Logic has left the building. I am recently incapable of this former life support.
I don’t make any sense anymore. I feel like I walk around talking like a crazy person. I’m so scared to really admit to anyone, let alone myself, what I’m really thinking or FEELING, so everyone gets tiny flakes of truth wrapped in vague answers. Which means every one of the friends I have left, those who didn’t dump me when The Nerdmate did, has a different story of what’s going on inside of my head.
And the worst part? Well, there’s actually two things that play into this. One, I’m starting to really breakdown; I don’t think I can keep up the act much longer. Two, people are beginning to catch on; probably because I do an exorbitant amount of crying, though I do try to keep that for when I’m alone in my room.
They say that time is the best healer.
I have some serious issues with that statement. Mostly, who the heck knows how long it could take for this pain to stop?! It’s an unknown length of time that I have to survive. Would you like to know how that makes me feel? Hopeless. It makes me feel hopeless to know that there’s nothing I can do but wait it out until this unknown expanse of time has passed.
I’m becoming more cynical by the minute. It’s really bad, guys. It’s not so much that I don’t believe in love… It’s difficult to explain my thoughts on that front at the moment. I think I have lost the hope of “true love.” Like, people only love you for so long and then they hate you, until they stop caring about you altogether. And that’s pretty crappy. I’m also pretty certain that most people are frauds. And I feel I’m justified in this believe given the “coincidence” that the great majority of my friends abandoned me when The Nerdmate and I split up. Yeah, so much for “sisterhood.” I feel like a joke standing in front of them all in SAI meetings, you can’t lead people who won’t follow.
And I just keep reminding myself that there are only eight months left to deal with this. This makes me both very sad and quite relieved. Sad because there are people here who still genuinely care about me, those I don’t want to leave. But mostly relieved, because I’m better when I’m away. I’m a better person, because I remember what happiness feels like and why I want to bring it into the lives of others.
I promise there are good things happening here too. Small things that are helping me survive. I just really needed to get all that ugly out of my system. I apologize if you read through all of that. The next post WILL be about good things. I swear.
If you’re still reading this, I love you. Thank you for not leaving me.