Have you ever sent an email out into the world that held your true feelings? Have you ever lost a friend and when you found them again, sent them an email? You probably felt like… You’re sorry, but you’re afraid to say that you’re sorry, because you’ve said that a million times before… You’re confused, because you don’t know if they’ve been avoiding you… Afraid that they’ve locked you out, because they’re better off without you… Sad that those old memories are all you have of that person…
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about people in my past lately. It’s been tough. I’ve lost a lot of friends, a lot of really good friend, merely by growing up and moving on and realizing we don’t have anything in common anymore. That’s harder than having a reason to be mad at that person, I think.
I’ve been thinking about opportunities I let myself miss out on. That thing they say about hind-sight being everything is really true. I’m so young and yet I can recognize all of these mistakes I’ve made. I know I’m going to make millions more, let more people down, and that’s a hard thing to swallow.
I’m realizing that I feel much less sad when I’m at school. I think it’s because new and fresh things are happening in my life there. When I’m here, on The Hill, with the few exceptions, I’m brought face to face with death. Not physical death, but spiritual, emotional death. Here is where many friendships came to an end, simply by growing older. That is sad. There is no new growth left for me on The Hill. My life is out there. I think I needed to realize that before I made a decision about seminary. I needed to know that “out there” is where I’m going to be truly alive, because I can’t grow any more here. And if I’m not growing, I must not be alive.