The life of a not so average girl doing not so average things.

Orange Colored Sky

One of my favorite blogs to read is The Drafts Folder. The Draft Queen writes about the adventures in the Draft House and at her place of business. My favorite blog posts are the ones about The Draft Queen and The Knight, because they give me hope for the future. I can also hope to maybe learn from some of their mistakes.

Once upon a time, she said this:

“I screwed up. I put words in his mouth that never crossed his mind. I created an issue out of virtually nothing and I ran with it because I’ve made it something of a habit to walk away before being the one who gets left behind.”

And I realized…. HOLY MOSES! I DO THIS!!!!

It’s crazy how the things that people have gone through days, weeks, months, sometimes years before us related so very closely to what we’re going through in our own lives at this very moment. I screwed up. I assumed that WK was thinking and feeling things that he wasn’t necessarily thinking and feeling. I created an issue, because I was scared and assumed there must be one, things just couldn’t be going that well. “I’ve made it something of a habit to walk away before being the one who gets left behind.”

I grew up thinking that if I just did everything right, I would finally be good enough. If I could just be perfect, someone would love me. Then I fell in love with this Jesus guy and learned that I can never be perfect. And as much as I know the incredible love that my savior has for me, my brain twisted it. My thinking process goes a little something like this: If I can’t be perfect, then I’ll never be good enough and no one will love me.

How do little girls come to think things like these, you might ask? Well… that’s a story for a different time, a different blog.

The point is, I still struggle with letting someone close to me, because I assume that they can’t possibly love me. I’m still scared. I have a tendency to assume there is a problem and get upset about it. Many of you know that once I’m upset, it doesn’t really matter if I’m wrong. there will be no convincing me. I’m pretty sure that my ancestors bred the worst kind of stubbornness into their children and grandchildren.

Something that could have attributed to this severe lack of intelligence on my part  is that even more than my need to be verbally encouraged, I need to be held. There are these things called love languages and mine happens to be touch. I need people to hug me, hold my hand, pat me on the back. If we’re not making physical contact with each other, my brain assumes there is something wrong with our relationship.

Guess how often WK and I got to hold hands? Not a heck of a lot, because we’re both busy people that live in separate towns. This isn’t something that can be helped. Maybe I can learn to do without hand holding and hugs. Maybe. Maybe “us” will have to wait until we’re in a time and place in our lives that we can be together in a face-to-face manner. Maybe The WhiteKnight won’t wait that long. I can’t say I blame him.

I understand that I’m not the only one that gets to decide these things. If we’re going to have a relationship again, even in our relationship now as friends, we’re going to have to learn to work together. I’m going to have to learn to trust a little, maybe a lot, more.

-Kay

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5 responses

  1. Oh sweetie, please do learn from my (many) mistakes!

    Sometimes being in love is about taking the risk that the person you love will break your heart. That they will make you feel unperfect, and not good enough.

    The only thing it proves, (unless of course you cheated on them or something) is that THAT person isn’t worthy of you.

    Believe in yourself.

    You’re further along than I was: you recognize your problem. It’ll still take time to not make that a reflex, but you’ll get there.

    September 15, 2010 at 17:36

    • No, there has been no cheating. I’m just a giant idiot.
      I hope it’s alright that I referenced you. I’ve been reading some of your older posts and they really have been helping and since this blog is about what I’m thinking and feeling, it seemed appropriate. You really are quite fantastic.
      I don’t have any idea how long it might take for me to change, I’ve been this way for a very long time. I can only hope that WK doesn’t give up on me.

      September 15, 2010 at 21:30

      • Actually, I’m quite flattered. 😉

        September 16, 2010 at 20:36

      • Hooray! ^_^

        September 17, 2010 at 17:21

  2. Ah, DraftQueen is one of my favorites too. Worth driving to Boston for, though I should note that she has yet to visit me here in the not-so-wilds of Michigan. *sigh* (Feel free to give her a guilt trip for that.)

    You and I (and DQ/Jill) all share that fear that we can’t be loved enough–that we aren’t worth it, and therefore we shouldn’t connect fully. You know, to protect ourselves. And you’re right, even knowing that by some miracle God loves us enough to do what He has done isn’t enough in our twisted minds to mean that people will do that. It’s easy for God, right? He’s all-powerful, powerful enough to love even us. People are flawed. People fail us. People LEAVE.

    Jill and I are fortunate enough to, despite everything we’ve done to mess things up for ourselves, find our True Loves, the ones who are so connected that they’ll love us even when we’re batsh*t crazy. Which we both are more than capable of being, just so you know. I know perfectly well that finding MTL is just another piece of proof that God loves me THAT MUCH. However, I didn’t get to meet MTL until after I’d worked through huge amounts of personal crap and started getting my head on straight. He had to do that too. We talk about how we’ve both had to walk a very broken road and gain a great deal of healing before God could let us meet, because we might not have been able to make it otherwise. We could have destroyed ourselves, as much as we were designed to be together.

    It’s a hard road. And we humans are shockingly bad at figuring out where that road is taking us or how our choices can derail us from the path God would like us to lead. He knows it all, yes, and he has plans for us, yes, but we are also given the freedom to make our own choices–and suffer for them.

    I rather like you, my fellow geek. 🙂 I think I’ll be back.

    September 21, 2010 at 11:30

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