The Nerdmate and I are fighting. Or, we had a fight and now there’s this weird not speaking to each other dance happening. I don’t like it. There’s a lot of internal struggling happening on both sides.
I’m probably not the kind of girl that comes off as the cut and run type, but I totally am. Commitment scares me. Rejection scares me. Getting attached and having my heart trampled on terrifies me. When the seas get rough, I take my boat in. My walls go up and I do whatever it takes to keep myself safe. That usually means a I cut and run. I take off. I leave. Not physically, but emotionally. That’s how all of my relationships have ended.
And then I do something rash and compulsive, usually to my hair. After every break-up or nasty fight, I’ve dyed and/or cut my hair. After the catastrophe of a fight with the WhiteKnight, I almost went out and got a tattoo or a piercing, some kind of body mod. I didn’t, just in case you were curious. But that was when I stripped the red from my hair, because red was HIS color. Brown was the PensylvanianLover’s color, etc.
This time it’s different. I can’t cut and run. This is the first time that I’ve gone to the same school as the guy I was with, yet alone lived in the same town. And this isn’t just the same town, The Nerdmate lives in the dorm directly above mine. Everytime he moves, everytime he has someone over, I can hear him. So even if I WAS going to run, I couldn’t. Also, I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that if I walk away, I’m walking away from the man that could be my soul mate.
How do you know if someone if your soul mate? How do you know if this is the person you were made for? I don’t know. And that scares me. And it ticks me off. I’ve worked past the tears. I won’t shed tears ’til I know it’s over. I can’t. But I. Am. Mad. We are supposed to be a team. We are supposed to be there for each other. We cannot aford to shut down the lines of communication if we’re going to make it through this. I love him and I know he loves me, but I don’t see that he wants to be with me. And I’m not going to waste my time following him around until he makes his decision. I’ve been there and I will never go back.
He needs space, so I’m giving him space. Honeslty, I need some space of my own. He’s going to make whatever decision he’s going to make without my influence and anyone who knows him knows that’s true. That’s how he works. So what am I doing to keep myself busy? Everything I can. I had girl time with The Roommate and Rose. It was really helpful. The Roommate and I are driving down to MMEA to watch the band perform! Yay! It’s a huge honor. And then we’ll participate in the StepSings of Sigma Alpha Iota and Phi Mu Alpha. And tomorrow night I’m having a movie/game night with my New Best Friend. Don’t worry, Bestie, you’re still my Bestie. 🙂 My New Best Friend and I have just needed each other to talk things out, our friendship is growing everyday.
I will be ok. I will survive and I hope that I come out on the other side with the Nerdmate by my side once more.
That’s how I feel. Mostly.
The events of the last few days have been… exciting. And not in a good way.
Shortly after my last post, and I mean within a few minutes, the WhiteKnight let me know that he was in the ER for what was either a flu bug that didn’t make him throw up, or appendicitis. (For those of you who don’t know, WK and are now on speaking terms again as good friends) It was the latter and they were going to take his appendix that night. When I talked to Mr. P. I asked if WK needed someone to sit with him at the hospital. I quickly amended my question to the more appropriate, “Do YOU need someone to sit with him at the hospital?” To which he firmly replied, “Yes.” So I went. And my lovely roommate went with.
Yesterday WK was released, he was up and moving(albeit slowly), and he had eaten solid food. Needless to say, after a much needed night of sleep, I woke up today feeling calm.
There’s another piece to my calm. I blogged on Wednesday about my unstable financial situation and the need to figure out the funding of this semester. Well, my wonderful friends are just that, wonderful. In the last 24 hours, I have received $155 in gifts from friends to put toward my education. It’s not a lot, no, but it’s a fantastic start and more than I could have asked for. There really are angels in my life, truly wonderful people looking out for me and helping me fulfill my calling. Thank you.
Happy Christmas to you all! I hope it was warm and festive for all of you, dear friends. I hope that you, like myself, enjoyed the terrific company of your families(both those by relation and “extension”).
I really did have a fantastic Christmas. I don’t know if it’s because of everything I’ve dealt with this semester or if I’ve changed somehow in the last year or some other cause, but this holiday I have felt so much love and I feel like I’ve been more appreciative of everything I’ve been given.
