The life of a not so average girl doing not so average things.

Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water…

…I will lay me down.

I’ve always felt like I was the kind of friend that would truly lay myself down for another. I’m not saying I’m good enough to necessarily do this for just anyone, but those I really truly call my friends.

I’ve got a great best friend. I couldn’t have asked for better. I love my siblings to pieces, they know that. My mom and I are kind of on the outs, but my dad at least has really come through for me lately. I even got an email from Grandma yesterday.

That really made me smile, but all my life I’ve just wanted someone that would fight for me. Like in the great love stories where couples over come all obstacles and maybe they give up sometimes, but they always realize their mistakes and end up with their True Love.

I really loved the WhiteKnight, I’m pretty sure I will always love him, but we’ve both got issues. And I wonder if, with all those issues, if we can really fight for each other. Honestly? I don’t think we even know how to fight for “us.”

I also wonder how much of the fact that no one has ever fought for me can be attributed to the fact that I’ve never fought for any of them? I feel like WK and I have given up on each other and it hurts. It hurts a lot.

And in the midst of this, I feel like I’ve lost God. Scripture tells me over and over that He never turns his back on His servants, so what did I do? More than I miss WK, I miss my savior. When I try and talk, I feel like I’m looking straight into a black hole and let me tell you, back holes aren’t known for their ingenious wit.

Psalm 69. 1-3 says

“God, God, save me!

I’m in over my head,

Quicksand under me, swamp water over me;

I’m going down for the third time.

I’m hoarse from calling for help,

Bleary-eyed from searching the sky for God.”

 

I feel lonely. I feel it deep in my heart of hearts. I have the love of my family, but I’m really missing the love of my God and my Knight.

-Kay

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2 responses

  1. What I’ve learned is that God has never left us in those moments–it’s that we don’t see Him. It’s like we suddenly become spiritually blind. He’s basically in our faces and we’re looking right past Him. Usually it means something is going on in ourselves that blinds us–not that we WANT that, just that it’s happening.

    I don’t have a fix-it. Just remember that you aren’t alone. I’ve been there and end up back there frequently, and obviously King David experienced it on a frequent basis.

    I have a couple of author suggestions for you (besides David, who is also great for this sort of thing): Henri Nouwen and Anne Lamott. They’re both Christian authors, but well-known and respected enough to show up in pretty much every bookstore. You don’t have to go to a Christian one to find them. I personally turn to Lamott’s books on Grace very frequently. She’s real, she’s funny, and her words go straight to my heart. *Grace (Eventually)* and *Plan B* are the two that sit on my bedside table all the time.

    (((hugs)))

    October 8, 2010 at 06:42

    • Thanks, TM! As much as it sucks, it actually helps to know that other people have gone through and continue to go through the things that I am facing. I’ll be looking into Nouwen and Lamott. I’m going to see if the campus library has anything, but I may have to look else where as well. MinistryMan is letting me borrow In The Grip Of Grace by Lucado. It’s really good so far. Thanks again!

      October 8, 2010 at 15:50

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