The life of a not so average girl doing not so average things.

Mizzou Border Showdown Pep Rally

Now, I’m not a big Mizzou fan, I’m not necessarily in opposition to their victory either. I am a tried and true K-State/ Notre Dame fan. However, my loyalties are shifting. WhiteKnight is in the Marching Mizzou band. His Dad, Mr. P. is a die-hard supporter and between the two of them I’m being turned.

Yes, the WhiteKnight and I are talking again as friends. It’s hard, but I’m surviving. When Mr. P. invited me to the Pep Rally in downtown KC, I tried to curbed my excitement as much as possible. I also tried my very hardest not to hold any expectations. Before leaving for Chorale Tour, I had told WK that I was willing to work things out when and if he was ever ready for that. He never responded to that message even though we had been messaging back and forth previous to that declaration.

So I asked permission to use the car to attend this rally and I was met with a little opposition. Mostly, they didn’t want me going alone and not for the reasons you’d expect. My dad wasn’t worried about me being able to handle myself in downtown KC and he knew that I would be able to hold myself together in public no matter what happened. He was, however, afraid of what might happen once I was left alone in the car with just my thoughts and the events of the evening.

I know most of my friends aren’t exactly thrilled that I’m still hung up on WK, they want me to just move on, because they think that’s what he’s done. They think he’s been giving me signs that he is over me. Maybe I’m naive and impossibly hopeful, but that’s not what I see. I see a young man that had is heart broken just as badly as I did. I look back on the semester and realize that this sickness, this depression, that has been trying to run my life was like a poison in our relationship. The problem is, neither of us was prepared to fight it, especially because he didn’t even know what was going on with me. I didn’t let him see how broken I was, I wanted to be strong enough to carry both of us. I failed.

The Bestie keeps yelling at me for saying things like “I need to win him back.” I don’t think she sees how much damage I did to the relationship, because I didn’t see it until recently and even then wasn’t admitting it to anyone. This is my confession.

So my dad went with me last night. WK didn’t look look at me, didn’t touch me, and certainly didn’t speak to me. And I was too terrified to bridge the gap the gap either. After the rally we went to Winstead’s the majority of our time there was awkward and heart wrenching on my part. WK sat at a separate booth with some of his band friends while I sat with Mr. P. and my dad. I don’t know if Mr. P. recognized the look on my face, but it was the look of a girl trying not to break down right then and there.

Finally, the three of us stood to leave. WK and his friends were going to stay a bit longer before they headed back to their respective lodgings. They the big game to prepare for. I finally took a leap of faith. I tugged ever so slightly on WK’s sleeve and asked if I could talk to him. I thank the Lord that he obliged. He said he wasn’t upset with me, he just didn’t feel like he was given fair warning that I would be there. I guess he wasn’t as ready to see me as I was to see him. I compare how he looked last night upon seeing me to how he looked the first time we met. He went from looking like an excited puppy to a kicked dog. I will never forgive myself for being the one responsible for that.

I asked him to hug me and he did. We are at least friends for now. I will not give up on him, never again. I’m going to call him and tell him everything. I don’t know how much he wants or think he needs to hear, but I need to tell it. All of it. How I was sick and how that sickness turned my already present self issues into a mess larger than I could handle. I pushed him away because I feared I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t strong enough for him. I made a big mess of things and now I need to clean them up.

No matter how things turn out, I’m determined to make it through the storm.

Mr. P. said something last night that healed me a little. He said, “You’re here because of me. You’re not here because of him. You’re important, you matter to me.”

-Kay

Advertisements

2 responses

  1. I’m so glad you had that healing moment. Write, think or tell whatever you believe you need to to get through this. Most of us do the best we can on any given day. Some days (weeks, months) it isn’t as much as we would like. We live and learn–I hope you are giving yourself permission to have been less than what you hope to be. Hang in there.

    November 27, 2010 at 17:25

    • Kay

      Thank you, Sophie and thanks for joining us here at A Day In The Life. I’m working really hard at learning to forgive myself for not being perfect, or even close, all the time. Thank you for your support and encouragement!

      November 28, 2010 at 02:08

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s