I don’t have much to write about. I don’t want to bore you all with a list of all the wonderful things that I’ve experienced in the last week. I do want to express my complete gratitude for the respectful and insightful conversation brought about by my last post. I know that sex is heavy topic. Even people who are casual about talking and acting out their views on the subject, often have a difficult time discussing what it means to them and why they behave the way the do. Thank you to all who shared.
Also, and this is big, we’ve had several first time commenters in the last week and I want to tell you all how much that means to me. First, you’re taking a moment to get to know me a little better when you read one of my posts and by commenting you’re going that extra mile to let me know you care. I truly consider you, by blog family, friends that I can count on. Thank you for that.
And now I need to update you. WK called. We’re not getting back together. He said the reason he hadn’t called was because all the words he could think of to say what he was thinking and feeling wouldn’t have been the words of a friend. He does want us to be friends, but he doesn’t think we can be more than that. Surprisingly, I’m doing really well with that. I think maybe, in some ways, I was prepared for that outcome. I am at peace with it. If WK and I are meant to be, we will be in the end.
In the meantime, L.A. has thrown me for a loop. He and I have a history. As I’ve said before, we’ve been friends for quite some time, but only in the last several months have we really gotten close. I talk to him every day and I count him as my best friend other than the Bestie(obviously). The thing about L.A. is that I’ve had feelings for him for almost the entirety of our friendship. He is well aware of that, because we have discussed it and the possibility of him having feelings on several occasions. The end result was always clear, he liked me as a person and a friend, but nothing more was going to come of it. Now he’s gone and told me that he wasn’t 100% honest with me about that. What I can’t figure is the extent or context of these feelings. Sometimes it feels like he would like to be more than friends, and others I get the distinct “best friend but never girlfriend” vibe. I don’t really know what to do with the situation and I don’t think he does either, so we’re currently just not. “It’ll be the same. Only now you know.” Right. But I’m still confused. Lol.
I know he’ll read this in the next few days(he always does) and figure that he’ll have to try and explain all over again. Fear not, L.A. I’m willing to just ride the waves and see what happens. You’re my best friend and I love it that way. If you decide you want to be more than friends, even if you don’t, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Currently, my plan is to just take it one day at a time. This is new for me. And a little scary. But I’m not as scared as I thought I’d be. I trust you. And with all we’ve been through, all the fights and frustration that we have in our past, I know we, as friends, can make it through anything. Together. And if that was too sappy for you, just think of it as payback for your mushy best friend talk the last few days. :-p
Last night, Mr. P. took me to see A Spectacular Christmas as the Off Center Theatre at Crown Center. It was a really great show, one that was a reminder that Christmas is not about what you can get, but what you can give. The spirit is in the little things. “Buy someone $0.19 of Christmas, you’ll never know what it will mean to them.” -George Harter, writer, executive director and actor in last nights performance.
I got a little teary during the show, Christmas tends to do that to me. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve messed up, God gave me the perfect gift in His son, the very reason for the season. Christmas is a reminder that no matter what I’m worth down here, no matter what people do or don’t think of me here, I’m worth everything to my creator. Some years that message is harder to hear than others, but already this Christmas I’ve seen the blessings in my life.
Mr. P. last night gifted me with an illustrated copy of A Christmas Carol with narration CD by Nathan Granner. Such a simple gift, but it meant so much. Me, the girl that is currently in relationship limbo with his son, the girl that thought he didn’t like her for what felt like forever, the girl that he has no ties to other than through WhiteKnight, that girl means something to him. I can’t say I understand, I just know that having Mr. P. in my life as friend and mentor has really been a blessing.
All of this reminds me of a conversation my friend, PenPal, and I have been having. Our friendship started sometime last year when I was given a mission via MysteryGoogle to email this young man to cheer him up. You see, PenPal has been very sick for quite some time and sometimes he gets a little down. We talk about all manner of things. Recently conversation has turned to the subject of love and things like marriage(he and his girl just got engaged). He said this: “The little stuff means more. The real love is in the little things. Isn’t it amazing how God is in the details of our lives?”
And I have to agree. Love is in the details. Show someone this Christmas that you are loving them in the details.
