Emotionally Unavailable

Things are bad around here again.

I received a visit from a friend on Sunday right before finals. She said that she and the Nerdmate had been seeing each other, but had been keeping it a secret until she talked to me.

I was devastated as it was by this news, but even more so by the conversation that followed between the Nerdmate and I. He is no longer deserving of the title and I am therefore revoking it. What’d I’d like to call him is inappropriate for this venue and might offend some of my more delicate readers. Instead, we’ll just call him Richard. Think about nicknames for Richard and you’ll understand why he’s being called that.

Think about it.

There you go!

Richard told me how things “really were” in our relationship. Two years. Two years of me loving him, giving him my whole heart, and him taking and taking and taking. I can’t really describe to you the things he said in a way that will make you understand how I feel, but he used me.

I think this conversation with a friend sums it up:

“Richard dumped me in August, just days before I came back to MO. Via text message, no less.

He said he’s been fighting feelings for her all semester(which leads me to believe he’s had them for longer than that). She said they  have been sneaking around for awhile(she didn’t specify how long).She told me on Sunday afternoon and 4 hours later it was “Facebook official”.

She and I aren’t the closest of friends, but I have been there for her countless times as she cried over one boy or another(mostly my friend Dane). And there have been the few times that I cried on her shoulder as well(mostly about Richard, which is really weird now…). I have always been there for her and I can’t believe she would do something like this to me.

I know it’s been MONTHS since we broke up, but I never really got over him. We were officially together for almost two years, but were hanging out a lot for a while before he finally called me his girlfriend.

I really really loved him, I gave him my whole heart. I told him EVERYTHING about me, things that I don’t tell anyone! And now I have to face him every single day.

It’s really hard to move on from a love like that when you are constantly facing it. And just when I was really starting to be ok, this happens. He starts dating my friend, my fraternity sister! And he tells me that most of our relationship was a lie.”

If you don’t understand why I feel so hurt and betrayed, you probably just won’t. I can’t even look back on what we had with any real certainty of what was real and what wasn’t. I don’t have any idea how long it was one sided. I do know that when he broke up with me in January, he should have left it at that. He should have never, never, ever darkened my door to ask me back. He has decimated my heart and made me question my trust in everyone around me.

I don’t really care if you understand. It’s like the Bestie is always telling me: What I’m feeling is real and legitimate and no one else can say otherwise. I am seriously hurting. The counselor I talk to at school is calling this emotional abuse. A good friend of mine that I met in WI this summer said the same thing. I definitely feel bruised and bloodied at times, you just can’t see it.

I think it will take a long time for me to trust anyone that way again. I think it will be even longer before my heart is ready to love. Because the scariest thing is not ever knowing if someone means what they say. Richard said he loved me; he said he’d never hurt me. But I don’t really know if he ever meant it.

-Kay