The life of a not so average girl doing not so average things.

No One Can Wait Forever*

*Under the blue sky. I can’t wait forever, for the years are running out.**

**I almost sang a song with these words for my voice lessons, but decided against it so as not to cry in front of anyone.

I have pretty much given up on the male population(other than men who are there for me as fatherly figures). I’ve given up waiting for WK to pursue me, and I’ve given up trying to be friends. At this point our relationship has gone from stale(probably because we were both very busy) to non-existent. We aren’t even really friends now, when we do talk is on IM and conversations consist of a few lines and are super polite. I know that he is under a lot of stress right now, but how can I support him if he doesn’t tell me what’s going on? I just don’t know what to do. How can we be on “a break” if there is no communication what-so-ever?

I’ve given up on trying to get by on personality. Readers, if you weren’t aware, I have some major self-image issues. I know that this is my problem to deal with, but here’s the catch, it does me no good for me to be ok with how I look if other people aren’t also. Some of the things that WK has said and done have made me feel like I’m not good enough on a physical level. I’m sure he didn’t mean to make me feel that way, but it had a significant impact on me. I want to be loved for more than just my brain. I want all of me to be loved and I have realized that I have to change before that can happen.

I was at Wally World last night with several friends of mine and we were perusing the poster selections. One of the guys said, in reference to the Taylor Lautner poster, “So if I had a body like that, you’d be all over me?” I responded, “If I had a body like Megan Fox, you’d be all over me.” I received an emphatic yes.

All three of my siblings are beautiful people. My sisters are both gorgeous, curves in all the right places without excess. When my brother gets older, he’s going to be a total knock-out. He’s 9 and already a heart breaker. I’m the fat child. I have always been the fat child. And unless I drastically change something, I will always be the fat child.

The problem lies in me. The good news is that so does the solution. Somewhere.

-Kay

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3 responses

  1. Love the new look on this blog!

    And here’s something that’s so cliche it’s ridiculous, but it’s true. Being beautiful is more about attitude than weight. You can be all svelte and apparently gorgeous and be nothing more than a wallflower if you don’t have the confidence and attitude to go with it. And you can be fat and have men panting after you if you have the (you guessed it) confidence and attitude that reads Beauty.

    But you’re right. While Brain is important, you need to be with someone who really does see you as Beautiful. It makes all the difference.

    October 23, 2010 at 20:22

  2. Aw, sweetie, I have 7 siblings and I’ve always been the fat one. 2 of my 3 brothers modeled. I heard all the time growing up how gorgeous my sisters were.

    You’re right, the only way to change this is to learn to love yourself. But honey, you can do that by loving the way you are right now, regardless of your weight. Confidence plays a huge part, even feigned confidence (which is what I used until I learned to be truly confident.)

    You seem to have a beautiful soul and that matters for more than you think.

    October 24, 2010 at 12:05

  3. Kay

    TM- Thank you, I’ve been trying to live that ideology for several years. Really trying. It worked well for the latter years of high school, but it is decidedly more difficult in university life. Especially in the midst of a break-up. It seems like that’s all people see when they look at me, my weight. It sucks. Thank you for the reminder of where my head should be.
    Jill- I’m a better actress than people know. Most of my friends think I’m a rather confident person. That isn’t true of me in the least. I’m at continually conscious of what I’m doing and saying, what I look like, if I could be making a fool of myself. Most of the time I think I’m coming off as this huge, and I do mean physically huge, idiot. I’d just don’t know if I can be truly confident unless I change myself.

    October 25, 2010 at 19:20

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