Just an FYI, the title of today’s post does not imply that I have an issue with anyone. I just like the word hiefah! Also, my friend, Neighbor #1 is a hiefah! She also named today’s post. Go her! *Insert round of applause here*
ME: Is this ok?
ME: Skyping you. lol.
WK: Just a bit on the tired side
ME: I know what you mean. Michael’s still here, though.
WK: O rly
ME: Yeah. He and Bren are looking at some website.
ME: Ready for finals week?
WK: Me too. I only have two this time!
ME: Plus the one I took today.
WK: Well I am off to bed
ME: Hilarious video! Good night.
Title adopted from the Flogging Molly song What’s Left Of The Flag
That’s right! Flogging Molly is once again going to be in KC to celebrate the St. Patrick spirit with all of us Kansas City Irishfolk! Dropkick Murphys will also be in town and I’d REALLY like to see them, but their concert is a Wednesday and I’m not sure if I can pull that. It would really be a dream to see them both live so close together.
In other news:
I finished ANOTHER PAPER! Yay! If you’ve been following along, that means I only have ONE MORE to write this semester! Of course, the last one is the Epistemology paper, so it’s going to be the most difficult… Oh well, I’m determined to be successful! I can and WILL do it.
Speaking of Epistemology, I took my final today. Yes, it’s a week early, but Dr. C. will be in a plane over the Atlantic on his way to Jerusalem during our scheduled final period, so that wouldn’t have worked out well. I don’t mind. I don’t think I wouldn’t have bee anymore prepared for the exam had we waited the extra week. I felt pretty good about the exam when I was finished. I’m notorious for screwing up his “Multiple Multiple Choice” questions, though. Hopefully, like on the last exam, my overwhelming success on the essays and short answer will make my epic failure on the multiple choice a mute point.
I’m still waiting for Dr. J. to grade my Old Testament papers and input my grade for that class. The website says I’m currently sitting at a 62% which is
FREAKING ME OUT not bothering me much. I really enjoy the class, I love listening to the lectures, I just really dislike the essays. That’s unusual for me, I’m usually pretty B.A. at essays. I have absolutely no idea what my grade in that class will be.
As you can see, my grades and everything that goes along with that train of thought are all that is occupying my pretty little brain. Which is pretty awesome, because it means I’m not obsessing about the What Might Be in the WhiteKnight situation. Mr. P. was here for my Christmas Concert on Sunday and he was such a source of encouragement. Neighbor #1 and I were talking last night and her statement was this: “It’s really good that you’re not losing your mind over this. You’ve got too much going on this week to be worried about WK. But I promise, no matter what happens, you’ll be happy.”
I can’t imagine being happy if WK and I don’t end up together, but I also know that that is incredibly melodramatic. I am confident, however, that no matter what, I will be satisfied with myself, because I did all I could. I made some mistakes this semester, I’ve admitted those to him, and now I want to fix it.
I feel like I’m finally proving to myself what kind of mettle I’m really made of. Go me!
It is, in fact, cold enough outside for it to snow. Yesterday, while none of it stuck, it snowed off and on all day. This was greeted by much happiness on my part. The only problem is that as a result of the additional cold air, along with my massive amount of stress do to the up and coming end of term and my severe lack of sleep because of it, the infection that had lodged itself in my nasal cavity has made its way into my chest.
As if having 5 papers, 4 concerts, recitals, juries, auditions, finals, etc., etc. weren’t enough now I am sick. This also means that I will not be performing on recital tomorrow as planned, but will be moved to next Thursday’s block. It also means that I will sound rather scratchy and possibly squeaky for both my 2nd semester Chorale audition and my audition for the musical, The Wedding Singer. I’m not a happy camper about this.
Two weeks from today I will be home, back on The Hill for almost a month. Yes, I will also hopefully be talking to the WhiteKnight shortly after as well, but first I have to make it that far!
My Old Testament class is killing me. Really. I let myself get far enough behind that now I don’t know how I’m ever going to catch up. Thus is the danger with depression, you don’t see a reason to do your work until it’s too late. I know I will make it through the last few weeks of this class, but I might lose my mind and all capacity for normalcy in the process.
Please, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I swim the ocean that is the end of the semester. I’ll try to keep you updated, but don’t hurt me too badly if I can’t make it on here regularly for a bit.