Once Upon A Cold Autumn Saturday
I know this is childish, but today I felt like several of my friends were traitors. I know it’s stupid, I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I did.
Today Mizzou hosted a high school marching band competition. A bunch of my friends went to watch, because we’re big nerds and go watch marching band and choir competitions. Here’s the kicker: I wasn’t invited. Not a huge deal, that I can get over, but in case I haven’t mentioned this before, WK attends Mizzou there and is definitely an active member of several ensembles including Marching Mizzou.
I know it doesn’t make sense that it seemed traitorous, but I can’t help what I feel. Right?
I don’t know anymore what I should and should not be feeling. My emotions get all mixed up when things like this happen. The boy meant so much to me. He was the first person I ever really saw myself having a future with, he knew things about me that only people like BigSis and The Bestie know.
And then there are other guys that have caught my attention, but then I feel like by being attracted to them it means I didn’t really love WK. But I did. I don’t know what else you would call it. Anytime we were together it felt like my heart might burst of happiness. When his name would show up on my caller ID, I’d have those pesky butterflies floating around inside my belly. I wanted to be part of his family, and I desperately wanted him to want the same things of mine.
I’m hurt and I’m angry and I’m sad and I don’t know how to handle my emotional spectrum right now. So what did I do today? A little something The Roommate likes to call “Avoidance Behavior.” I locked my dorm room door, put my iPod on the dock and turned up the volume until nothing else existed. I also cleaned like a mad woman. Both beds have new bedding, three loads of laundry were done, and the clean laundry that’s been sitting in baskets since the beginning of the week was folded and put away. My desk was mostly cleaned off. The floor vacuumed and the dishes done. Last night it looked like a tornado had thrown up in this room. Tonight it is almost spotless.
It may not be incredibly healthy, but I feel productive afterward. Works like a charm, every time. It makes me feel like I’m actually doing SOMETHING in my life correctly. It’s a perfectionist tendency, it’s OCD, and right now I don’t really care. I made it through the day and no tears have been shed. That’s something at least.