The Tune of a Sad, Sad Heart
Sorry it’s been so long. School is off and rolling now, classes started last Tuesday and I had my first reading assignment on Wednesday. Needless to say, life is getting busy at a readily increasing speed. Wednesday I also auditioned for the first play of the semester. It’s called The Hollow and was written by Agatha Christie. While I was not cast, I did score the position of Production Assistant and my roommate will be the Assistant Director. Jazz choir had it’s first meeting on Thursday and it looks like we’re going to have a great semester there as well. We are in the market for at least another couple basses and maybe a tenor or two, so if you know anyone at CMU that might be interested let me know!
The other big thing that happened this week, the one that weighs most heavily on my heart, is the decision between Whiteknight and I to take a break. “A break?” You say, “that’s not so bad.” Ah, but he hasn’t spoken more than a few sentences my way since that decision was made. Was it the right thing to do? I don’t know yet. Was it what was needed? I think so, but I can’t be sure. Many factors played into this. At least on my side of things this is what I see: we are both under a lot of pressure and thus stress financially and academically; we don’t have cars and won’t see much of each other this semester after not seeing each other hardly all summer or last semester; we are having communications problems and neither of us seem to know how to fix it and/or aren’t willing to work on our own issues.I wish matters of the heart came with warning labels, instructions on how to make it all work out. But alas, they do not.
WK’s dad called. Actually, I’ve spoken to him several times in the last couple days since this all transpired. Yesterday he called to ask if, on his way into CoMo to meet WK at church, I’d like him to pick me up. He thought it would be a good way for us to talk and get things sorted through. Maybe, once again, I was over analyzing, but I told him I’d need some time to think about it. The night before, you see, I had sent WK a message on Skype(he’s always on Skype) asking how his day was. I was trying to be there for him as a friend and sister in Christ. WK never responded. After talking with his dad, I sent him a message on Facebook asking him what he thought about the idea. No response. Finally I got through to him and do you know what he responded with after two days of nothing? “I don’t know right now” and he hasn’t made another effort. So when WK’s dad called this evening to ask how I was doing with the decision to go to CoMo or not, I told him I didn’t think it was fair of me to intrude on WK’s space since, for at least the moment, he didn’t seem to want to talk.
I wish I knew how to make the tears stop. I cried after the initial conversation with WK; I cried before, during and after explaining to my roommate; I cried while I talked to my mom and when texting my best friend about the situation; and after today’s phone call with WK’s dad. Sadness has become a constant in my life the last couple of days. I’m dazed, I’m achy, I’d rather curl up and sleep than see my friends’ smiling faces. I don’t want to do this anymore. All I wanted was to do what was best for the two of us. I wanted to be friends, there for each other in a no-pressure-siblings-in-Christ kind of way. I thought some time off from being “boyfriend and girlfriend” would help us grow and be stronger. I want to be able to tell him everything and for him to feel safe and comfortable doing the same. I don’t want to be the bad guy or the good guy or the guy that he never thinks about.
I’m broken, but I took a leap of faith, which for me is incredibly difficult. I hope it doesn’t keep kicking me in the butt. I hope it works out.
I love you WK and will be here when and if you’re ready to be friends.