…I feel REALLY lonely. I should be totally excited for my senior year, and there are certain aspects that I certainly am excited for, but the last two days have not been at all like the first days of school of yore.
The Nerdmate and I are not the friends that he said we would try to be. He won’t look at me, let alone speak to me. I finally got a few words out of him, but only because I marched right up to him and gave him no other option.
I’m in a single room, which I was totally excited for until I had to be moved to the first floor of another building because of my leg injury. Now I’m not only alone in my room, but I don’t know anyone on my floor. The girl next door seems sweet, she helped me move some furniture today(it wasn’t going so well on crutches); the girl across the hall seems nice enough, but today she asked me if I knew The Nerdmate, that got awkward very quickly.
I am surrounded by all these people, but I can’t really interact with them as I normally would for a variety of reasons( the biggest being my leg). I want someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be ok. I want a shoulder to lay my head on until I feel like I’m ready to face my problems. I want someone to hold hands with and to give a quick kiss to between classes. I want someone to love me again.
Here I had thought that I had found Prince Charming, but he was just another toad.
I do not want this fall to be like fall 2010, the semester of the disastrous meltdown between WK and I. I have been perfectly ok with the break-up these last few weeks, life was great. I DO NOT want to go back to that dark place I was after WK. I will do anything to avoid it.
*This CodeName is modeled after The Blur. While “the Blur” has been used as a character name for several super heroes along the way, including Superman in his Smallville incarnation, The Blurv is a gentleman who has become a good friend and ally this summer.
This particular post is brought to you by The Blurv. Last night he commented that he was feeling a bit at a loss, because he hadn’t had a blog post to read for awhile. I promised him a post last night, but alas I got carried away doing other things. I’m posting now out of a sense of urgency. He was here today helping us set up for the Christian Disciple Farm and, while he didn’t say it, I could tell that he was heartbroken that I didn’t post last night. 😉
This summer is coming to a close very quickly and while I’m sorry that I haven’t kept up with my blog as much as I had hoped to, I’m not that sorry, because I was far too busy having adventures. 🙂
I have to say, I will be sad to leave next week. There were moments this summer that I wished for nothing more than to be back in Missouri, but I really have grown to love it. This team is a family, this farm is a home, MY home. That is not to say that I’m not excited to see my loved ones again, and I certainly consider Missouri home, but you don’t live spend three months under the same roof as 12 individuals without developing some serious friendships.
A great many things have happened this summer, I’ve learned a great deal about my goals, my friendships, my relationship with The Nerdmate, my faith, and my abilities. It’s been mind-blowingly incredible! I wish I could tell you every single little detail, but there are just too many things that come to mind at one time, it’s difficult to articulate.
One important thing that you, my blog readers who have followed it since the beginning, should know… The Nerdmate and I ended our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. It didn’t feel the same anymore and it just wasn’t working. It didn’t end on a bad note, there were a couple of very calm, very collected, conversations that lead us to the decision to just be friends for a while. I really do hope we can be friends, he still means a great deal to me. We both love each other very much which is why we made the decision to end it, we were afraid that if we tried to force the relationship we’d end up hating each other and neither of us wants that.
And you know what? I’m ok. I really am. I’ve now realized that we are at different points in our lives, we’re looking for different kinds of relationships, and that’s ok, but it doesn’t work to trying and mash the two. I just hope he’s doing alright as well. I would still do anything to keep him from hurting.
So yeah, my summer is winding down. I’ll spend a few days on The Hill and then my family will whisk me away to GenCon(!!!!) and then I’ll be back at school for fall term. 🙂
I’ll let you know how this next very crazy, very busy week goes!