accommodations for the holiday, so I will be eating 700 calories(approx.) of the food provided by my nutritionist and one meal of regular food. This one meal can consist of 2 portions of lean meat and 2 portions of vegetables from a list of suggested veggies.
After Christmas, I will only be eating food provided by my nutritionist:
Proti Max Vanilla Drink- 100cal
Cappuccino Mix- 80cal
Decaf Iced Tea with Lemon- 20cal
Sour Cream & Onion Soy Snacks-120cal
Chicken Noodle Soup(x2)- 90cal
BBQ Soy Snacks- 120cal
Soy Nuts- 180cal
Strawberry Creme Smoothie- 100cal
and 64+ ounces of water a day(which means I’ll be peeing all the time)
I will have 6 meals a day. Breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, and an evening snack. The idea is that by eating few calories at more points throughout the day, I will speed up my metabolism.
Second, Vitamins and other medicaitons:
Metabolism Essentials Multivitamin- 3 twice daily
Cal-6+Mag. -1 twice daily
Salt Tabs- 3616mg
St. John’s Wort- 600mg
Ultra Green Tea- 800mg
Ultra Omega-3 – 4 once daily
Vitamin D-3 -6000 IU
Chromium- 3 once daily
These dosages are spread out throughout my day so as not to throw my system into shock and to be the most efficient.
And Third, Exercise:
20-35 minutes 4-5 times a week of aerobic exercise(walking, jogging, biking, etc)
10 or more minutes 2 times a week of strength training(weight lifting, Pilates, stretch bands, etc)
And 5,000+ steps a day
All to be recorded in my Weight Loss Journal. It’s going to be a struggle, but I know I can do it. This may not be what you want to read about, but it’s going to be affecting my life a lot in the next several months, so there will probably be plenty about it in this blog. Please bear with me. All I ask is for a little support and encouragement. I’m going to need it.
Starting weight: 292lbs.
Yes, there was a big cringe there.